The 7th Rewind: February 13th- 19th
Posted by Anzie Corgan on February 20, 2005
Navi: Anzie wake up!
Anzie: . . .
Navi: Anzie you need to wake up we’ve got work to do!
Anzie: . . . but I don’t want to ride the pony.
Navi: Anzie wake up you’ve got the 7th rewind to do!
Anzie: Huh? How long have I been sleeping?
Navi: You slept through the whole week and your article is due today!
Anzie: HOLY SHIT! What happened this week?
Navi: How am I supposed to know, I’m just a fairy! Go see the wise Deku Tree and maybe he’ll tell you.
*Cue Kokiri Village Music*
Anzie: Oh wise Deku Tree please tell me what happened this week.
Deku Tree: Why sure my son. This week- oh, I don’t feel so well. Well anyway this week Bill Cosby- *dies*
Anzie: What? Bill Cosby, what? What happened? Mr. Deku Tree?
Navi: He’s dead Anzie.
Anzie: Dead? Dammit I need to know what happened this week!
Deku Sprout: Hello, I’m the Deku Sprout, I serve no purpose but to annoy toy. Aren’t I cute?
Anzie: Deku Sprout, do you know what happened this week?
Deku Sprout: Hello, I’m the Deku Sprout, I serve no purpose but to annoy toy. Aren’t I cute?
Anzie:Ugh! Fucking adventure games! Look what should I do now?
Navi: Why don’t you just make it up? We know Bill Cosby was in the news this week so why not make up a story about him?
Anzie:What am I supposed to do put him in every story?
Navi: Hey I’m just an annoying fairy that appears if you press the C Buttons so don’t ask me.
Anzie: Fine!
The 7th Rewind: February 13th- 19th
Anzie: Okay, now where do I start?
Booming Voice: THE GRAMMYS
Anzie: The Grammys were this week?! Shit! Well okay so . . . this week at the Grammys, America’s most talented musicians were awarded . . . that’s all I got!
Navi: Google it!
Anzie: Duh!
*Googles “Grammys”*
Anzie: Oh okay, so this week Jennifer Lopez and Mark Anthony performed at the Grammys and–
Navi: Make sure to post a screen cap.
Anzie: Will you shut the fuck up!
Navi: Sorry.
Anzie: Anyway, it seems that-
*Cumputer Freezes*
Anzie: What? Wait! Fucking Dell piece of shit froze on me! Mother fucker! . . . well . . . it seems that Bill Cosby won best soloist for his song . . . Jello Pudding.
Navi: You really suck at making things up, you know that?
Anzie: Okay fine, forget about the Grammys what’s next?
Booming Voice: BLACK HISTORY MONTH
Anzie: Oh yeah! Okay this week we’re honoring George Washington Carver. BRING IN THE FORTH GRADER!
*Enter john from Mrs. Privits’s 4th Grade Class*
John: George Washington Carver was a great born a slave in 1864 1863 1864 and was raised by his owners, Moses and Susan Carver. George Washington Carver went on to become a great scientist, inventor and teacher.
Anzie: . . . That’s it? There’s more right?
John: No, teacher told me that’s all I had to write.
Anzie: That’s not enough! This is Black History Month for God’s sake! Write more dammit!
John: But I . . . *cries*
Anzie: Oh don’t cry! Come on, here have a tissue and go sit down over there okay? Can we get another kid in here please?
*Enter Julia from Mrs. Privits’s 4th Grade Class*
Julia: -Even as a young boy, George Washington Carver showed great desire to learn and had a special interests in plants. George Washington Carver left home to attend school when he was twelve years old. Thank You.
Anzie: . . . Not again! What are you stupid? You wrote two whole sentences!
Julia: *cries*
Anzie: Sorry, I’m sorry here have a tissue and go join John over there okay?
Julia: I want my mommy!
Anzie: Can we get her mother in here please!
*Enter Julia’s Mother*
Julia’s Mother: How dare you insult my child!
Anzie: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for this to happen, it’s just that this article needs to go up in a few hours.
Julia’s Mother: I don’t care what cruel acts your committing just leave my child out of it you evil man!
Anzie: I’m terribly sorry I really am.
Julia’s Mother: You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!
*exit Julia’s Mother with Julia*
Anzie: Okay, let’s just forget about Black History Month. What’s next?
Navi:
Anzie: What the hell is that?
Navi: This is the screen cap you forgot to include.
Anzie: The screen cap? I told you I didn’t want one.
Navi: Yes you did.
Anzie: No I didn’t!
Navi: You specifically said, “will you shut the fuck up!” You didn’t say anything about not getting a screen cap. I’m just trying to be helpful.
Anzie: Well stop it, okay!
Navi: Fine I’ll just disappear in a circular motion as always.
Anzie: good, stay that way . . . now what’s next?
Booming Voice: BILL COSBY
Anzie: What about him?
. . .
Anzie: What about Bill Cosby?
. . .
Anzie: What the hell happened to Bill Cosby, dammit?!
Booming Voice: LOBSTER
Anzie: What?
Booming Voice: PLEASE PRESENT COUPON TO SERVER.
Anzie: What is going on?
Booming Voice: IT’S THE BEST TIME OF YEAR TO EAT LOBSER!
Anzie: This is a joke right?
Booming Voice: EVERYTHING IS ON SALE!
Anzie: . . .
Booming Voice: WHEN IT COMES TO BUSINESS, DELL DELIVERS.
Navi: I think it’s broken.
Anzie: You think?
Navi: Darn it, and that’s the only booming voice we had…what a shame.
Booming Voice: 0% APR FINANCING!
Anzie: Shut it off will ya!
Booming Voice: HOT XXX PORN! LESBIANS AND GIRLS SUCKING-
Navi: Okay, it’s off.
Anzie: Well I give up.
*Enter the Lawyer of Julia’s mother*
Lawyer: Hello I represent Julia’s mother who appeared earlier in this article.
Anzie: Oh, hello?
Lawyer: My client claims that you verbally harassed her and her daughter.
Anzie: What? I didn’t do anything of the sort.
Lawyer: I am here to present you with a court order.
Anzie: Court order?
*exit Julia’s Mother’s Lawyer*
Anzie: 2.3 Million dollars?! I can’t afford this!
Navi: Oh, and don’t forget we’re going to have to pay for the Booming Voice. We’re renting it remember?
Anzie: My college fund couldn’t even pay for this. What am I gonna do?
Navi: Well I know one thing that we could do.
Anzie: What’s that?
Navi:Look just trust me, I’ll be right back I just have to send a few emails.
Anzie: This better be good!
. . .
Navi: Okay we’re set!
Anzie: What did you do?
Navi: I sold two thirds of your article for advertisement space!
Anzie:
What?!
Navi: Hey it’s the only way we can pay
for it.
Anzie: Dammit Navi!
I’m never going to be able to finish my
article
!
Navi: Sorry about that.
Maybe next week.
Anzie: Anyway
this concludes this week’s
7TH Rewind! Feel free to
visit our
or email me at
. I promise next
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