Twenty-Five Reasons Why You Should Watch Red Dwarf
Posted by 7th on January 16, 2005

I first learned of the glory of the Dwarf when I was scarcely 19. I was skimming through the local362 Fidonet threads (what we used for email in the BBS world, before this fancy schmancy World Wide Web) and saw a thread called "Red Dwarf." I thought it was some science geek thread, but I checked it out anyway.
Inside was described the most insane, nonsensical, absurd televsion show I'd ever heard of. It was so obnoxious that I couldn't believe I'd never heard of it.

Then I found out that it was a British comedy, and that the only place you could see it was on public broadcasting on saturdays at 11 PM... Yeah. Then it made sense.

So I started watching, and became instantly addicted. I found out that the local Media Play carried the show on VHS. I bought every tape.

I have followed the show dilligently over the years, cresting with the release of series 8 a couple years ago. Recently, series 1-4 were released on DVD, with series 5 hitting the UK just last month. I have all four, and am awaiting the fifth.

And you should be as well...

There is no easy way to describe this show, so I'll give you a brief synopsis of the plot and go from there. Be assured, none of what I'm about to share with you is made up or joke-enhanced by me in any way. The show is just as screwed up as it sounds.

In the far future, coasting through the eternal ether of space, is the Jupiter Mining Corporation mining vessel, the Red Dwarf. And sitting in the bowels of said ship feeding a cat named Frankenstein is Dave Lister, technician 3rd class, the lowest ranked member of the crew.

He picked up the cat while on shore leave, and has hidden it in his quarters because all non-quarantined animals brought on board are subject to dissection.

You see, he needs that cat. It keeps him sane, reminds him of the home he left when he got drunk trying to play a real life game of Monopoly with his buddies through the streets of London and woke up one of the lowest ranked members of the Space Corps.

But mostly, he got the cat because he knew it would piss Rimmer off.

Rimmer is his bunk mate. Arnold Judas Rimmer, technician 2nd class, Lister's commanding officer. Rimmer is an anal retentive git. But he is different from most anal retentives in that he is obsessed with getting everything just right, but fails at every attempt. He longs to join his brothers as high ranking officers in the Space Corps, but instead he's on the midnight shift, repairing the food dispensors that won't supply officers with Chicken Soup. His abject failure angers him, and causes frustration of an unbearable degree. And he takes this frustration out on Lister at every given opportunity. That is, until one fateful night, when both their destinies are changed forever.

Lister is bumming around the ship that night. He's been depressed all day. His girlfriend, Officer Kristine Kochanski, has dumped him for the ship's cook, and he is still feeling the effects of it. He's called to the captain's office. The Captain informs him that he knows about the cat, and he wants it.

"What cat?" asks Lister.

"Lister, not only are you so dumb that you bring an unquarantined animal onboard this ship, but you take a picture of yourself WITH the cat and had it processed in the ship's photo lab. Now I want that cat and I want it now." He holds up the hologmatic polaroid for Dave to see.

"What are you gonna do with the cat?"

"We're going to dissect it and check for diseases."

"Are you gonna put it back together when you're done?"

"No."

"So pardon me for asking, but what's in it for the cat?"

"Lister, either give me that cat or you're going into stasis for the next three years."

While Lister is being placed into Stasis Sleep (with Frankenstein having escaped through the air vents into the cargo hold) Rimmer is having his own bad day. He's attempted once more to take the Officer's Exam, having studied for weeks (well, he PLANNED to study... he took so much time making his study timetable chart that by the time he finished it he had just a few hours before exam time) and suffers a complete mental breakdown during the exam. While he is being seen to by the nurse, he is away from his duties, allowing a drive plate he hadn't repaired properly to break its seal, flooding the ship with lethal radiation. The entire crew is killed. All except for one loser bum in the Stasis Pod, and a black pregnant cat in the lead-lined cargo hold.

The door swishes open. Lister is awakened by Holly, the ship's computer, represented by the hologramatic image of a bald man's face. He informs Lister that 3 million years have transpired, and that everyone is dead. He walks into his quarters, stunned by the thought that he is quite possibly the last human being alive, and finds Rimmer standing there gawking at him, a large metallic "H" stuck to his forehead.

You see, Holly knew that without anyone to interract with, Lister could easily decline into madness. So he took in account all of the people Lister associated with, and counted how many words he'd spoken to each. Rimmer was number one (though the majority of those words were Lister telling Rimmer to smeg off) so Holly regenerated Rimmer as a hologram. He has all of Rimmer's thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, (and neurosis) but he is a computer-generated simulation, and as such incapable of touching anything. He can leave the ship by way of his light bee, a small coin-sized object that flies around inside him projecting his image, but he can never touch anything, never cradle a crying child, or as he puts it, "interfere with a woman sexually" again. Lister of course reminds him that he never did any of those things when he was alive anyway.

As they troll through the ship, they come across a strange black man in a bright pink suit, his hair perfectly coiffed, his teeth long and sharp. He lets out a distinctively James Brownish "Yooow! Better make myslf look BIG!" and leaps at them. They flee, only to be told by Holly that he is harmless. Apparently, Lister's cat escaped into the cargo hold and had her kittens. Then these kittens had kittens, and so on, until eventually they evolved into homosapiens felinis: Cat People. A whole religion was founded on Dave, who in their mythology becomes "Cloister, he who was frozen in time to save us." The cat race fled the Red Dwarf in search of the promised land, and left behind only two of their race: a feeble old man and prist of Cloister (who later dies in Lister's arms) and the Idiot (ie the Cat.)

An so Lister, The Cat, and Rimmer begin their adventure across the stars, trying to get back home to Earth, or whatever's left of it.

So now that you have the gist of it, more or less, here's 25 reasons why you should take it upon yourself to see this show.

25) The Hand Print

Episode: The End, Series I.

The Gist: This is the debut episode, where the above events transpire. Lister wakes up to find everyone dead, and that he's destined to spend the rest of his life with a dead and (inconceivably) even more disgruntled Rimmer. Also, Lister walks around the ship eating from various piles of white powder he finds everywhere until eventually Holly (who has been alone for three million years and is now suffering from computer senility) informs him that these piles of white powder are the remains of the crew, which he never bothered to have cleaned up by the robotic janitorial staff.

Memorable Moment: Rimmer walks in to take his exam, having in desperation written several answers all over his arms, thighs, and bottom of his shoes. He sits down and looks at the first page of the exam, and draws a complete blank. He checks to see if the administrator is looking, then pushes up his sleeve, only to find that he is so nervous that he's sweated his answers into a dark black smudge. He stares at his black-stained hand for a moment, his face a mask of defeat, then slams his palm onto his test sheet, leaving a large black palm print, which he then autographs. He stands up, salutes the administrator (and when Rimmer salutes, he really salutes, spinning his hand in several rotations until finally coming to rest across his brow) then passes out onto the floor. He passes Lister on his way to the Stasis Pod. He's laying on a gurney as the nurse wheels him to his quarters to recover from his exam ordeal.

"Rimmer, you alright?" Lister asks.

"Oh I don't know. I think I did quite well!"

24) The Dead Crew

Episode: Kryten, Series II

The Gist: The boys receive a distress call from a starship called The Nova Five. They arrive to find the entire crew dead, save for the android Kryten, who sent the distress call. They bring him onboard, and Rimmer immediately jumps on him with new tasks for him to perform, while Lister tries to break his programming and teach him to have his own mind and desires, including after hours viewings of The Wild Ones, Easy Rider, and Rebel Without A Cause at the ship's cinema.

Eventually, Kryten rebels against Rimmer's tyranical rule, dons some rather fetishistic leather gear, and heads off into space aboard Lister's "space bike." (Of note, the actor who protrays Kryten in this, his debut episode, later went on to provide the voice of Talky Toaster.)

Memorable Moment: When Kryten sends the distress call, he sends along pictures of the all lady crew from their staff files, completely failing to mention that they're all dead. Rimmer has Holly modify his program to have him dressed in his ceremonial uniform, and insists that Lister refer to him as Captain Ace Rimmer, Space Adventurer, claiming Ace was his nickname in grade school. Lister replies "No way man, your nickname was never Ace. Maybe Ace-HOLE."

They arrive onboard the Nova Five, and Rimmer makes a show of bowing before the crew, only to look up and see four skeletons staring back at him. Lister elbows him and says "Watch out Ace, I think the blonde one's giving you the eye."

23) Lister's Sons

Episode: Future Echoes, Series I

The Gist: Holly informs the crew that the ship has broken the speed of light, causing various moments in time from the future to manifest themselves across the ship. Unfortunately for Lister, this includes seeing himself be blown to bits on the bridge. Happily for Rimmer, however, this includes seeing Lister blown to bits on the bridge.

Or so they think. While trying to discover the mystery of how he dies, Lister comes across a future echo of himself as a very old man. Though he can't see Lister, as he's in the past, he knows Lister is there, having already lived the moment from the young Lister's perspective. He explains that it was his grandson that he saw die, not himself.

Rimmer approaches him. "What about me, old man, what about me? Do I become an officer?"

"Ah, Rimmer," the old man says. "I bet you want to know what happens to you."

"Yes, yes!"

"Well come closer."

Rimmer steps closer.

"And closer."

Rimmer steps closer still.

The old Lister takes a breath, then bursts out laughing and flips Rimmer off before vanishing forever.

Memorable Moment: The old man urges Lister to grab his camera and run down to the medical unit. There, he meets a future echo of himself holding two twin babies. The future echo poses for a picture, then vanishes. Lister stands there in the hallway, looking at the picture as Rimmer walks up.

"How in the world in the middle of deep space do you end up with twin boys?"

"I don't know, but it's gonna be a hell of a laugh finding out!"

22) The Dog

Episode: Parallel Universe, Series II

The Gist: Holly invents the "Holly Hop Drive," a new advancement in space propulsion. Supposedly, it is capable of transporting the ship from one spot in space to any other spot in space instantly, even though it's just a box with one button on top with the words "start" and "stop" written across the side. Thrilled at the prospect of going home, the guys engage the drive, only to find themselves still in deep space, but facing across at an exact replica of the Red Dwarf.

Holly hails the ship, and encounters Hilly, a female computer who acts and speaks exactly like him (and whose image he would "mimmick" starting in series three as a sign of computer "affection," which was a nice way of saying they hired a blonde chick for the role.)

The boys make their way to the other Red Dwarf, and immediately encounter female versions of themselves, right down to their clothes and personalities. All except for the Cat. "What's wrong here? Lister, female opposite. Rimmer, female opposite. Where's mine?"

"Oh," says the female Lister. "Sniffing around in the cargo decks I suppose."

The Cat spins in excitement and runs off towards the cargo decks.

"He's in for a surprise," says the female Lister.

"Why's that?" asks Lister.

"His opposite's a dog."

That night, as Rimmer discovers what it's like to be objectified by the opposite sex as his doppleganger gropes at him and sticks her tongue in his ear (holograms can touch each other.) Lister gets blitz drunk and wakes up in bed with his female opposite.

And because he's currently in a parallel female dominated universe, he also finds out that men are the ones who give birth.

Rimmer reminds Lister of the picture of his future echo. "I asked you how you had two twin boys, and you said it would be a hell of a time finding out. Oh how right you were, Listy!"

The boys say their goodbyes and rush back to the ship, where Lister is given a pregnancy test.

"Okay how's this work again?" asks Rimmer.

"It's red for pregnant and blue for not pregant, which is what it's going to be."

Rimmer looks down at the petrie dish and says "Come on you reds!"

After a few moments Rimmer jumps up and says "Ooh, it's starting to change color!"

"What color?" Lister says.

"It's changing color!" Rimmer says again.

"What color?!" Lister asks again.

"You said blue for not pregant and red for pregnant, right?"

"Yes, for God's sake Rimmer what color?!"

"Good news Listy!" Rimmer exclaims.

"Oh thank God," Lister sighs in relief.

Rimmer stands up and grins. "I'm going to be an uncle!"

Memorable Moment: The Cat runs into the Dog on the cargo deck. He's a short, bearded redneckish man with sharp teeth, a southern accent, and fleas. The Dog introduces himself, then says to the Cat "Tell ya what! I'm a gonna smell your behind and then you can smell mine! Is that a deal?"

The Cat looks at him incredulousy. "You wanna smell my WHAT?"

"How else we gonna get to know each other? Don't you wanna smell me?"

"Maaaan, I could smell you if you was on MARS!"

21) Reversible Poop

Episode: Backwards, Series III

The Gist: While out giving Kryten (who has returned and joined the crew) a driver's exam, Rimmer flies their shuttle craft, the Starbug, right into a "time hole" which sends them across space and time to twentieth century earth, but to a version of earth were time runs backwards. The entire episode is filmed in reverse, with cars going backwards, people talking backwards, and so on.

Lister and the Cat follow them and try to mount a rescue. They find that in the time they've been searching, Rimmer and Kryten have started a very popular lounge act to make money (or in this universe, to give it away... in one scene Rimmer describes their first night in town, when a mugger "shoved fifty pounds into my wallet at gunpoint.")

During all of this, Lister ends up somehow starting a barroom brawl in reverse, during which he puts a tooth back in a man's mouth by "unpunching him" and comes sailing in backwards through a window, unbreaking it. "it's not a barroom brawl," he exclaims, "it's a barroom tidy!"

Memorable Moment: Towards the end of the episode, Rimmer and Lister are standing outside the ship waiting for The Cat.

"Where's the Cat?" Rimmer asks.

Lister points off in the distance. "Oh he's... you know... out in the bushes."

Rimmer nods, and looks off into the horizon. Then, realization dawns on both their faces. "We've gotta stop him!" Lister exclaims.

The scene changes to The Cat's head poking up from behind a bush, his teeth gritted in agony, his hair standing straight up. He hobbles his way stiff-legged back to the ship, and steps between Rimmer and Lister, who are both struggling not to laugh.

"DON'T ASK!"

20) Rimmer's Holiday

Episode: Dimension Jump

The Gist: The boys are out in Starbug patrolling when another ship crashes into theirs, sending it hurtling to the surface of the nearest planet. As it turns out, the pilot of that ship, who comes to rescue them, is none other than Ace Rimmer, a test pilot for the Space Corps from an alternate reality where Rimmer made a different choice sometime in his life, and ended up becoming the hero of the Space Corps.

His ship has a specialized Reality Drive that allows him to break the speed of reality, jumping from dimension to dimension, meeting all the other versions of himself.

As he fights to save the crew (The Cat broke his leg in the crash and becomes quite delirious, speaking of horrible fashion choices that even a homeless man would refuse to wear) Rimmer comes to hate him, driving himself mad trying to figure out what advantage this Rimmer had that caused him to be such a success.

He fixes the Starbug, and defers on Lister's invitation to stay with them on the Dwarf. Lister took an immediate liking to Ace, who nicknamed him Skipper. ("Ace and Skipper?" says Rimmer in disgust. "Sounds like a bad television show about a boy and his bush kangaroo.")

"Sorry Dave, I can't stay. Me and him? It would never work out. The man's a maggot!"

Ace avoids a trap laid by Rimmer in the cargo bay, then boards his ship to seek out new Rimmers throughout the whole of existance. He turns to his new friends and salutes them. "Smoke me a Kipper!" he says as he blasts off, "I'll be back for breakfast!"

Memorable Moment: At the beginning of the episode, Rimmer is forcing Kryten to sit through thousands of pictures he took when he, needing a vacation, decided to deck himself out in liederhosen and take a two week walking tour of the Dwarf's engines.

Kryten is sitting slumped in his chair, the plastic of his face seeming to hang off his metallic skull. "Pardon me sir," he says to Rimmer, "but my logic circuits appear to have melted."

Rimmer complains that if they stop now, Kryten will miss some of the bigger engines he found further along the trail.

"Sir, that's a risk I'm willling to take."

19) Rimmer's Portrait

Episode: Kryten, Series II

The Gist: As stated above, Rimmer immediately puts Kryten to work with a humungous list of chores for him to accomplish, almost causing him to break down from the strain. Lister comes walking into their quarters and finds them to be wall-papered and decorated with frilly lace.

He learns what Rimmer has been up to and sets about to counter it with examples of free-will and bucking authority to break Kryten's programming and make him a free being.

"His name isn't 'Mr. Arnold,'" he tells Kryten.

"His name's Rimmer. Or Smeghead. Or Barnacle Breath, Molecule Mind, and if you want to be polite to him Kryten, I mean extra extra polite, you can call him ASSHOLE."

Memorable Moment: Rimmer is sitting in his dress uniform while Kryten paints his portrait. He finishes and shows it to Rimmer. It depicts him sitting on a toilet, a roll of toilet paper in his hand.

"What are you doing?!" Rimmer demands.

"I ah... I think I'm ah... rebelling."

"Rebelling?!" Rimmer exclaims in disbelief.

"Yes, yes, I... I THINK that's what I'm doing."

"What are you rebeling against?!"

Kryten smirks, and tosses his paints on the floor. "Whatddya got?"

Lister whoops his approval as Kryten pours tomato soup all over Rimmer's bunk.

"Barnacle breath!" he exclaims. "Molecule Mind! Smeg for Brains!"

He turns to Lister. "I need your bike!"

"You got it!" Lister says, and hands him the keys. He heads towards the door, gives the still shocked Rimmer one last glance, and flips him the bird. "Swivel on it, punk!"

18) The Crew On Trial

Episode: The Inquisitor, Series V

The Gist: The crew are attacked by a being called The Inquisitor, an android from the future who, according to Legend (and a rather long exposition by Kryten) travelled through space till the end of all existence, where he determined there was no God, no afterlife, and decides that the only reason for existence is to have led a worthwhile life. And so he travels throughout all of history, removing from the timeline those who wasted their lives so that other possible versions of themselves can have a chance to exist. As you can imagine, the Dwarfers are in serious trouble.

One by one, he places each of them on trial, and finds them all unworthy of existence. Soon Lister finds himself the only on left alive in a new timeline, running from the Inquistor and being helped by other possible versions of his friends. As they flee, the Inquisitor accidentally kills the new alternate Lister. Since Lister no longer exists in time, he can no longer open the DNA coded doors. So he steals a "piece" of the dead Lister to help him through the ship.

Kryten witnesses Lister using this "accessory" and states "If mechanoids could barf I'd be on my fifth bag by now!"

Lister eventually catches back up in the timeline to where everyone starts to be killed, where he steals the past Inquisitor's Inquisitor glove. He has Kryten reprogram it just before that version of Kryten is destroyed, then tricks the Inquisitor into shooting him. But he had Kryten reverse the polarity of his glove, causing the beam to bounce back and destroy the Inquisitor instead. Mentally constipated yet?

He uses the Inquisitor's glove to bring everyone back, and explains to the Cat how he defeated their new and now dead foe. The Cat says "Hey man, gimme five!"

Lister holds up the dead Lister's severed hand. "Even better, I can give ya fifteen!"

Memorable Moment: The Cat is being placed on trial. He is asked what value he has given to the universe, to justify his petty existence.

"I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass!"

Meanwhile, Lister is trying to convince the NEW Rimmer that he knows him, that HE is the REAL real Lister. He does so by telling him about Rimmer's first sexual experience:

"Fiona Barrington, in the green house! You thought you'd got lucky, but it turned out that all the time you had your hand in warm compost!"

17) Ace Rimmer

Episode: Dimension Jump, Series IV

The Gist: As stated above, Ace Rimmer, an alternate version of Arnold, is a crackerjack test pilot for the Space Corps. As we first meet him, he's walking through the base, speaking with his various crewmates. While this is going on, a direct connection is made between Ace and Tom Cruise's Maverick character from Top Gun, as Ace's theme music begins to play: a complete parody sound-alike of the "Take My Breath Away" song from the Top Gun soundtrack. He runs into alternate versions of the Cat (who is a priest,) Lister (who is the Space Corp's best mechanic) Holly (who is a receptionist for Bongo, Ace's commanding officer) and Kryten (who is Bongo, Ace's commanding officer.) He turns down two sexual advances. One from the secretary (who informs him that she'll be waiting in her quarters, covered in maple syrup) and one from Bongo (who tells him he'll be in HIS quarters, covered in pummice.)

As he leaves each person important in his life, they all watch him walk away with looks of awe upon their faces, each uttering he same three words: "What a guy."

Memorable Moment: Bongo glances up and sees Ace walk ino his office, back from another death defying mission. "I had a hunch you might be returning," Bongo says. "Rubber shares went up this morning."

16) Ace Rimmer Part Deux

Episode: Stoke Me a Clipper, Series VII

The Gist: Ace returns to the Dwarfer universe, but it's not the same Ace. It seems that the original Ace died, and was reborn as a hologram. When that hologram was close to death, it found another Rimmer, and passed the legacy of Ace Rimmer: Space Hero onto him. And then him onto him, and so on. Now, this Ace has come for Rimmer, who still hates Ace and can't picture himself as the harbinger of such a destiny.

The dying Ace spends the next few weeks teaching Rimmer how to walk and talk like Ace (which is a sort of cross between John Wayne and Buzz Lightyear.) Then he dies, with Lister being the only one who knows besides Rimmer. To carry on the illusion, Lister tells the Cat and Kryten that it is THEIR Rimmer who died. Then, they place his bee in a small coffin, which they are told to follow. They follow it to a vast open area of space, filled with millions of similar little coffins; millions of heroic Rimmers who died protecting the galaxy. Rimmer finally accepts that he cannot, coward or no, defy that legacy. He dons his Ace wig, glasses, and jumpsuit, and takes the hero's march to Ace's ship. He boards the craft, then tells the crew "Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas!" completely screwing up Ace's signature catchphrase. Then he accidentally sets off the escape button and jetisons himself across the shuttle bay before finally getting in the ship and heading off into the universe, leaving the crew Rimmerless for the remainder of that season.

Memorable Moment: At the beginning o the episode is a scene clearly inspired by James Bond, where Rimmer parachutes into a Nazi prison camp (after escaping an exploding Nazi plane where the evil mastermind attacks him with a trained alligator) and rescues the "Princess Bonjella" on motorbike, but receiving a fatal shot to the chest in the process. he shoots the offending Nazi between the eyes, then exclaims "This is my best top, dammit!"

He speeds off into the sunset, as two Nazi's watch after him.

"Who was that?" one says in German.

"That was Ace Rimmer," the other says. "We're lucky to be alive!" He's then crushed under the weight of the alligator as it crashes to earth. The other Nazi looks down at his crushed friend, then up at Ace as he speeds away. "What a guy..."

15) Tongue Tied

Episode: Parallel Universe, Series II

The Gist: During this episode, there's a lot of exposition about how men treat women as sex objects, and how men are generally brutes with neverending libidos. This all starts with the Cat, who begins the episode watching a dream he had in his dream recorder. Rimmer asks him what his ideal date would be. He replies "Four girls and an industrial-sized tub of banana yogurt."

Memorable Moment: The episode opens with a music video that stars Rimmer, Lister, and the Cat in a song and dance number called "Tongue Tied," which shows off the man behind the teeth Danny Jon Jules as a song and dance man extraordinaire (in a bit of irony Jules toured as a player in Cats for years before getting the role on Red Dwarf.) The number culminates with Lister having to grab himself by the balls to hit the high note.

14) Talk About Toenails

Episode: Psirens, Series VI

The Gist: Lister and the crew are attacked by Psirens, a creature that can change its shape to fool its prey, whilst it sucks their brain out with a straw. The crew fight to stay alive, narrowly avoiding death as the Psiren's trickery grows more and more clever.

At one point, the Psiren turns itself into Kryten's creator, whom he must obey regardless of the order. It forces him to step into the trash compactor. As the beast is about to suck out Lister and the Cat's brains (a mere appetizer, I'm sure) Kryten emerges from the compactor, shaped like a giant Rubic's Cube. "I'm almost annoyed!" he exclaims, then leaps from the railing down onto the Psiren, crushing it to death.

Memorable Moment: Lister awakens from hyper sleep disoriented and suffering from a minor case of amnesia. He looks down and realizes that his finger and toe nails have grown tremendously, and uses a nearby pencil sharpener to rectify the situation. This later comes into play as Kryten tries to help Lister remember himself by playing the guitar (which he can't do worth a damn, but thinks he can.)

Later in the episode, the Psiren disguises itself as Lister. They discover the fake by handing it a guitar. Because Lister thinks he's a guitar God when he is in fact a tone deaf boob, the psiren plays that axe like the very ghost of Hendrix, causing the crew to shoot him without hesitation.

13) The Reverse Brothers

Episode: Backwards, Series III

The Gist: Much of the episode is Kryten and Rimmer wandering around trying to figure out what's going on. At one point, Rimmer realizes that Kryten stands out in the 20th century, and tells him to disguise himself. He resolves this by dressing in a black Celtic cloak and a rubber Ronald Reagan mask. They sit in a coffee shop checking the ads for jobs. Rimmer pontificates "Who is going to want to hire a hologram and an android with a head shaped like a novelty condom?"

Meanwhile, Lister and Cat are patrolling space, looking for their lost friends. Cat tries to talk sense to Lister.

"Face it. They're gone, buddy."

He smiles a fang-toothed grin. "But look on the bright side. They're GOOONE, Buddy!"

Memorable Moment: Rimmer and Kryten make money as a lounge act called the Sensational Reverse Brothers, where they perform menial tasks such as eating a boiled egg or drinking a glass of water forwards, which to the patrons looks as though they're doing it backwards.

Lister and The Cat sit in on the act, only to find that Rimmer and Kryten don't want to leave. Kryten tries to explain why a backwards universe is better.

"War is a wonderful thing here. In fifty years, the second world war will start. Millions of people will come to life! Hitler will retreat across Europe, disband the Third Reich and bugger off back to Germany!"

Rimmer adds "There's no death here. You come to life, you grow younger, then you go back into your mother's belly, who goes back into her mother's belly, and so on until we're all one glorious whole!"

Lister smirks. "Rimmer, you really ARE one glorious hole!"

12) Rimmer is Tortured

Episode: Terrorform, Series V

The Gist: Rimmer becomes trapped on a world where the planet is shaped based on the inner mind of whomever visits it. When the crew finally finds him, he's strapped to a torture stake as two women oil him down so he's more "pliant for the master."

They must choose: rescue their crew mate, or watch him be tortured and eventually eaten. The Cat looks on and says "Anybody got a pair of opera glasses?"

Memorable Moment: The crew realize that it is Rimmer's sense of self-worth and lack of esteem that is keeping their ship stuck in the swamp. They all take part in a group hug an profess their love for him. Out in the marsh, the graves of his former love for himself are seen. The ghosts of his self-image, his bravery, and honor rise from the dead dressed as Musketeers and fight back against the beasts of his darker side. One in particular strikes a fatal blow and says "Take that, self-loathing, may your ugliness rot in hell!"

11) The Riviera Kid

Episode: Gunmen of the Apocalypse, Series VI

The Gist: Kryten's brain becomes infected with a computer virus. Kryten's brain counteracts this by placing the virus in a virtual town of the Old West to give him time to find a solution. Lister, the Cat, and Rimmer steal the characteristics of the characters from their favorite Virtual Reality game and enter Kryten's mind to do battle. Lister is a knife fighter, Rimmer is an expert brawler, and the Cat is The Riviera Kid, gunslinger.

They find that Kryten has become hooked on booze at the local saloon, and has forgotten who he is. They inform him that he's really an android from the future and everything else is an illusion, except for them, who are real, but are actually on a spaceship out in the cosmos wearing virtual reality helmets to see inside his brain. "Hell," he says, "if that's gotta make sense, I don't want to be sober!"

Memorable Moment: During a bar fight, a gunfighter takes a shot at the Cat. The Cat pulls his six shooters and fires, knocking the other gunman's bullets right out of the air.

10) Rimmer's Ordeal

Episode: Rimmerworld, Series VI

The Gist: Rimmer is experiencing stress attacks. He learns that technically, due to a flaw, his hologrammatic form is capable of dying from a heart attack style ailment. Kryten tries to teach him stress relief by giving him a set of Chinese worry balls, two silver orbs he spins together in his hand to relax. Later, while trying to forrage for supplies in the remains of a wrecked simulant ship, Rimmer spots a surviving simulant (evil half human/half mechanoids) and escapes in the only remaining escape pod, only to find that there are no steering controls. he's sucked into a black hole and winds up on a planet devoid of life. Not knowing how long he'll be there before the crew finds him, he uses the terraforming tools in the pod to reform the world into a garden paradise. He then uses the DNA guides in the pod to try and clone a female version of himself, only to create a perfect male duplicate.

Six hundred years later, the Dwarfers finally arrive (though for them it's just been a few hours) and find that Rimmer bred an entire race of Rimmer clones in an altogether Caligula style society trying to make himself a mate, and they took over and locked him in the dungeon.

When Lister meets the Head Rimmer, he looks upon our hero and says "What abomination of normalcy is this? Is this the product of a marriage betweext man and gerbil?"

Memorable Moment: The Crew find Rimmer locked in a dungeon with a wall of etches representing each ear he's been imprisioned. They look down and see that he's been spinning his worry balls for so long that they've eroded down to the size of ball bearings.

9) Kryten's Replacement

Episode: The Last Day, Series III

The Gist: Kryten receives a video in an old mail pod directed towards his owner explaining that he's out of date, and that the new model is being shipped. Kryten begins the process of preparing himself for dismantling, as Lister tries to throw him a death day party, including a Marilyn Monroe android he builds from a novelty kit he bought on Kallisto.

During the party, they all get smashed and start talking about their mothers. "Mum, Kryten says. "I never had a mum."

"I never had a mum neither," adds Holly.

"Well you can have mine," remarks Rimmer. "Everyone else did!"

Lister tries to talk Kryten out of it, who explains that there's no choice, that the new android will demand he be disassembled, and do the job himself if he refuses.

As the new model, Hudson Ten, arrives, the crew make ready to battle for their andriod friend. "Is this the human value you call 'friendship'?" the mechanoid asks.

"Don't give me this Star Trek crap, it's too early in the morning," says Lister.

Memorable Moment: The video includes an ad for the new model Hudson Ten, which shows him display his prowess by taking a brick and smashing it in half with his mechanoid penis.

8) Oswald

Episode: Tikka To Ride, Series VII

The Gist: Due to a shortage of beer and curry, (the only two things Lister's two remaining taste buds can register) Lister replaces Kryten's head with a spare head devoid of a conscience so he can attempt to go back in time to 23rd century earth and buy Indian food. But due to a miscalculation, they wind up in Dallas in 1963, in the Texas Schoolbook Depository. As they materialize, Lister accidentally knocks Lee Harvey Oswald out the window, killing him and altering the future.

By not being assasinated, Kennedy is impeached after his affairs are made public and it is revealed that he was working with a mob boss. This allowed the Russians to park their missile in Cuba, causing a scare that made US citizens abandon coastal cities, and thus NASA was never formed, and hence, they have no ship to go back to. So they must figure out how to go back and fix it all. That night, after finding a dead man in the street, they build a campfire and eat, as they plan out how they're going to fix things and get home. Lister marvels on the quality of the meat Kryten cooked for dinner.

"It's that man we found," the consciousless Kryten states, causing Rimmer, who is a hologram and doesn't eat, to chuckle under his breath.

"I thought, well, humans eat chickens, so obviously they must eat their own kind, otherwise they'd just be picking on the chickens."

Memorable Moment: Lister causes Oswald to fall to his death. They rush to the window and look down.

"Hey," Lister says, "Why are all those people gathering around that giant pizza?"

7) The Love Potion

Episode: Back In The Red Part 2, Series VIII

The Gist: Because of plot twists in series VII, the Red Dwarf is returned to normal operating status, and the entire crew regenerated, including the original Rimmer. Lister, The Cat, Kryten, and Kochanski (whom they reacquired in series VII via a rip between universes) are arrested for crashing the "stolen" Starbug into the hangar bay. Rimmer is bribed into helping them escape so they can prove their innocence, but in the end they are all found guilty (including Rimmer) and are sent to prison within the bowels of the ship.

Memorable Moment: Lister bribes Rimmer into helping him by telling him where in the remains of Star Bug he can find the data files for everyone onboard. Rimmer uses this info to repair the drive plate he failed to repair 3 million years ago, and thus is viewed in a higher light by the Captain. But he also found two vials. These vials are from a previous episode where the crew met the insane hologram of a scientist who'd learned that conditions like luck are actually viruses that come and go through the body. She'd managed to isolate the luck virus and sexual magnetism virus bfore dying, and Lister pocketed them.

Rimmer, having previously had only one sexual encounter (that being Yvonne Mcgruder, the ship female boxing champion) that lasted only ten minutes (and that includes the time it took to eat the pizza), jump at the chance to be considered suave. He drinks a huge gulp of the stuff and instantly, every woman he passes is fawning over him. He goes to dinner with the Captain and finds that every woman at the table is chomping at the bit for her chance, each giving an excuse to drag him into the kitchen and rape him. By the end of dinner, Rimmer is a heaving, exhausted mess. Realizing that he has no self-control, he rushes down to the medical bay and injects his penis with anesthetic. Then to make sure it's working, he clobbers himself a good three or four times in the crotch with a lead mallet.

6) Mr. Flibble

Episode: Quarantine, Series V

The Gist: The Dwarfers find an abandoned research station, and meet the insane hologram of Dr. Landstrom, a scientist who discovered that many of man's most common and fleeting conditions (luck, sexual magnetism, etc) are actually viruses. Before dying, she isolated several of these, then continued her work as a hologram. However, her hologram became infected with a "holovirus" that has given her telekinetic superpowers and rather insane eyes.

The crew grab a few of the virus vials and flee as Dr. Lanstrom blasts at the crew with her hex-vision.

Lister states "Why is it we never meet anyone nice?"

The Cat replies "Why is it we never meet anyone who can shoot straight?"

They make it out just as Dr Landstrom explodes, but not before Rimmer, who is waiting for them on the ship, is infected by Dr. Landstrom via radio ("What's dead and dead and dead again? YOU!") When the crew return, Rimmer quarantines them in a single cell to make sure they aren't contaminated. He watches them from behind a window, and they watch him slowly go insane.

Memorable Moment: Towards the peak of Rimmer's lunacy, he takes to walking about the ship dressed like Pippi Longstockings and talking to a penguin hand-puppet he names Mr. Flibble. He corners the crew at one point, with Mr. Flibble's eyes glowing with the evil power of hex-vision.

Rimmer says "What shall we do to them, Mr. Flibble?"

Mr. Flibble whispers something in Rimmer's ear, causing him to look shocked and appalled.

"Oh no, we couldn't possibly do THAT! Who would clean up the mess?"

5) Kryten's A Human

Episode: DNA, Series IV

The Gist: The crew happen across a strange spaceship devoid of life, save for the corpse of a three-headed crew member that Rimmer and Kryten stumble across as they're searching the ship.

Kryten radios Lister about the corpse. "It fell through Mr. Rimmer as we came through the lift door."

"Is he alright?"

"I think he's just discovered what shirt tails are for."

While searching, Cat and Lister happen across a huge computer-like device. Cat starts pressing buttons at random, and before anyone knows what's going on, Lister is turned into a chicken. Then a hamster.

Rimmer and Kryten catch up, and Kryten imediately surmises that the machine is a DNA reorganizer. As Cat explains what he did to turn Lister into a chicken, Kryten is caught in the beam as well. Cat enters the sequence he coded in reverse, and Lister returns.

"What was it like?" The Cat asks.

"Well you know the size of an egg. You've seen the size of a chicken's bum. All that time clucking, I was trying to say 'For God's sake, give me an epidural!'"

The machine goes off again, and everyone turns to see that the machine has used Kryten's partially organic brain to transfom him into a human.

When Kryten fails to adjust to humanity ("My nipples don't work!") he decides to go back to being a mechanoid. They return to the ship, but before attempting to fix Kryten, they test the machine out on Lister's tin of curry, figuring if they can change beef vindaloo into chicken vindaloo, then it should be no problem. Instead, they turn Lister's curry into a seven-foot tall blood thirsty Indian Curry Monster who proceeds to chase them through the ship.

Lister decides the only way to defeat it is to use the machine to turn himself into a super-human. Holly attempts it, and partially succeeds. Lister transforms into a half man, half android super soldier (using some costume parts from RoboCop no less) but he's only a foot an a half tall.

The creature backs little Super Lister into a corner, and steps in some spilt beer, burning its foot.

"Of course, lager!" Lister says in a sqeaky mouse voice. "The only thing that can kill a vindaloo!" He grabs a can of beer and tosses it into the creature's mouth, then shoots the can of beer, blowing it and the creature to bits.

When the others find him, Lister is lying on the floor in a puddle of Curry Man guts, licking the remains of the creature off his clothes.

"Hey, anyone got a pompadom the size of Lake Michigan? This stuff's really good!"

Memorable Moment: Kryten's in medlab, trying to figure out how his new body works. He hands Lister two polaroids. Lister looks at them, and can't figure out what they are, until he stacks one on top of the other.

"Is that normal?" Kryten asks.

"What, taking a picture of it and showin' it to your mates? No, it's not!" Lister replies.

"Now why do you suppose that happened?" asks Kryten.

"Well, what were you thining about at the time?"

"Nothing, I was just flipping through the vacuum cleaner section of a catalogue, and all of a sudden my underpants elastic was catapulted across the medical bay!"

"Y'see man?" Lister says, "you're neither one thing or the other. No picture of vacuum cleaner should ever give a human being a double-polaroid!"

4) Duane Dibbley

Episode: Back To Reality, Series V

The Gist: While exploring an ocean planet, the crew are attacked by a creature called the Despair Squid, whose ink causes its prey to hallucinate the most depressing, hopeless situation possible until it commits suicide, making for an easy meal.

Lister weighs their options. "It thinks we're either a threat, food or a mate - it's gonna either kill us, eat us or hump us."

The ship seems to explode when it crashes into an underwater embankment. The crew awaken and find themselves in a holosuite. Apparently, the last several years have all been computer-generated fantasy. Lister is really a rich Megalomaniac, Rimmer is really his bum loser half brother, Kryten is a half human officer in the cybernetics division of the police force (which he later learns are simply in charge of traffic control) and the Cat is a geek.

They wander through town learning more and more about how they're all the kind of people they most despise. Eventually, after being involved in an apparent car chase (which we see as taking place in the cargo bay of the Star Bug, with the crew sitting on boxes an reacting to a car chase only they can see) they decide to commit group suicide, only to have Holly save them and bring them back to reality at the last second.

Memorable Moment: The Cat discovers that he's a sandal wearing, thermos carrying, Beatles haircutted, four-eyed mega spaz. He finds his wallet in his belongings, and discovers his real name: Duane Dibbley, the Duke of Dork.

Says the Cat: "So this is really me?" he asks. "A no-style gimbo with teeth the druids could use as a place of worship?"

3) Justice World

Episode: Justice, Series IV

The Gist: As the episode opens, Lister is suffering from the space mumps, a horrible ailment that causes the head of the inflicted to swell to gargantuan size.

"Look at me," he says. "I look like something that flew out of a whale's nose."

They happen across a stasis pod that supposedly contains a crewman of a destroyed star cruiser. The crew member's name is Barbara Bellini. The Cat wants the pod opened immediately, but Rimmer does some research and discovers the cruiser was a penal ship carrying half-crazed simulants to a prison space station. So they have no way of knowing where Barbara's really in there, or if it's a bloodthirsty half android bent on chaos and destruction.

In the end, they decide that the chance of getting laid is worth the risk, so they take the pod to its destination, a prison station called Justice World, where it can be safely opened.

But to enter Justice World, they each must be scanned by a beam that can detect any wrong doing in their past. hey all clear, except fo Rimmer, which the computer finds guilty of 1100 counts of second degree murder, one for each crew member who died on the Red Dwarf when he failed to repair the drive plate. Rimmer is carted off to prison while the crew try to firgure out how to free him.

Memorable Moment: They visit Rimmer in prison, who explains that the entire facility is covered by something called a "justice field," which causes any crime commited to instead occur to the perpetrator. He dares Lister to try it out by setting fire to his bed sheets. Lister gladly obliges, only to see the back of hi jacket catch on fire.

later, they decide to appeal the decision by proving that Rimmer is an idiot and was so low-ranked on the ship that he couldn't be held responsible, that his own arrogance and trumped-up sense of self-importance causes him to blame himself. Kryten calls Lister to the stand.

"Name."

"Dave Lister."

"Occupation."

"Uh, bum."

"Would you call the defendant a friend?"

The Cat leans over and says "Take the fifth!"

2) The Canaries

Episode: Pete Part II, Series VIII

The Gist: The crew are in prison, and wont for things to do. In an episode entitled "Cassandra," following Holly's advice, Lister signs them all up for a special group called "The Canaries," which he thinks is the prison choir, and which gives them special perks. Unfortunately, he finds out that the Canaries are in fact a convict army platoon that are named after the old Earth practice of sending a canary into potentially dangerous areas to deem if it's safe for humans.

Meanwhile, Kryten has to live in the women's quarters because he doesn't have a penis. So he builds himself one and names it Archie. While on a mision to an abandoned base where the find a device called a "time wand" that allows them to manipulate time, Archie escapes from Kryten and somehow finds his way into The Cat's jumpsuit, causing a parody of Alien to transpire and eliciting from Kryten the greatest line ever spoken on television. "Pardon me sirs, my penis is running amok!"

Elsewhere, the prisoners are playing against the warders in a game of basketball. Lister cheats by spiking the warder's drinks with "Boing," a fertility drug. They all sprout boners, and are so embarrassed that they run up and down the court bent over covering their erections as Cat and the rest of the crew score all over them.

For this, The Captain sentences them to peeling potatoes. Lister again tries to find a short cut by stealing a virus that eats potato skins from the research lab. Unfortunately, it also eats anything else it can find, and proceeds to eat off Lister and Rimmer's hair, clothes, and body hair. They report to Hollister, who immediately begins to lose his hair, and sentences them to the Hole.

While in the Hole, they meet an old man they call Bird Man, because of his pet birdie, Pete. They use the Tme Wand to escape, and are sitting in the cargo bay enjoying a nice meal, when Pete suddenly dies. Knowing Bird Man will be totally distraught over his lost pet, Kryten attempts to resurrect the bird using the Time Wand, but instead de-evolves it into a Tyranasaurus Rex, who proceeds to go on a rampage through the cargo bay.

Memorable Moment: The crew begin backing up, watching the T-Rex for any hostile movements (besides the fact that it just ate Bird Man.)

"What do we do now?" asks Lister.

Rimmer glances up at the beast with a grim look of determination. "Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur!" he bellows, then runs for his life.

1) Pimp Kryten

Episode: Krytie TV, Series VIII

The Gist: One of the other inmates, a psycopathic murderer named Kill Crazy, learns that Kryten has access to the women's shower facilities, and is in fact forced to shower with them every day because he's been classified as a female due to his lack of penis. Kill Crazy suggests he use his optical recorders to film the ladies showering and then let everyone else watch it on movie night. Kryten refuses.

Lister brings he idea back up later, and Rimmer balks at it, because he's opened an appeal for leniancy based on their good behavior and doesn't want it jeopardized, even to see the women nude.

"Alright," says Holly, "Who are you, and what have you done with OUR Rimmer?"

Later on, Kill Crazy and his cronies mug Kryten and remove his conscience chip. He immediately starts filming the women in the shower, and broadcasting it during movie night under the name "Krytie TV." With no concience, this power goes to his head. He begins charging for tickets and selling refreshments. Before long, he's stalking about in a new set of solid gold plateware.

Meanwhile, he tricks Lister into thinking that Kochanski is going out on a date with Warden Auckerman. He sneaks into Auckerman's quarters and attempts to make his appartment as unattractive as possible by leaving fetish art, replacing his classical music with Christian Rock CD's, and cutting off his own pubes and smearing them all over Auckerman's bed sheets and soap.

He exits the room, only to find out that Kryten is braodcasting the whole thing on Krytie TV, and he has scant moments to fix all the damage before Auckerman returns with his REAL date.

Memorable Moment: Lister steals some provisions he plans to give to Kochanski as his apology for watching her in the nude, namely two packs of baking flour.

"You're going to give her two bags of flour? How pathetic." Rimmer says.

Lister looks up at him, and sets one bag on the table. "Flour," he says, then sets the other bag on the table. "Flour," he says again. He pushes them together. "Flours."

So there ya have it. Have you ever heard tell of a show like this? Even what I've shared here doesn't even begin to do Red Dwarf justice. You just have to see it for youself. Now. RIGHT NOW. What are you waiting for, Smeghead? Go!

No, wait, don't go yet! I got to thinking about it and decided I'd throw one more little anecdote in for old time's sake.

You see, I'm the undisputed king of Red Dwarf trivia in the city of Chattanooga, Tn. :)

Every year, PBS stations hold telethons to raise mney to buy the programs they air. On year, a huge chunk of this concerned the "Britcoms." They were holding a Red Dwarf trivia contest via phone.

I answered every question throughout the entire telethon.

The host eventually went live on the air (I have all of his on VHS, by the way) and said "Mike. We get it. You know more about Red Dwarf than anyone. Please, STOP CALLING!"

A few hours later, they posed a question no one else seemed to know the answer to. The guy got back on the air and said "Uh... Mike, if you're still out there, we could use some help with this one. No hard feelings? Please call and give us the answer so we can end this segment!"

So I called and gave him the answer live on the air.

"Mike," he said, "You are a champion amongst champions."

I won a year's free membership in the Red Dwarf Fan Club for that one.

A year later, they held another telethon, this time no Trivia Contest though. Regardless, I called in and pledged 25 bucks. The host recognized my name and went live on the air.

"Folks, guess what? Mike Capley just called. Yes, the young man who defeated every caller on every Red Dwarf trivia question from last year has again pledged his support for WTCI, Channel 45. What a guy!"

Yes. I am a supreme Dibbley.