The Top Twenty Gayest Films
Posted by 7th on September 04, 2004

I got to thinking the other day that it had been a long time since I'd done a "list" piece... In the past, I've done superheroes, horror films, John Carpenter movies, and so on. Recently I've been doing one-shot reviews, mainly of Studio Ghibli films which are too good for me to make fun of... So I needed something new to mock...

I was sitting in the breakroom at work the other day, flipping through the channels, when I cam across the last few minutes of the classic Dustin Hoffman film Tootsie. I flipped a channel, and boom. Queer Eye For The Straight Guy... I sat through a few minutes of this, and I started to think about how prominent gay characters were becoming in the mainstream... Queer Eye, Will and Grace, etc... So I started thinking about films I'd seen recently that prominently featured gay characters, which of course led to thinking about films with primarily gay plots or themes.

As our culture becomes more open to different lifestyles and more tolerant on the whole Gay vibe, we find more and more films that cater to that audience, and that's just fine in my book, as it has generated some genuinely entertaining films... Come to think of it, considering the fact that the US percentage of gay and lesbians is relatively small, it means that these films, when successful, are being viewed by more straight people than gay people. Is this because straight people find gays to be amusing? Or is it perhaps a general straight curiosity towards their butt-mangling, muff diving, hipster happy-go-faggy lifestyle? I don't know. But that doesn't mean that I can't make fun of them for how frickin' gay these movies are.

So without further ado, may I present 7th's Top Twenty Gayest Films

20) Chuck And Buck

Chuck and Buck were the best of buddies during their childhood. But as such friendships go, they drifted apart as the responsibilities of the real world drew the in diffeent directions. Chuck went on to become a famous movie executive with a hot, flashy blonde wife. Buck lived with his mother and dreamed of the day he and Chuck would be best friends again.

And that day, in Buck's mind, finally comes when his mother dies, and Chuck shows up at the funeral. Chuck realizes immediately that buck is still the same kid from his childhood. Literally. He throws temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way. He plays with children's toys. And he's totally at a loss for what to do in regards to his mother's death.

Buck expresses a level of happiness at seeing Chuck again that is awkwardly out of place at such a somber event. He seems to think they'll just pick up where they left off, an idea that's only hampered in Buck's mind by the presence of Carlyn, whom he views with a mixture of confusion and disgust (eww, a GIRL!)

It soon becomes apparent that Buck's interest in Chuck has become more than just as a pal when, in the midst of a condolence hug, he grabs a hold of Chuck's joystick and makes like he wants to play a game of Ass-teriods. This ends with Chuck leaving in embarassment, but not before Carlyn, at a loss for words, invites Buck to meet them in LA sometime... For a guy like Buck, that's all the invitation he needs.

From here, he slips into creepy gay stalker mode, sucking on Tootsie Pops by the bag load as he follows Chuck around Hollywood, hoping beyond hope to prove his love for him with a nice, friendly session of anal rape.

The film is not neccesarily a "gay" film, though it does explore those impulses, particularly with Buck's nervous Tootsie Roll-sucking tic, which I suppose is meant to exhibit some passed over repressed childhood issues culminating in his gayness. It seems in some ways inspired by Bill Murray's Bob Wiley character from What About Bob?... the wacky nut who won't go away... And though it does have a few genuinely funny moments, it plays more to the fear of your past coming home, and a nice healthy case of homophobia. It did little nationally, but BIG SURPRISE! was a huge hit at Sundance during its premiere, right between the lesbian inner soul piece and the gay film about cowboys eating pudding.

19) The Incredibly True Story of Two Girls In Love

For those of you who saw that poster and thought "Bully! Teenage Lesbo flick!" Let me dissuade you from getting your hopes up right now... This film, short of a few girl-on-girl kisses, is as bubblegum innocent as it gets, and really boils down as a rip-off of John Hughes's teen angst comedy 16 Candles, but they've replaced Molly Ringwold and her love interest with two stereotypical lesbians.

You have Randy, who's the tomboy, rough and tumble, way out there butch, and you have her love interest Evie, a rich, intelligent, and completely repressed high school arm ornament. What follows is one huge cliche, including the "bringing the fag to dinner" scene, and the final "shock" scene where Evie's mother walks in on the two of them in bed. It may have broken new gay ground in the genre of lesbian coming of age comedy, but it's nothing that we who grew up in the 80's haven't seen over and over and over again. Plus it has no real pay-off for a guy to watch it. You never get any real action here. It's all implied, as though the average 17 year old male hasn't seen Asia Carerra in a 69 with a thousand different nameless blondes by now. Note to directors who have interest in making these kinds of movies. If you want to sustain interest in the average straight male viewer, you have to throw us the girl-on-girl bone. Otherwise you're going to lose your ticket revenue to free movies on Skinemax.
The L Word it ain't, folks...

18) Philadelphia

I have to admit, I have no love in my heart for this movie. I'm guessing most of you have seen this incredible downer of a film, but in case not. Here's the plot. Tom Hanks is gay. So is his lover Antonio Banderas. Tom is diagnosed with AIDS and is quickly fired from his successful job. Tom meets Denzel Washington, a lawyer of the ambulance chaser variety, and sues the company for wrongful termination. The rest of the film is a mixture of watching Hanks slowly waste away from something other than having only coconuts to eat for the better part of a decade, and watching Washington chew the scenery badly as he tries to prove that a bunch of stuck up, backwards old white men fired Tom for his lifestyle and consequent disease.

I am completely ambivalent towards this film. It's well-written, and well shot. But I can't help but dislike its overall message. We are meant to feel pity for Hanks' character. We're supposed to empathize with him. Well I for one have never been in his shoes, so that's simply not going to happen. Plus I can't feel any sympathy for him anymore than I would for a straight man who had unprotected sex with a prostitute. The movie never really delves into the core truth that Hanks is in the state he's in for not taking care of himself, for ignoring the warnings about unprotected sex in general, much less gay sex. If a guy downs a bottle of arsenic and ends up in the hospital, I'm not going to have any pity for him either. It's the same difference. If you willing indulge in something you know can kill you, then too bad for you friend. Here, stick this box of trojans in your burial suit pocket so you'll take 'em with ya to the next life.

17) Connie and Carla

This is a FAKE gay movie really. Basically, Connie and Carla are a couple of yentas who want to make it big as singers. But they can't get a gig anywhere, until they hit ona shifty idea. They decide to PRETEND to be Drag Queens to get jobs at a gay revue club.

Now they definitely picked the right actresses for the job, as both of them are just an Adam's Apple short of fitting the "Dude Loos Like A Lady" bill. These are not overly attractive women, folks.

And of course, they have to throw sauce into the mix by having one of them fall for David Duchovny, who thinks (like any of us would) that she's a guy hiding his "candy."

It all boils down to this movie being a sort of Tootsie in reverse, with a healthy dollup of Sister Act thrown in for good measure. But when doing a rehash, mixing a great movie with parts of a shitty movie does not a good movie make, and this piece of shit is no exception... Slightly quirky housewives might like it, but for the most part, leave it on the shelf.

16) My Own Private Idaho

This movie is the sounding horn for disaffected gay men. It's also a drery, bleak, and overall uninteresting bore of a film. The late River Phoenix plays Mike, a young gay prostitue who suffers from narcolepsy. In his travels, he meets and falls in love with Scott (played as vacantly as ever by Keanu Reeves), who is also a gay prostitute, but a gay prostitute who is about to inherit a shitload of money from his dead father.

These two live in an old abandoned hotel with a culty mentor guy. All of the fags look up to Scott, as they believe when he inherits this fortune that he'll improve all their lives. Mike himself is so in love with Scott that he doesn't seem to pick up on Scott flat out telling him that he doesn't believe men can really be in love with each other. So it's a huge shock to everyone when they discover that Scott plans to hightail it with the money and leave them in the squalor that their bad decisions have left for them.

I hate these kinds of films. They meandor on, and never really seem to go anywhere... The whole relationship between Phoenix and Reeves is what's supposed to hold it together, but if you can't believe the relationship (and when has Reeves ever put on a believable performance?) then you can't blieve the movie. It's a dark, over the top dismal piece of dreck that illicits no more emotion than mild disdain and and subtle nausea at the idea of watching Keanu partake in man love... I'd just as soon down half a bottle of darvoset and sit through Terms of Endearment translated into Esperanto. Same effect.

15) The Next Best Thing

Let's face it folks. Madonna's movie carrier has had more ups and downs than a Jenna Jamison blowjob scene. And this one's near the bottom, hovering just above "Swept Away," the romantic rape justification comedy she made with her latest marital merger, Guy Ritchie.

Rupert Everett is a homosexual building contractor (????) and Madonna is his fag hag yoga instructor. After failing in every relationship they've had, and especially after a mutual friend dies of age, Madonna and Rupert decide to think of each other as a small family of their very own... Until they get blisteringly drunk one night and screw like nasty pigs.

The next thing you know, Madonna's got a bun in the oven and Rupert's dealing with personal identity issues. Flash forward years later, and Madonna's fallen for another guy. And Rupert's jealous. He goes out of his way to cause problems in this relationship, culminating in a long, drawn out custody battle over their non-gay love child. or drunken-sex child. Whatever.

For some reason, Hollywood loves to put across that gay guys are really lonely and confused guys just waiting for the right woman to turn them straight. Of all the gay friends I've had over the years, this has never proven true. it's no more likely to happen than for Revenge of The Sith to end up being a good movie. Had this happened in real life, Madonna would've caught some kind of disease from sleeping with a guy who butters both sides of his bread, and would have spread it to the next guy she slept with, who would then spread it to the next girl he slept with, and so on and so on until we're all headed for a dirt nap. Yay for bisexuality!

14) Threesome

Josh Charles (of Dead Poets fame) plays Eddie, a college student dorming with Stephen Baldwin's character Stuart. Josh is a neat freak, repressed, and possibly gay. Stuart is the living reincarnation of John Belushi's character fro Animal House. Their unlikely friendship is turned upside down when Alex, as played by a then unknown and pre-anorexic Lara Flynn Boyle, is assigned the third bedroom in their DORM SUITE (there's a non-reality check, Hollywood) because of her mannish name.

the rest of the film follows them as they bond into an unlikely trio of friendship, Josh suffers with possibly being gay, Stuart desperately wants to bang Alex, Alex wants to bang Josh, and it all culminates in the three of them having a threesome... two hours that lead up to the tamest threesome ever filmed, and which also has Stuart trying to encourage Josh to follow his true nature by HELPING JOSH GROPE HIS BARE, THRUSTING ASS. It was at this point that I checked out. I cared not for the rest of the aftermath melodrama, such as Baldwin's character having a breakdown where he envisions Jesus coming to cut his penis off, or Josh finally realizing that he is, indeed, gayer than Gap sweaters. The movie had some fairly hilarious moments (such as Stuart walking around the apartment with Alex's dirty panties strapped over his face, shaking in joy from the smell,) but nothing can forgive the "Go on Josh, grab my ass" scene. Stephen Baldwin is enough of an ass as it is without seeing someone playing with it.

13) Claire Of The Moon

Claire of the Moon is a low budget affair, a romance movie for lesbians. So I suppose I can understand why I hated it, as I most certainly do not fit into the targeted demographic. Still, it could have been made in such as way as to have more... heterosexual appeal.

The movie concerns a young woman who is an apsiring author. She signs up to go to a sort of writer's retreat (which just happens to have no male members.) She's bunked up in a cottage with a poet... and flaming lesbian. She has the butch haircut, the manly facial features, the whole bit. Pure out butch. The rest of the film concerns them fighting, then making up, then fighting again, all while the blonde writer struggles to deny that shes falling for the dyke, despite the fact that they have nothing but their writing in common, but for this to be a romance movie you have to ignore that. Finally, in the last 4 minutes of the film, our young writer can't take it anymore and runs out onto the beach. Dyky follows her out, and what begins as a fight turns into a passionate embrace... and ends with them having an overly brief nude fisting session before the closing credits roll.

It was like watching a film made just for Christians, only it was for lesbians. Do these specialist directors really think they'll ever ammount to anything by making films that cater to a miniscule audience? Sure, there's a hell of a lot more Christians than lesbians, but the quality of their films is just as shitty. If you want to be successful, you have to garner universal appeal. If you want straight guys to like it, it needs lots of lesbo sex with women guys would actually WANT to see naked. And for crying out loud, if you're going to make a lesbian romance movie, make sure both of the characters are lesbians for more than four minutes of the frickin' film, okay hodge podge?

12) The Crying Game

There was a lot of talk about this movie when it came out, and about its UTTERLY SHOCKING ENDING (I'm sure there were plenty of cows out there who found it only moderately uttering...) that knocked the socks off of just about every big name critic out there. Basically, there's a lot of subterfuge, a lot of intrigue, a lot of mystery, and then HOLY SHIT SHE'S GOT A PENIS!!!

Jaye Davidson, famous as the worst part of Stargate, plays a woman who ends up being a dude at the end of the film. The fact that no one picks up on this is not surprising to me, as Davidson has no visible Adam's apple and is pretty damned effeminate, even without the make up. Normally this movie would be farther down the list, if not for the fact that it got so much press over the stealth pecker ending. But the fact of the matter is that the only remarkable thing about the movie is the surprise ending, not unlike every movie M. Night I'm-a-sham has ever done.

11) Boys Don't Cry

From The Next Karate Kid on, I haven't been a huge fan of Hillary Swank's work, and this film didn't make me a convert. Roughly based on true life events, Hillary plays a young woman who wanders into town posing as a man, and falls in love with a local girl. The girl in question continues to see Swank even after her secret is revealed, and this eventually leads to Swank's murder.

I had seen a documentary about this case before the film came out, so it held no surprises for me. And since I'm not even remotely attracted to Swank's boney, stole-her-lips-from-Jolie features, it had nothing to keep my interest. But those of you who'd be aroused by a chick doing it with a guy who's really a chick, this may just be the flick for you.

10) Bound

I know Meg Tilly and that older chick from Showgirls are lesbian criminals or what have you... I know there were some pretty servicable action scenes... But really the only reason to watch this film from a guy's perspective is to watch the older chick from Showgirls (yes, I'm lazy in my research) suck on Meg Tilly's humungous, milky white knockers.

Seriously, there's no other reason to watch this film. The subplots? You've seen 'em before. The action set ups? Tried and true formula. The insanity inherent in the characters? An older Brad Pitt film called Kalifornia has that nailed down.

Nope, this film's all about seeing another chick make Meg Tilly squeal in that god afwul annoying voice of hers... Otherwise, they should've just called this one Natural Born Lickers.

9) Totally F****ed Up

Do any of you remember that film that came out a few years ago called Kids? You know, the one who followed a kid named Casper and his bunch of lowlife drug-addicted teenage wastes of sperm as they trolled around New York smoking dope, doing drugs, and doing each other?

Well this is pretty much the exact same movie, only all the kids are gay. The movie is ultra-low budget and done in a documentary style, and concerns the lives of numerous teenage gays and lesbians living in Los Angeles. It also brought to mind the Matthew Lillard film SLC Punk, only again, a lot gayer.

And being a fake documentary, I couldn't help but also be reminded of the Blair Witch Project. Of course with that film, they completely missed the possibility of the threesome scene and instead decided to go with more of a "screaming in the cellar" motif. Enh... to each their own I guess.

8) Flawless

This is not a film that Robert De Niro needed to make, anymore than this summer's pseudo horror film Godsend. De Niro should stick to gangster pics for the remaining years of his career and be done with it. But no, instead he decides to star in what I suppose was meant to be a comedy, where he plays a gay bashing retired rent-a-cop who suffers a stroke and is signed up for vocal therapy to help his dibilatated speech. As it so happens, his therapist is a flaming gay vocal coach. Let the hilarity ensue!

Now I did like Philip Seymour Hoffman in the roll. Let's face it, his slimy smarminess is good in every role he's seen in. He's one of the most under appreciated actors out there today (his "I just sharted" line from Along Came Polly should've won him an Oscar.) But even he can't overcome the sentimental drivel of this script. And the fact that it was written and directed by Joel Schumacher, the man responsible for turning Batman and Robin into cleverly disguised gay softcore, didn't help it any. Personally, I'd like to see De Niro's character from Goodfellas stick Schumacher's head in an oven. But that's just me.

7) In and Out

There weren't many surprises in this film, to be honest. Kevin Kline, one of the most effeminate (and best) actors out there plays a school teacher who slowly... and I mean SLOWLY... over the course of the film discovers that... SUPRISE!... he's gay!

No, I'd never imagine that a creative, well-dressed, anal retentive school teacher who loves show tunes could POSSIBLY be of the homosexual persuation... while it does have its funny moments, watching this film was like watching a serial killer movie where one of the characters walks past the screen during the opening credits wearing a big sign that says "I'M THE KILLER!"

Plus his fiance is played by Joan Cusack... Let me ask you one question in regards to Kevin Kline's character...

Can you blame him?

Well hell, that horse-faced woman would turn any man gay... every time I saw her, I kept seeing that mouthful of wire she had in 16 Candles... along with her and Robin Williams running from toys firing cruise missiles...

6) Boat Trip

How low can Cuba Gooding Jr. sink? At this point, he's almost back down to where he started, playing a deaf mute sidekick to an Australian gunfighter. So now he's in Boat Trip with Horatio Sans of SNL unfame, playing a couple guys who piss off their travel agent and end up getting booked on an all gay cruise. And of course, Cuba falls for a woman on the staff, and spends the whole movie trying to convince her that he's not gay while trying to convince everyone else that he is.

When will Hollywood stop releasing comedies that aren't funny? Probably when they stop releasing serious films that are. No shit, I did not laugh once during this film, and yet I laughed all the way through last year's stinker The Core. What's wrong with this picture? the only difference between those two pictures is the fact that in the Core, people are boring into the center of the earth, and in Boat Trip, they're boring into each other...

5) But I'm A Cheerleader

Megan's on the cheerleading squad, is cute, intelligent, and a well-rounded happy person. But she exhibits a lack of interest in jumping in bed with her boyfriend. Sounds sensible in a modern post-AIDS society, right? Well, her parents don't think so. They take this lack of sexual libido as a sign of her becoming a lesbian, and send her off to True Directions, a camp designed to steer kids straight (pun intended) from alternative lifestyles, which is run by a Jesus freakish homophobe named Mary Brown.

The first rule of True Directions... and no, I refuse to use a fight Club joke... is that you must admit your homosexuality. The problem is, Megan isn't gay... she's just disinterest in giving it up to a guy she may not be with in five years. Meanwhile, she meets a new friend named Graham, who is a flaming lesbian and more than happy to help her "out her true nature."

This movie was funny for the most part, but misses more than it hits. Because the moral of the film is explained from the get go. Megan is a smart, witty young woman, and has the right to do, or not do, whatever she wishes with her body. True, she's essentially acting as her own cock blocker, but it is her right...

4) The Birdcage

The Birdcage, for once, gets it right. Yes, it plays to just about every gay stereotype there is, but it is a movie that everyone, gay and straight, will find funny. It's funny to straight people because gay guys are just so endearing and awkwardly hilarious! And it's funny to gay people because the cinematic embodiment of George W. Bush before he was Preseident Bush gets dressed up in drag and dances with a limp-wristed sister.

Robin Williams runs a gay dance review club in Miami, South BEach (and yes, having been there on a lab install, I can atest to that areas resounding gayness.)
his son is getting married to the daughter of a prominent senator, whose political right had man has just died of a heart attack whilst sticking it to a black prostitute.

Father Senator drives south with said daughter to meet the fam, and avoid the press. But the joke is, he doesn't know that his daughter's fiance's father is gay. Nor does said fiance WANT him to know. So most of the film is centered around Robin Williams and his lover, played by the ever hilarious Nathan Lane, preparing their house, and themselves, to appear as a normal straight family.

This is a genuinely funny movie. I have nothing bad to say about it... Plus Hank Azaria of Simpsons fame as William's flaming Cuban butler Agador steals the show in every scene he's in... Highly recommended, great, funny flick. But not the GAYEST!

3) To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar

Watch closely children, as this is a textbook example of how branching out too far can kill your career. In the early late 80's/ early 90's, Patrick Swayze was hot as hell in Hollywood. His Dirty Dancing film was a cult hit. Road House made him an action star. And ghost was a beat-the-odds money making cash cow. And then, he decided to try his hand at comedy, and agreed to star in To Wong Foo, a movie that in itself is nothig more than a rehash of an older film that's actually number two on my list.

Patrick Swayze plays Vida Boheme, King...er... of the drag queens. He and his protege Noxeema Jackson (Wesley Snipes and drag do NOT mix) head to New York, where Vida wins a stage contest and trip to Hollywood. John Leguizamo's character Chi Chi Rodriguez loes to Vida, and and falls to pieces all over him/herself. Vida takes pity on him/her and swaps the plane tickets for cash, electing instead to drive cross-country and take Chi CHi along.

From here, the film devolves into a sort of gay Easy Rider road movie. They briefly cross swords with Sean Penn along the way, who plays a redneck sheriff that pulls them over for speeding, and gets knocked out cold when he puts the moves on Vida in exchange for ripping up the ticket. They then end up stranded in a small Nebraska town that's about to hold it's annual strawberry festival. They then prove an old law of movies: drag queens are some of the wisest men on earth. They teach a teenage girl about how to woo the boys. They become mentors to a skittish, nervous town woman, and teach the local rednecks about the honors of chivalry.

Yes, it has some funny bits, but it's mostly a one note joke that gets dragged (no pun intended) far longer, and to more ridiculous extremes, than it should. I would've much rather seen Vida make it to Hollywood, only to see his/her career turn to shit in a sort of self-fulfilling and ironic prophecy for Swayze. Instead, they went for the fish out of water scenario, and at the same time came across as a blantant rip off of an Australian film that came out not long before, and featured General Zod in the Swayze role. Of course, I am referring to...

2)Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert

If you take the concept of To Wong Foo, replace the cheap laughs with genuine humor, move it to Australia, and hire better actors, what you get is this movie.
Tough guy Terrance Stamp (of Superman 2 fame) plays Bernadette, a soon to retire drag queen who is heading into the wilds of Australia for one last show, disturbed over the recent deathof a friend. Her two co-stars, also played by tough guys Guy Pearce (Memento, LA Confidential) and Hugo Weaving (Agent Smith from The Matrix) provide him with support as they head off on their last trip together, meeting interesting characters, and some homophobia, alog with way, riding hellbent for lace in Priscilla, their old tour bus.

The movie goes for real, natural, situational humor rather than the sight gags and cliches of Too Wong Foo. And Terrance is a convincing homosexual. Swayze was not. It succeeds in every way that Wong Foo fails, and didn't effect Stamp's career in a negative way whatsoever. He's since played yet another tough guy in the great film The Limey, and played the evil butler in last year's Eddie Murphy/Disney vehicle The Haunted Mansion. Meanwhile, Swayze is doing direct-to-video flicks and bit parts while he watches no-name sequels to his hit films (Dirty Dancing: Havanna Nights anyone?) make more money in bombing than he'll ever hope of making again. The mark of quality speaks for itself.

And that brings us to our number one Gayest Film of All Time!

...I'm just kidding, though I am tempted to keep it that way...

No, here's the real number one:

1) Trick

This is the shittiest, most predictable, most awful comedy I've ever sat through. It concerns a musical comedy composer named Gabriel who, along with his sort-of girlfriend Tori Spelling, are trying to make it big in Manhattan. He gets a bad review for one of his first works, and his drowning his sorrow in a strip club. On the way out, he comes across (no pun intended) Mark, one of the dancers from the bar, taking a nap on the subway.

They instantly fall in love and the rest of the film concerns their attempts to have gay sex without being walked in on by gabriel's annoying girlfriend or anyone else who might be dismayed at the sight of Gabriel having a cock in his ass.

It becomes ridiculous. No matter where in the 40 something SQUARE MILES of Manhattan that they could go to, someone interrupts them. It's like they're constantly locked on to everyone's gaydar, or they're the only normal people in New York, and everyone else are homophobic pod people out to discover them.

How in the hell can anyone find this movie realistic, when we have George Michaels getting laid in public bathrooms (of course, he was caught) and seedy bath houses all over New York with private rooms? Being a former teenager, I can tell ya with utmost certainty that if a guy wants to get laid bad enough, he'll find a place to take his lady... or guy, such as the case warrants...

So there you have it... It's becoming apparent in Hollywood that one of the easiest ways to make it big, is to "come out." Every time I turn on the TV it seems, there's some star (Anne Heche being a good example) who goes gay long enough to get her name all over the tabloids, then whoops! Nope, must've been something I ate. Frankly, I'm waiting for Sandra Bullock to take her turn down the Sappho Expressway... and it has nothing to do with wanting to see her making out with another chick... absolutely NOTHING!...

Oh, and because I'm in a weird mood and couldn't think of a decent way to segue into a Anne Heche joke, here's a picture I made in MS Paint for you Sea Lab fans. Enjoy!

-=7th=-