When Disney And Sci-fi Don't Mix
Posted by 7th on February 09, 2005

It was during a period around the Second World War that Walt Disney decided something drastic had to be done if his animation studio was to stay alive. Many of his animators were fighting in the war, and the government had taken over his studio to produce animated war propaganda and training films. Disney needed a cheap, easy-to-produce product to pull in money, and he needed it fast.

His answer was in England. Disney and his brother Roy flew over to the jolly old UK, and set up a makeshift studio there, then quickly started signing experienced but low cost British actors to play in an ultra low budget affair that would eventually become Disney’s Treasure Island, the studio’s first major live action production.

As time went on, and the world recovered from the War, so did Walt Disney Studios. Realizing that he could make a live action film just as well as the bigger companies, Walt expanded his vision for family entertainment, and began producing live action films and animated features alongside one another. And with these films came new techniques, and a new way of thinking about what could be done with film and the narrative format. These new ideas eventually were utilized by the Studios R&D team to produce Disneyland, the world’s first theme park, and the first true life attraction to be designed based on filmmaking concepts, everything from story flow to forced perspective techniques.

Most of Disney’s “golden age” films were either family friendly adventure films like Treasure Island, musical extravaganzas like the masterful Mary Poppins, true-life adventure documentaries like The Living Desert, or slapstick comedies. Through it all, Walt’s head (as always) was planted firmly in the clouds, but it was his love for the sea that would eventually draw the studio into the genre of sci-fi.

Naturally, I am referring to 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, one of the greatest classic sci-fi adventure films ever made, a film whose artistry and special effects techniques are still revered and marveled over by modern day filmmakers.

20,000 Leagues Under The Sea came along at a time when most sci-fi films were considered pedantic kiddy fare, silly weekly serials like Flash Gordon, Buck Rogers, and the like, or ultra low budget flying saucer space operas where the visible strings were thicker than Converse shoe laces and every costume was made from tin foil and saran wrap. Leagues was better made, had a legendary cast of A-list actors, was based on one of Walt’s favorite books, and exhibited something Hollywood had barely dreamed of at that point: realistic special effects.

I only wish I could say that all of Disney’s sci-fi efforts had been so successful. Especially as the company moved through the late sixties and into the seventies, they all seemed to become lost without Walt’s influence. Projects that had promise but were clearly not meant for Disney were nonetheless put into production to expand their audience base. While some have been, if nothing else, financially successful, others yet have met with both financial and critical failure, and it’s easy to see why when you look at the list of paltry films below, the top ten worst Disney Sci-Fi flicks.

10) The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes (1969)

Many to this day do not realize that the inspiration for Solid Snake himself, Curt Russell, began his career as a Disney stock actor, starting with the childhood role of a young boy scout in the Fred McMurray comedy “Follow Me Boys!” and ending in 1981 with his voice work on “The Fox And The Hound.” In the middle were numerous teen comedies, this being the dumbest of the lot.

Russell plays Dexter, class president of Medfield College. A college that, at the cusp of the modern age, still has no computer for its technology program. So rich benefactor A.J. Arno (played with aplomb by Cesar Romero) donates a super computer.

One afternoon, Dexter is in the laboratory (don’t START WITH ME!) making repairs to the computer when it’s struck by lightning, transferring all of the machine’s data into Dexter’s brain, including the fact that Arno has been running some illegal gambling operations on the side.

Instantly transformed into a genius, Dexter is quickly thrown on the local college Jeopardy style game show, where it is discovered that saying the word “applejack” causes Dexter to start spewing info about Arno’s shady dealings live on TV. Arno kidnaps Dexter, leaving it up to Dee Dee and the Power Puff Girls to rescue him (THERE, I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY!)

9) The Cat From Outer Space (1978)

This Sandy Duncan-starring piece of shit (which also starred both the colonels from M.A.S.H.) was sort of a prequel in spirit to last year’s ultra-weird alien dogs family film Good Boy!

A feline alien named Jake crash lands on Earth, and quickly finds himself being pursued by the government. He befriends a scientist (Ken Berry) and his mathematician sweetie (Duncan) who leave on a scavenger hunt of sorts to find the parts needed to fix Jake’s ship before the evil army general can find him, or his fellow space kitties leave him for dead.

Yeah. Read the plot again. Now, swap the cat for a shoe-horn headed midget alien and the scientist for a young Henry Thomas and what you have is E.T. The Extra Terrestrial, released just four years later. Yeah, even Disney’s SHITTY movies get aped now and then. After all, would there have been an Agent Smith had there never been a Master Control Program?

8) The Unidentified Flying Oddball (1979)

Okay. Take Mark Twain’s “A Connecticut Yankee In King Arthur’s Court.” Replace said Yankee with a scientist, his bumbling android twin, and a space shuttle that flies faster than the speed of light. Now give the dual-starring role to Dennis Dugan. Right, the wise-cracking sidekick from The Rockford Files, whose most recent big screen endeavors were as a non-credited referee in “Saving Silverman” and as the Reluctant Trick-or-Treat Giver in Adam Sandler’s film “Big Daddy.” Yeah, that guy. Now, club the director like a baby seal and hire the dorky kid next door whose rocket kits are constantly crash landing in your backyard as the head of special effects. There, now you don’t NEED to watch it. Lucky you.

7) The Black Hole (1979)

This movie has a huge cult following. And considering how incredibly dark it is, with possibly the most horrific ending for a movie villain in its day (it doesn’t get much worse than being trapped alone in Space Hell), I’m amazed Disney was willing to put their name on it. I’m also amazed that a movie released two years AFTER Star Wars (and with a bigger budget no less) still ended up looking like a film made in 1962. I attribute this to the fact that Lucas was a new kid on the scene with new ideas, and The Black Hole’s production staff (from the actors to the sound crew) were 100% old school.

The plot was dark, the look was grainy, the colors (short of the famous asteroid scene) were washed out, the score by James Bond composer John Barry seemed phoned in, and worst of all, the entire script was nothing more than 20,000 Leagues Into Space, with a bit of gothic horror thrown into the mix (Hill House-style gothic horror, not Typical Shopper At Hot Topic–style gothic horror.)

The movie’s only saving grace was V.I.N.CENT, the sharp-shooting, flying toilet-shaped robot voiced by Roddy McDowell who was part C-3PO, part Marvin The Paranoid Android, and all what I want for Christmas next year.

6) Escape To Witch Mountain (1975)

I loved this movie when I was a kid, but upon recent reviewing, I can’t think of a reason why. Tia and Tony are two kids with psychic powers who are lured into danger by an evil millionaire who wants to use their powers for…well…evil. But you see, these aren’t really just kids with psychic powers. They’re ALIEN kids with psychic powers, who’ve just been suffering from amnesia… ALL THEIR LIVES. The film has that “made-for-tv” look that so many of Disney’s films from this era had. There are noticeable wire effects everywhere to an almost ridiculously Ed Woodian degree, and the acting is just downright depressing.

But I will say this. The climax included a flying Winnebago a full 12 years before Mel Brooks made it cool.

5) Return From Witch Mountain (1978)

A strong cult following ensured that a shitty movie deserved a second helping. Tia and Tony’s Uncle Bene (I’ve always wondered if his last name was Gesseritt) allows the dynamic duo to take their vacation on Earth. But Tony immediately runs afoul of Christopher Lee’s evil Dr. Gannon, and finds himself the victim of a mind control device.
Tia in turn hooks up with a bunch of inner city hoodlums and plans a rescue before Gannon uses Tony’s mind control powers to steal the Tri-Force.

What can I say? Even Bette Davis’s turn as Dr. Gannon’s evil assistant isn’t enough to save this pitiful movie. And every time I see Tony, I get him confused with Davy Jones.

4) Mission To Mars (2000)

It’s long been assumed that he Country Bears was Disney’s first try at turning a theme park attraction into a movie. WRONG! It was 2000’s Mission to Mars, the name of a now defunct “space Adventure” in Tomorrowland that is the new home of Stitch’s Great Escape.

This movie is overly long, and unnecessarily elaborate. It’s what 2001 would’ve been had Spielberg directed it.

Long story short, the first manned mission to Mars goes bad when the team investigates the infamous “Martian face” and get turned into foiled jello by an artificially intelligent space twister.

Lt. Dan leads a rescue team to save them, and ends up discovering the origins of mankind instead. There are no monkey men or bones that turn into space ships, but Sinise’s constant drab expression does invoke thoughts of a featureless black slab.

It is impossible to watch this movie and not see how derivative it is where 2001 is concerned. Had Kubrick not been busy filming Nicole Kidman pretending to enjoy sex with Tom Cruise, he might’ve noticed and sued. But now he’s worm food, the sets are in EPCOT’s Mission: Space as though the film had actual historical significance, and Gary Sinise has his rubber-gloved thumb up the butt of a dead New York hooker every week.

The only thing I hate more abot this movie than its very existence is the box cover art, which features Tim Robbins reaching out like he's trying to reach out and grab Susan Sarandon's deflated breast without vomiting.

3) Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend (1985)

First of all, that’s the most convoluted title ever. It’s like saying Mystery of the Veiled Enigma. Secondly, animatronic versions of Little Foot that move less realistically than my old Zoids toys are NOT COOL.

This movie is basically Scooby Doo and The Mystery Of The Loch Ness Monster in the Amazon. Scientists find a living race of brontosauruses living in the jungles of Africa. Meanwhile, evil rich people want them for their own. Drama ensues. The effects are all mechanical, having been made some eight years before Jurassic Park made real-looking dinosaurs seem passé. The movie is loosely based on the legend of a race of still living dinosaurs supposedly alive and thriving in the Amazon. I believe this whole-heartedly. Living in Florida as I do, I know firsthand that a tropical climate can help ancient creatures survive far longer than they should.

2) Armageddon (1998)

Just the fact that this film helped propel Ben Affleck’s career beyond that of a bit player is reason enough to hate this film. Add to that Michael Bay’s bombastic direction, Jerry Bruckheimer’s compulsion to leave no set intact, and Trevor Ravbin’s “EVERY MOMENT IS THE MOST EMOTIONALLY GRIPPING EVARR!” soundtrack make for one of the cheesiest, stupid and utterly forgettable sci-fi films ever made. Not to mention that their plot had already been handled adequately by Paramount’s Deep Impact just two months before.

Still, if you can manage to turn off your brain, it can be a fun ride. Steve Buscemi’s character is the best part of the whole film. For the rest of my life, whenever I look up into the night sky, I’ll think of Buscemi straddling that nuclear payload, facing almost certain death, and chanting “No Nukes! No Nukes! No Nukes!”

1) Flight of The Navigator (1986)

After Spielberg turned Jesus into a cute alien (according to Focus On The Family) with ET, movies about kids in space and other sci-fi situations started popping up everywhere. Spacecamp, Mac and Me, D.A.R.Y.L., the list goes on and on. My personal favorite of the bunch is 1985’s Explorers, a tongue-in-cheek sci-fi comedy that launched the careers of Ethan Hawke and the late River Phoenix.

But a similar film released a year later is, sadly, more well-known. Flight of the Navigator is neither as funny as Explorers, nor as endearing. Young and popular 80’s child actor Joey Cramer is a young boy who takes a bump on the head while playing in the woods, wakes up, goes home, and finds that 8 years have gone by and his family doesn’t live in his house anymore. His little brother is now an adult, his mom and dad are old codgers, and as it turns out, he’d spent those years gallivanting across the universe in a suppository-shaped spaceship piloted by a robotic glowing bowling ball mounted to a dentist’s spotlight and voiced by Paul Reubens, adhering to a little known by-law of 80’s films:

"All wacky faceless aliens and/or monsters must sound either like Pee-Wee Herman or Bobcat Goldthwaite."

Once you get past the melodrama and get into the usual “alien teaches boy to trust himself” and stock footage flights over the pond-laden deserts of Arizona, you realize you’ve seen it in one movie or another before. Hell, the phrase “phone home” is even used less than an hour into the flick. The empty, fiberglass husk of the ship still bakes in the Florida sun as an object of brief, fleeting curiosity on the Disney/MGM backlot tour, not unlike the new DVD release of the movie itself sits unpurchased in the back corner of my local Wal-mart’s electronics department.

As you can see, not all of Disney’s forays into sci-fi have turned out a 20,000 Leagues or a Tron. They hit sci-fi comedy gold in 2001 with Lilo and Stitch, but then cancelled it out again with Treasure Planet in 2002 (though it was still leagues better than Don Bluth’s 2000 stink-o-rama Titan AE. ) And now, Disney is set to release the first in a series of films based on one of my all time favorite book series, the Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy. The previews have looked good so far, but then again, so did the previews for Armageddon, and I doubt you can look back on that particular viewing without flinching. We shall see.

-=7th=-