The 80s And Asians: A Goof-Up In Ignorance
Posted by Greg on November 08, 2005
HELLO, I'M RICHARD TROUT. THIS IS A CBS NEWSBREAK AND MY TIE OPENS A PORTAL TO A MAGICAL WORKSHOP WHERE SQUARES BUILD CIRCLES. HERE ARE YOU HEADLINES FOR TODAY.
GALLAUDET UNIVERSITY, THE FIRST COLLEGE MADE FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE DEAF AND DUMB, WAS THE HOME OF A RIOT TODAY WHEN STUDENTS PROTESTED THE ELECTION OF A SCHOOL PRESIDENT WITH THE ABILITY TO HEAR. NOT LONG AFTER, THE PRESIDENT RESIGNED AND WAS REPLACED WITH I. KING JORDAN, AKA KING ABDULLAH THE FIRST.
BUT THE PROTESTS REFUSE TO END THERE AND THE STUDENTS HAVE GONE ON A COUNTRY WIDE QUEST TO MAKE SURE THAT EVERY JUDGE HAS HIS EYES POKED OUT AND EVERY CHAIRMAN IS CRIPPLED AN PUT INTO A WHEELCHAIR.
IN SEMI-RELATED NEWS: INTERNET AUTHOR GREG FROM THE 7TH LEVEL HAS COME TO US FROM THE YEAR 2005 IN SEARCH OF "RARE SPECIMENS". WHEN ASKED WHAT TYPE HE WAS LOOKING FOR, HE GAVE THIS STATEMENT.
"I'm... uh, looking for commercials that misrepresent asian culture. Um, yo. Yo to you. Um, gag me with a spoon, I guess."
***
Hey, guys. I'm pretty sure that by this time you've noticed commercials that stereotype African-Americans as being either bling-bling (and Sprite) enthusiasts who say "dawg" or having a bounty of dreadlocks. Television has always been horribly racist, but commercials have always been the worse. It's not only African-Americans. All the ethnic groups circle through. The 70's were overflowing with Italians making idiots of themselves and spending twenty hours cooking and eating pasta. The 80's brought along my least favorite phase: America's perception of Asian culture.
Now, you must remember the status of Asians at the time. People weren't big anime nuts yet, and the only Asian culture Americans had contact with on a regular basis was noodles in a paper box. While the commercials weren't WWII buck-teethed bad; the lack of education is plainly obvious. Take this one for example.
 
Actually, this one isn't that it is racist or stereotyping, it's just a confusing mix of European interpretive dance with a dash of American porno' topped off with Japanes theater and featuring rejected cast members from Dirty Dancing. The two dancers are a pair of 80's-hair-doo-did, complete with headbands. They also apparently just got out of the National Paintball While Wearing Spandex Championship. So, what could these guys possibly be selling us? Hair care products most likely. Perhaps underwear. The 80's is also infamous for it's shameless bra commercials. But no, they're not selling underwear.
They're selling low-fat Japanese food! Benihana has been around for a long time; mostly in restaurant form, partly in grabbing the tail with the back hand and straightening the front foot while still keeping it on the board form, and only attempted the frozen dinner market for a brief time. Benihana is, of course, responsible for the classic food-made-right-in-front-of-you method now associated with most Asian food services and credit card depositories. I've never been in such a restaurant myself. I got a bad habit of putting my elbows on the table, so I'd probably walk in, sit down, order my food, put my elbows on the table, OH FUCK GRILL!
 
 
The commercial cuts back and forth to close up shots of food and our favorite bodysuit models, while a narrator gives us such tidbits as:
- It's not just fresh shrimp harvested from the West Pacific ocean, it's also LOW ON SODIUM, HAHA!!!
- It's not just high class Asian cuisine, it's free of carbs!!!
- You've got me turning up and turning down and turning in and turning 'round!!!
- You can eat Japanese food and look thin doing it!
par·a·phrase
(par'?-fraz')
n.
1. A restatement of a text or passage in another form or other words, often
to clarify meaning.
2. The restatement of texts in other words as a studying or teaching device.
But yeah, that's basically what they said.
Hey, the chef on the far left! It's John Waters! Hey, John Waters! What are you doing off the set of Hairspray?
Ok, so that wasn't horrible, just out of left field. Maybe I don't really know what I'm talking about. Should I stop the article here, guys?
MORE MORE MORE
Alright, have it your way.
 
Coming out at around the same time was McDonald's Chicken McNuggets' Shanghai, McDonald's way of saying "Hey, look at us, we're being multi-cultural! Love us! ...and buy our food which is exactly the same as our old food but has a bunch of useless bits added to it so that it'll cost twice as much!" One of the running gags of this commercial is that LOL FAT AMERICANS SUCK WITH CHOP STICKS as shown here with Melvin; who just can't get that dar Chicken McNugget into his mouth. Of course, nobody eats Chicken McNuggets with anything but their fingers.
The commercial is also narrated by a stereotypical-sounding Japanese woman, complete with broken English. An 80's stereotypical-sounding Japanese woman. A current stereotypical-sounding Japanese woman would be a high-pitched teenager screaming "Teeeee-YAAA!" and whatever sound a peace sign makes.
 
This food itself is merely a "Star Wars Special Edition" only applied to Chicken McNuggets. The nuggets themselves are the kind you got in the kids meals, which makes it seem like you get more than usual. It comes in a shiny gold-trimmed box, chopsticks, a McFortune Cookie, and FOUR SAUCES! Who in their right mind needs four sauces?
PEOPLE WHO DO TRICKS WITH BRICKS STICKS
WHEN YOU MARRY SOMEONE THIRTY YEARS OLDER THAN YOU, MCDONALD'S IS ABOUT AS ROMANTIC AS YOUR GONNA GET.
WHEN ONE CATCHES FLY WITH CHOPSTICKS, ONE CAN DO ANYTHING.
MINE SAYS, "THERE ARE JELL-O PUDDING CUPS IN MY FUTURE..."
CHICKEN MCNUGGETS ARE/IS SOUP
And so concludes our broadcast day. I mean, I have more, but that was a tough act to follow.
EVEN TOUGHER THAN ME!
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