"It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!" Revisited
Posted by SugarRay on October 06, 2005

Few things in this life give me greater pleasure than sitting up until three in the morning watching old cartoons. Thanks to the miracle that is Complete Season DVD sets, I do this pretty much every night. With Halloween coming up on us, I thought it would be appropriate to watch my copy of "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!" and write a few thoughts.

Over the course of the less than half an hour of classic cartoon greatness, I found myself asking the same two questions over and over.

a) What kind of neighborhood do these kids live in?

and 2) Why doesn't anybody punch Lucy right in the frickin' throat?!

A third question would be "How come I never asked these questions before during any of the ten thousand times I've seen this thing?" But that one came to me while I was writing the last sentence, so it doesn't really count.

It starts out simple enough. It's autumn, obviously, and Linus and Lucy are out for an evening stroll. How cute. Linus takes ONE bite out of the world's heaviest apple, tosses it in the trash and it smacks the bottom with a deafening THUD! Must have been a worm in it or something.

There are starving people in China, young man!

This is where the questions of beating Lucy start. They get to the pumpkin patch, Linus picks up two pretty decent pumpkins, and Lucy just looks at him like "I want to BIGGEST pumpkin, you retard! Can't you do anything right? First you burnt my toast, and now this! Hurry up, I've got fondu on the stove!"

Bitch!

Then she doesn't even help him with the damn thing, as it clearly weighs three times as much as he does. When he gets the right idea by rolling the thing, he loses control. How, I couldn't tell you. But the point it that he puts his own ass on the line so the thing doesn't hurt his sister. There's a brotherly act if I ever saw one.

What are you doing down there besides saving my worthless ass from being run over by a gigantic runaway pumpkin? Get in the house, slime!

Moving on. As much as I like Charlie Brown, I have to admit that he kind of got what he deserved in the next scene. First of all, when Snoopy displays that he is an amazing freakin' showdog by blowing a leaf all the way across the yard and on top of a five foot high pile-o-leaves, instead of saying "Holy crap, we need to get you an agent!" he just says "Thanks, old pal."

Charlie Brown is oblivious to all the dough Snoopy could be making on late night variety shows and in the circus. I guess he thinks all the money is still in them diving horses.

Then Lucy asks Charlie Brown to kick the football, which makes no sense because ol' CB is a little too chunky to be a kicker. He would probably be better at the full back position. Charlie Brown goes off for like thirty seconds about how Lucy always tricks him and make him look stupid. He KNOWS what's going to happen, but he still lets Lucy use her lawyer tricks to get him to do it anyway! You deserve to land flat on your back and kill yourself, you moron!

Don't trust women. That's an important lesson you should learn someday, Charlie Brown.

In the next scene Linus is writing his letter to the Great Pumpkin. This is where I start asking the question "What of kind neighborhood is this?" I counted four nosy kids and a dog come into his house, walk right up behind him and read what he's writing. I thought only John Ashcroft was allowed to do that! When I was a kid, you didn't just walk through other people's houses, get up in your friend's business and then belittle him unless you wanted to get kidney punched.

My dog usually does this, too, when I'm writing something about my radical conservative Christian beliefs. He's not the only one, either...

Despite being outwardly steadfast, Linus obviously had his doubts.

Enter Sally, who is already gushing and melting all over Linus. Usually Linus is trying to get Sally away from him, but after being dumped on by all his friends, he needs a little ego boost. Then he uses the best pick up line I have ever heard in my entire life:

"Wouldn't you like to sit with me in the pumpkin patch on Halloween Night and wait for the Great Pumpkin?"

AND IT WORKED!

"Oh, I'd love to Linus!"

But then Charlie Brown comes back.

Charlie Brown, Champion Player Hater.

Some friend!

So then he's off the mail the letter that everybody except the Great Pumpkin has read. Lucy, still oblivious to the fact that Linus saved her from being pumpkin-squished, just has to tag along and say unnecessary mean things.

"You can't possibly reach the mailbox, and I'M not gonna help ya!"

Really?

"I don't NEED your help, you loud mouthed hag! Make your own toast from now on!" is basically what Linus said here.

This was the only point in the show where I felt Lucy got what she deserved, shy of being thrown into a brick wall. It doesn't take her to rebound by crushing one of Charlie Brown's few fleeting moments of happiness.

Happiness is short lived, Charlie Brown!

The piano music plays as the Halloween night scenes unfold. When I heard the music I realized that whoever composed the score for Chrono Cross was inspired by Vince Guaraldi, because these soundtracks sound very similar. I don't know if that means anything to anybody, but I threw it in there for those of you who know what I'm talking about.

This is where more questions of what kind of neighborhood these kids live in pop up. Check this out:

That dumb bitch Lucy gets like tons of candy, asks for an extra piece for Linus, then complains about it like it was some kind of big hassle.

First of all, Lucy, shut up! You didn't have to ask for an extra piece of candy when that lady just gave you all kinds of good stuff. When my brothers and sisters and I went trick or treating our neighbors only gave us ONE piece of candy! If all your neighbors give you that much candy, you'll have one or two extra rolls of baby fat before Thanksgiving! So, again, shut up!

But then look at what the same people who give out all kinds of goodies to the others kids give Charlie Brown:

A frickin' rock! WTF, man?! What kind of sick, twisted adults give a kid who is already balding and that nobody likes (and yet somehow gets picked to be starting pitcher every season) a bag full of rocks? One creepy old guy with a glass eye who smells like vodka and orange juice I can understand, but the whole neighborhood gave this kid rocks! Again, what kind of place is this?! And why doesn't Charlie Brown use his pitching skills and toss the rocks back up at their sick, twisted foreheads?!

Now we find out that Snoopy is having flashbacks from World War I, or is high on PCP.

Snoopy apparently has more combat experience than George W. Bush or John Kerry.

I'll get you someday, Jebus!

After crashing, Snoopy follows this sign to get to the Halloween party:

French?! They must be in Canada...

... that would explain the odd behavior of the townsfolk. So anyway, Snoopy crashes the party and starts having piano related mood swings.

Happy

Sad

Happy

Sad
... it's gotta be the PCP!

He crawls away bawling and figures the best way to sober up would be to go mess with Linus and Sally in the Pumpkin Patch.

Linus, honey, don't strangle yourself!! It's not worth it!!

It's the Great Pumpkin! Omigosh! I need some paper towels here!

I missed tricks-or-treats AND let you feel me up for THIS? You ripped me off! I'm going home, you jerk! I never want to speak to you again!

... call me!

Poor Linus. Poor, poor Linus. At least he got a handful before she stormed off.

Holy Crap!... How long has that clock been there?

Okay, I gotta ask again: What kind of place is this where parents go to bed and let their son sleep out in a pumpkin patch until his sister goes and fetches him at four in the morning and there are NO NEWS CREWS PRESENT? Honestly, you can't lock your stupid baby and your keys in the car on accident without getting charged for criminal negligence and it being a major news story for like three days. Linus was freezing to death! That's gotta be at least attempted manslaughter or something.

And then that's the end. This cartoon still holds its own against other Halloween specials. It's certainly better than the last six or seven Simpsons' Tree House of Horrors.

As for Lucy, I hope she gets smacked in the face with a paper bag full of rocks by a masked, bald assailant. You're a good man, Charlie Brown!