Rocket Robin Hood
Posted by 7th on October 11, 2004
Coming home late one night, I decided to throw on Teletoon (The Canadian version of the Cartoon Network) to see if I could catch an episode of Aqua Teen Hungerforce. Much to my dismay, I had missed it, and would have to endure an hour and a half of crappy Spiderman re-runs and Cybersix, the gayest show since gay was gay. Or so it would seem. Cybersix had been replaced with a mysterious show named “Rocket Robin Hood”. Now, I had never seen or heard of this show, and being in a particularly adventurous mood, decided to give this oddly named show a chance. I sat down and watched a bad episode of Spiderman, and then Rocket Robin Hood started, with its old-fashioned Sunday morning serial style of theme song, promising epic journeys and battles between good and evil.
Come gather around me! Space travelers surround me!
Hark now to the ballad of Rocket Robin Hood!
I may well confound you, astound you, spellbound you,
with heroes and villains, the bad and the good.
Watch now as our rockets race here from afar!
For now, with our Robin, we live on a star!
Link to full version: http://www2.wi.net/~rkurer/toontracker/rocketrh.html (It’s playing in the background)
However, once the theme song stopped, I soon realized that I had never made a worse decision. This show is one of the worst animated things I have ever watched. But what can I expect from none other then the ultimate hack of animation, Ralph Bakshi. If you haven’t heard of this guy, he brought forth animated “classics” such as Fritz the Cat (Robert Crumb hates Bakshi over this movie, btw), the Who Framed Roger Rabbit? knock-off Cool World, and most of all, the 70’s animated LOTR, which sucked more ass then a Hoover vac raised by Jenna Jameson and Richard Simmons, who in a bizzare time paradox became un-gay and a proctologist
plus
plus
equals
Anyway, the episode layout of Rocket Robin Hood is one of the most annoying aspects of the show. The show was broken up into 3 mini episodes, each about 5 min. long. However, that only fills 15 min. in a 22-min. show. So, the “brains” behind the show decided to throw in 4 1-min. or so exposition mini shorts. One explained the story of Robin, the others Little John, Friar Tuck, and Prince John and the Sheriff of NOTT. (In the only clever thing done in the entire show, NOTT stands for National Outer-Space Terrestrial Territories). While this is a good tactic to help bring in new viewers, the fact that these same 4 clips are in EVERY FREAKIN EPISODE detracts big time from the little enjoyment the show has on repeated viewings. Seriously, the makers of the show are the laziest fucks in show biz history. The teamsters on that one episode of The Simpsons were more productive. Besides, the concept of adding exposition midway into a story is a really bad idea. I mean, what would happen if others used this concept?
Bruce Wills whispers into his tape recorder
BW: I’m not helping him.
VOICE OVER: Bruce Wills has been dead the whole time, and Haley Joel Osmond knows that he’s dead, and he helps dead people solve problems and catches a murdering mom.. Oh, and red=bad.
See what I mean? This concept also totally destroyed any flow the show had left, since the crappy animation is about as smooth as the water in that one bitchin’ part of Das Boot when the sub is going is passing Gibraltar, and like half the Royal Navy is firing on them. Anyway, the characters can be summed up pretty easily:
ROBIN
Robin, is of course the hero of the show, and is TOTALLY GAY. Seriously, he and Maid Marion have zero stuff going on, he wears tights, and hangs out with a bunch of other dudes. He doesn’t even have any special powers. Actually, with the exception of super strong Little John, no one has any powers, making this whole character analysis rather pointless. All he can do is shoot arrows and have a seemingly endless amount of rope. That’s it. And every episode, Robin uses some combination of rope and arrow to defeat super powerful spaceships.
Rope > Death Star?
I don’t think so.
FRIAR TUCK
Friar Tuck is seriously the worst character on the show. You know what he does? Eat. That’s his power. That and stupidity. At least a dozen times the Sheriff tricks him by offering food. And when he makes a joke about food. We are expected to laugh. Because he is fat. After all, INCREASED RISK OF A HEART ATTACK AND CANCER=LOL, am I rite?
LITTLE JOHN
No pictures of Little John by himself seem to exist on the Internet, so for your info, he’s the large blond man. As I said earlier, Little John is really the only guy on the show with anything special about him. He’s strong, blond….okay, you know what? All I have to do is type strong and blond next to each other, and every one out in Internet land will go “OMG, Nazi!” So I’ll remove the middleman:
There? Happy? I’ve added the head of Reinhard Heydrich, known as the “Blond Beast”. He constructed the 'Final Solution' for Hitler, and I still feel I’ve improved the quality of the show
PRINCE JOHN AND THE SHERIFF
Jesus, look at those guys. Have you ever seen less scary villains? The evil vet from Bike Squad elicited more of a scare then these fucks. The king is a legit pinhead, and the Sheriff looks like a Depends spokesman. I hope Alan Rickman finds the guy who did the voice of the Sheriff, and kills him.
By Grabthar's hammer.
See what I did there?
So the only thing left is to give a description of an average episode:
-Annoying theme
Robin: I am in a space ship
Tuck: Food.
Sheriff: Ha ha. It’s a trap.
VOICE OVER: Robin is super. Super gay
Little John: I’ll use my super Nazi powers to knock this Jew door down.
Tuck: I’m fat, LOL
VOICE OVER: Little John is strong.
Sheriff: Ohhh! You Robin Hood! Minions, attack!
VOICE OVER: Tuck likes to eat food.
Robin: I’ll use arrows and rope to defeat you! (Does so)
Tuck: I’ll never eat food again! (Eats food)
Robin: Ohhhh!
VOICE OVER: Christ, the bad guys in this show suck.
END CREDITS
That’s it. If you should ever come to see this show. Don’t watch it. It’s like having boiling hot not fun liquid ejected into your eye.
This is William Francis Ross Norman, the Kaiser of Port Credit, out.
kaiser@The7thLevel.com
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