Galaxis
Posted by 7th on September 22, 2004

Brigitte Nielsen. A name that shall live in shitty movie infamy. Like the bombs of Pearl Harbor, her massive breasts and utter lack of a coherent English speaking voice have terrorized the movie landscape for going on two decades now. From Rocky IV to other spoogefests starring Sylvester Stallone, Nielsen made her mark on Hollywood, a mark that was slick to the touch and smelled faintly of carp.

There is no point in discussing her talents, because she doesn't have any, short of the two that jut from her ribcage like Israeli RPGs. The only time she hasn't appeared with a blaech blonde, dyke bull dyke hair cut (to my knowledge) was when she donned a long red mullet wig for the quintessential bad movie lover's selection, Red Sonja. To cut to the chase, she's a blight on the face of modern cinema.

Last weekend, I was scanning through the channels, when I came across a sight I never thought I'd see. There, in a swimming pool, floated a much older, wrinkled, unattractive Ms. Nielsen, dry humping with an old, wrinkled, unattractive Flavah Flav of Public Enemy fame. I turned my TV off and turned it back on to make sure it wasn't a problem with the reception. Nope, they were still dry-humping.

Later on, they moved to the bedroom, hidden beneath the sheets and the green sheen of the night vision camera. Flavah's head disappeared beneath the covers. Bridgette said something to the effect of "When you do that, don't use your teeth." I threw up in my mouth.

I normally would say that it's sad that this is what a former actress has to subject herself to to get recognition, but then again, she's brought it on herself, so I have no pity. She's a 6 foot +, worn out old hag who has more sags than a half dead basset hound. And he's a crack-riddled, worn out has-been who looks like he was trapped by a New Guinea head hunter tribe and had a full-body shrink treatment rather than just the head. They deserve each other in their eccentricity and non-cool factor.

So it seemed like serendipity when earlier this week I was, as always, sifting through the trusty Wal-mart bargain bin, when I came across a sci-fi film with Nielsen's white marble face staring Spocklike from the front of the box. And then I saw the other name on the box... Richard Moll... and I knew I'd hit pay dirt.

First thing that captures the eye right off the bat are the lame ass 70's Star Wars era special effects. They make Stargate: SG-1 look GOOD. A voice over explains that for thousands of years, the Sintarians have guarded the "Fire crystal," a power source that actually created the universe.

But now, the evil Lord Kyla (along with his second in command, Admiral Toby) has come to conquer them and steal the crystal for himself. From here, we see a battle scene ripped right from the first Terminator film, with humans in battle armor running from laser-blasting space ships. It's here where we're introduced to Galaxis... only Galaxis isnt her name, nor is the word ever actually used in the movie. Her name is Ladera, sister to the King of the Sintarians. We see her pull two children from the jaws of death and just barely make it to the fortress stronghold before the doors are sealed off. Phew! That was a close one! A mere second slower, and she would've been blown to bits by that four inch long model with candles sticking out of it!

We transition to the inner control room, where Ladera's brother is talking strategy with his second-in-command, who is played by Sam Raimi. Yes, the mastermind behind the Evil Dead Trilogy, Dark Man, and the Spider-man films, amongst others. Even in 1995, Raimi had his hands in numerous projects, with plenty of cash flow coming in, so I can only assume that he did this as a favor to the director. One thing I can say about it. I'm damned glad he chose directing over acting, 'cause he really sucks. You can see his eyes move as he reads the lines off his cue cards, fer Chrissakes... Stick with what you know Sam. And never, EVER play it again, ya dig?

Sam wants to negotiate with Kyla, broker a deal. But no go. Doing so would CAST THE UNIVERSE INTO DARKNESSAH... So it is decided that it would be much better to let Kyla break in and kill them one at a time, and take the crystal anyway. Yeah, smart thinking there, Macarthur. While you're at it, why dont you lay down in front of the door so he'll have something to wipe his feet on.

Remember those two kids that Ladera rescued earlier? Well unbenknownst to the crew, one of those kids wasn't really a kid at all. In a scene that again is ripped right from The Terminator, the kid tosses a guard across the room, and then magically transforms into a fucking Bionicle and blasts his way through the door. Once inside the control room, he kills everyone except for Ladera's brother, then waits patiently as yet another highly familiar scene transpires...

Lord Kyla makes a decidedly Lord Vaderish entrance, and immediately grabs Ladera's brother by the throat and demands the crystal. Again, he refuses, even though it's sitting in plain site on a pedestal in the middle of the room.

What is it about heroism that precludes self-preservation? Hey man, don't get yourself killed over something that only a Darth Vader wannabe and a million wiccan lesbians would find valuable! Give the freak what he wants, and hightail it to Aruba! He who lives and runs away, lives to run another day!

All you're doing by sacrificing yourself is giving Nielsen's character the reason she needs to drag this cinematic stool sample to feature length...

But enough of 7th's wisdom, back to the shitty plot. Kyla assures the king that if he doesn't relinquish the crystal (which I'll remind you is sitting not two feet away from him in plain view) he will kill him. The King chooses death, and gets a nice lovely Wolverine style stab wound for a parting gift.

Ladera comes barging in, breaks the neck of the Bionicle standing guard (much like Stormtroopers, these android guards have the attention span of Pro-wrestling referees. I'm surprised Moll's character wasn't named Lord Heffner) and makes a play for Kyla. But Kyla gets the crystal first, and is surrounded by its power. He laughs maniacally and disappears.

Ladera kneels beside her dying brother, who shares with her a secret. There were two crystals, not one. And the second crystal is the only thing powerful enough to stop Kyla now that he has the original crystal... and that it's hidden on a primitive planet far, far away. You'd think that knowledge would've given him reason to just let Kyla take the damn thing and go so they could still regroup... first rule of battle, the best soldiers are those who still breathe... but we've flogged that dying pony long enough.

The King dies. Ladera throws her fists in the air and gives the patented "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"... the kind of unbridled scream that's been famous in films ever since Luke found out Vader was his father and Kirk found out that Kahn had trapped him for all eternity with his ex-wife.

I'll give you three guesses which primitive planet the crystal's hidden on. Ladera "beams" into the middle of downtown Los Angeles, just in time to stop a gang rape in progress.

Now, allow me for just a moment to describe Ladera's fighting style. It consists of just one move. She stands there defiantly, with her boobs and butt-gut hanging out, and waits for someone to attack her. When they throw a punch, she grabs them by the elbow and shoulder and throws them twenty-five feet, right into a brick wall.

...that's it. Besides shooting her ray gun (which for some reason is depected as being longer than Cloud Stryfe's sword on the back of the box), all she does is throw people into walls. I began to recognize set locations that were being re-used during the course of the film by the make-up stains smeared across the bricks...

Anyway, she foils this rape. Then, we switch to a bar where we meet the other hero of the film, a guy with an 80's waivy haircut (and this movie was released in 1995) and a Member's Onlyish jacket named Jed Sanders. Apparently, he's some sort of antiquities dealer who's spent most of his adult life searching for something called the "Eye of the Incas."

But he ran short of money... so he "borrowed" some cash from a gangster named Menendez, who is supposed to be a member of the hispanic mob but looks, acts, and talks like an Italian... he found the Eye (any guesses as to what it really is?) but Menendez wants it as payment for his debts, so he's on the run. He meets up with his "uncle" Manny, who's Asian. Yeah, an Asian named Manny, go figure.

Manny agrees to hide the crystal until it's safe. He's out the door just a little while when Menendez and his cronies show up, tape Jed to a chair with a bomb in his crotch, and demand the crystal.

Sudden, Ladera appears, having tracked the crystal's emmanations to the bar. She makes quick work of throwing all the mobsters into various walls, then breaks Jed free so he can run to safety.

But running's just not her style. She nonchallantly strolls out of the bar as the bomb goes off, and walks unhurt through the flames. On top of being six foot amazon blondes with tits you could launch space shuttles from, Sintarians are also apparently fire proof... which makes me wonder why so many of them died in the explosions during the opening battle scene. Continuity, thou art an elusive mistress.

Meanwhile, the cops are running through the crime scene looking for clues, and find Jed's wallet. Their going theory is he's a columbian drug smuggler, and a deal with Menendez went horribly wrong.

Later on, they get back to the station and are told that he had an accomplice, a white blonde female... Normally this would be a hard target to nail down in Hollywood... But a Six foot tall blonde in a cutaway Borg outfit??

The Dynamic Duo head to Manny's house, only to find that Kyla's beat them there. Manny is a crispy critter, to quote Iggy Pop.

They figure he must have given the crystal to his nephew, and track him down, only to find that he doesn't have it either... but he has a pocketful of diamonds.
On a hunch, Jed leads Ladera to an all Chinese club, where he knows a Chinese mob boss. Sure as the world, Manny's nephew had traded the thing for diamonds. Jed sits in on a card game trying to win it back, when both the cops and Kyla attack at once.

Jed manages to get the crystal back (whilst Ladera keeps the baddies busy by... what else?... throwing them into walls) but ends up getting both Ladera and himself arrested.

The cops aren't buying their story of power crystals, alien worlds, and Dark Overlords of the Universe. That is, until Kyla appears and starts killing cops in, yet again, a scen straight out of The Terminator. Jed almost gets nabbed by Kyla when he USES THE FORCE to choke him out, but they escape in the nick of time by jumping out a window and hopping in a van that:

A) Just happened to be parked right in frnt of the window and

B) Had the keys still in the ignition.

It's amazing how easy life can be when someone's writing it for you.

This actually happened earlier in the movie, but I thought I'd throw that out there in case my cheesy jokes weren't holding your interest...

...

On with the film!

We're of course led to an abandoned factory setting for the climactic battle. AGAIN, The Terminator. I can't wait till Judgement Day at this point, so I can go back in time and burn this script.

There's lots of guns blazing, and magic hurling, and guys being tossed into walls.
In the end, Ladera gets one of the crystals away from Kyla and blasts him with it, sending him crashing to the ground below... then a helicopter he'd previously shot blows up and lands on him... that about as definitive an end as you can get....

But no! Just after Brigitte kisses Jed goodbye and returns to the planet Sintaria (no doubt to confess her sintars,) Menendez shows up again, blissfully unaware that he's no longer important to the plot. The former enemy cop shoots him in the back, tying up that end quite nicely, thank you. And so Jed and the cop walk away together into the Hollywood night, leaving us wondering why this film was rated R when it had no:

1) Nudity
2) Sex
3) R-rated language.

Perhaps the site of Nielsen's boobs never moving is considered disturbing imagery...

Nielsen shoulda stayed in Europe. better to end her career with this almost not quite sort of passable C flick rather than resurface sucking face with Flavah Flav and looking like the unwrapped bride of Mum-Ra. There are some people who should retire and stay that way, like Hulk Hogan and Carrot Top.

Wait...

He hasn't retired????

Enh... he'll probably show up on the Surreal Life next year sucking face with the revived corpse of Audrey Hepburn...

-=7th=-