How To Make A Crappy Movie 101: Darkest Knight
Posted by 7th on November 07, 2004

The following are excerpts from the journal of Mark Ezra, which I found last week beneath the table of my local Denny's, covered in dust and He-Man slime. It is the most honest representation of why direct-to-video films are direct-to-video, and should act as a public (mental) health warning to those thinking of getting into the business.

10/12/2001

Words cannot express my excitement! Today, after four long, grueling months, I have finally graduated from Mel Garbrook's School of Film and Lawnmower Repair! At long last, my dream of directing is within grasp. And even moreso than I previous envisioned! No sooner had I left the covered folding-table podium with my degree (printed in the finest font that Print Shop Deluxe has to offer, I might add) than I was approached by a producer named Clive looking for a "young visionary" to direct his first production! I don't have a script yet, but I jumped at the chance! Just think, once this film is completed, I'll be able to put on my resume that I began directing my first film less than a month out of film school! Plus I'll be able to score some extra pounds repairing lawn mowers. Bully me!

10/22/01

Still no script yet. But Clive did call me from a pay phone and give me a brief description. He said it was "an epic fantasy adventure in the tradition of Peter Jackson's Lord of The Rings Trilogy." I must admit, that has me in titters! I absolutely loved Jackson's fantasy trilogy (though honestly, I found them a bit too long.) According to the producer, this film, which he said is called "Darkest Knight," was originally slated to be a television series, but the BBC turned it down for being too "avante garde," so the funding was refunnelled into making a motion picture instead. The funds for an entire BBC series being used to make one two hour film? My God, the budget must be ENORMOUS! I may be walking into a production to rival the biggest American Blockbuster!

I am puzzled why I still have no copy of the script, but at least I have made SOME headway. Clive mailed me a brief character study on each of the main parts. I was pleased to hear that he's already chosen an actor for the lead villain, a member of the London Undergroud troupe by the name of Jeffrey Thomas. I haven't found much info on what past experience he has, but the description of his character is most chilling, an evil sorceror by the name of Mordour. Mordour... why is that name so familiar to me? Ah! I know! It's that fish and chips emporium just down the way from Westminster Abbey!

10/24/01

Again, still no script. But I received a fax at the lawn mower repair shop from Clive concerning the fact that he'd hired an designer named Rick for our costumes, props, and sets! Included was a picture of Mordour's evil book of spells. It appears to be centuries old, leather bound and covered in spider webs and dust! It looks so authentic that I can only imagine what wondrous set designs, props and costumes this man has in store for us. Only one thing troubles me. How is Rick making these designs without a copy of the script?

10/31/01

All Hallow's Eve! And still no script! But I have hired another actor, and for the lead part, no less! His name is Ben Pullen (a fantastic actor from Wales who, from certain angles, conjures the look of that marvelous American actor Ben Affleck. Hey! Ben, and Ben! I take this as a good omen!) and he'll be playing the hero, Ivanhoe. I can only assume that this character is the same Ivanhoe featured in the excellent BBC miniseries of the same name that came out several years back. From what I've read from the Internet, it appears that miniseries was so successful that it also spawned a book based on the script! (Note: find a copy of this book, assuming it's still in print.) I can only hope that the love of this character that I saw online will rain success upon our upcoming production! Perhaps I could find the author of this book and offer him a consultant's position...

11/10/01

At last, I have received the script. I must say... it's not exactly what I was expecting. Oh, I think I can work it into something special. But it's not quite as epic as Clive had led me to believe. Take for example a scene from act two, wherein Mordour conjures up a spell to lure a monster from the woods to kill Ivanhoe. There's a three paragraph long description of this vile creature, which was meant to stand twelve feet tall, covered in red fur with vicious fangs and breathing fire.

Oh well, a wild boar it is, then.

11/17/01

Another actor hired. Cameron Rhodes is playing the part of Prince John, a character whom I have been told has also appeared in a film from that ghastly American director Mel Brooks. Well, villain though he may be, my Prince John will display a temperment of dignity and royal ambiance. There will be no sophomoric tomfoolery in MY film!

11/21/01

I can't believe it. Today I received a script revision with a picture attached to it, a picture of an actor named Peter O'Farrell. Apparently, he is to play a new character named Odo, described as "a diminutive little elf who is short in both stature and courage, a beguilingly clever thief with quic wit and quicker tongue who revels in engaging in sophomoric tomfoolery."

Secondly, I'm attempting to make an epic here. Did Cecil B. Demille use comic relief? Were Shakespeare's works littered with stumbling, loud-mouthed buffoons? I THINK NOT!

11/26/01

Today, I was informed by Clive that he'd filled the part of my female lead, a fiery magic user named Rebecca, by hiring his girlfriend, an actress named Charlotte Comer. She's red-headed, green eyed, and has more freckles than a seventy year old Floridian sun bather. But she is a self-proclaimed Wiccan, so this apparently gives her an edge of understanding towards her character. More and more, I'm developing an underlying sense of foreboding towards this production.

The woman cannot act. She has ony one facial expression, and I wonder if even that is merely the bi-product of Botox usage. She doesn't take direction well either. Today I told her "run from this point to that point, and look frightened." She ran alright, but spent the entire jog hunched over, trying to keep her partially exposed breasts in the center of the shot. Clive later told me that he'd instructed her to do this, as he paid over 6,000 pounds sterling for them, and would get that money back any way that he could.

11/30/01

Again, I am seeing a disturbing pattern of plaigarizing previous films. In this case, the character of Fingal, described as a "wise and benevolent magician, who has no patience for Odo's antics." Clive introduced me to the actor he'd chosen for this role, a man named Desmond Kelley, already decked out in his costume, and he looks for all the world like the Dusseldorf character from those Harry Pootle films. Well, his British accent is serviceable enough, though he hails from Australia, land of the criminals that her majesty forgot (HAH!) At least this character isn't one more notch copied from Mr. Jackson's formidable belt.

12/05/01

Today I actually had a bit of fun for a change, though I am still becoming more and more underwhelmed by the quality of the overall production with each passing day. Where in the bloody hell is all that extra money we were supposed to have?

What I found when I came on set was a castle that appears to be made entirely of paper mache. To make matters worse, Odo was supposed to set off a booby trap that caused pillars of flames to shoot from the very ground. Again, upon taking my seat in my director's chair (which, for some reason, has the name "Barry Bostwick" on the back instead of my own) I'd found that section crossed out in red ink and replaced with "falling rocks." I'm looking at one of these "rocks" as I write this. With closer inspection, it's clear that Rick has wadded up several copies of the London Times into a large ball, then dipped it in gray paint. I suppose I must try to make the best of it, but I fear my actors will look rather silly bouncing balls of newspaper off their shields.

12/13/01

Today, another action scene. This one had Ivanhoe pitted against the revived corpse of the captain of the guard, turned into a vile, slime oozing beastie. He was originally described in the script as being massive, some eight feet tall. I asked Rick how he was going to pull this off, and he said he'd received inspiration from his 10 year old son's copy of Mortal Kombat 3... I did not take this as a good thing.

And so today, onto the set walks this man in a rubber mask. He vaguely resembles one of the Star Wars figures I had as a child, only not as sophisticated, which is really saying something, considering those films are going on thirty years old. When the actor turned and said hello to me, I could see not only his real lips behind the latex, but also his moustache. So I decided that most of the action shots would have to be filmed from over his shoulder. Which is fine for Ben, I suppose, but does little to further the film. I still don't understand where all that extra budget money is going. I asked Clive about it while we were touring about town in his new Masaratti... He said he hadn't a clue. I feel sorry for him, as I blame myself for being incapable of bringing his vision to life.

12/22/01

Today I came on set, and found myself filming Ivanhoe and Mordour fighting in front of a green sheet. I was furious. "Rick, that's the cheapest set I've ever seen!"

"It's a jet-ski," he answered. Now this has me worried. I consider myself a pretty open-minded gent. But I've never heard tell of a dragon that looked like a Seadoo.

12/25/01

Christmas Day, and I'm sitting on my couch, watching the dailies Rick dropped off. I sit here in astonishment, looking at the footage of the "demon" he created. I'm both thrilled and dismayed at what I'm seeing. True to his word, the green sheet has indeed been replaced by a demon crawling out of the wall. In fact, you can just barely see a green trimline around our valiant hero.

But the demon is not up to my hopes, and certainly not up to par with the beastie's in the Lord of the Rings. He looks like some giant tape worm with claws, fighting to escape from a giant's bum. I simply won't stand for this. I'm going to talk to Clive right now!

12/15/01

Bloody bastard! He lied to me! He's been lying the entire time, the supercilious git! He spent the money! He spent it on his damned car! Now we're not only over budget, but he said we needed to save a hundred grand of it to make a BLOODY SEQUEL!

I'M COMING FOR YOU CLIVE! SMOKE ME A KIPPER! I'LL BE BACK FOR BREAKFAST!

-=7th=-