You Can't Do That On My Website!
Posted by 7th on November 11, 2005

Those of you who've been with me for the long haul know that I have a lot to say about Disney. Disney has always been a big part of my life, even before I worked for them. But they weren't the only big fish in my pond, insofar as children's entertainment was concerned.

I watched a great deal of public broadcasting as a youngster (we didn't get cable TV in my house until I was 8 or 9.) Mister Roger's Neighborhood, Sesame Street, and some of the lesser known/remembered stuff, like the Electric Company and 3-2-1 Contact. I remember an episode of 3-2-1 where they visited an arena Kiss was about to put on a concert in that showed how they put the stage together, the lighting, and so on... I also remember the episode of Mister Rogers where they went to visit the set of The Incredible Hulk TV show. I remember the episode of Sesame Street where Snuffy was first introduced (this was when everyone still thought he was Big Bird's imaginary friend.) And of course, I can remember the distinctive "HEY YOU GUUUUUUUUUYS" opener of the Electric Company, and how amazing I thought it was when Spider-man guest-starred on the show.

That's the kind of lasting effects those shows had on me. I was reading on a second grade level when I started Kindergarten, and was doing math on a first grade level. I was in the gifted program, and was considered highly accelerated. I don't think my upbringing or my genetic make up had anything to do with it, since I'm the first man in my family (on my father's side) to graduate from college. I just think it was those shows. They gave me a leg up on all the other kids who had cable and spent their pre-school days watching Bugs Bunny and Little Rascals re-runs all day.

But then, that's not the only area where I developed prematurely. As my mother tells it, I became cynical and sarcastic far sooner than most kids. I developed a twisted sense of humor, and a fascination with the macabre, and a love of science fiction, all at the age of eight. My parents never put two and two together and realized that was the year we got cable TV, the year we got Nickelodeon.

Honestly, I'd seen Nickelodeon before. My friend Michael Lander had it (though he never seemed to watch it. I had to beg him to let me watch it when I came over.) Hell, most of my friends (short of my friend Tom Rusk) had it way before I did, but none of them seemed to find it all that interesting. I was different. I loved it from the first time I saw it, at the age of six.

My aunt and uncle, who lived just outside of Atlanta at the time, had cable way before we ever did. Every summer, we'd stop there for the night on our way to our annual Disney World vacation. So I'd get an entire day of cable TV to enjoy before heading down to the Happiest Place On Earth (back then, the only channels Disney had in their resorts were ABC, NBC, CBS, The Disney Channel, and a "park news" channel that previewed all the attractions. They wanted you out in the park enjoying yourself, not sitting in the room glued to the TV. Even now, the Disney resorts don't tend to have the cool pay channels like HBO or Showtime... just straight cable. You can't spend hundreds on over-priced Cokes and hamburgers if you're in your room watching a Sopranos marathon, ya dig?)

And one year, when I was about six, I was sitting in my aunt's living room, having fun using her WIRELESS REMOTE CONTROL (our TV didn't have a remote) when I happened across a channel where a little girl was being covered in a nasty looking green goo, and seemed to be sitting on a giant fried egg. I sat there enthralled for the rest of the day, never even realizing that this first introduction to Nickelodeon would end up playing a big part in the shaping of the person I'd one day become.

Of course, when we got back from our trip, I immediately started begging my dad to get cable. He would hear nothing of it. I begged for a full year and half, with no effect. Then, my Uncle Ronnie (who lived a few miles up highway 58 from us) got the full works. My mom and dad came over one night, and Dad witnessed firsthand all the old war movies and cowboy flicks he loved as a kid, right there at the touch of a button. We had cable installed the very next week, and at last, I had my Nickelodeon.

The channel was a lot different back then. Nowadays, it seems to be mostly comprised of lame cartoons like the Fairly Odd Parents and that kid who can turn into a ghost or whatever. For every shining point like Spongebob (the true successor to Ren and Stimpy, so far as Nickelodeon is concerned) there's crap like the teenage version of Rugrats. It's become the same as all the other kid's programming on cable. If you sit and watch their morning pre-school lineup, it's not that much different from Playhouse Disney. Same kind of shows, just different characters and actors. There's no Pinwheel anymore, nothing to make them stand out from the crowd.

When I think back on Nickelodeon, I remember old shows like Pinwheel, or Dangermouse (which came a few years later) but only three shows really stand out for me, three shows that left a lasting impression on me, so much so that I can still recall them now with the same sense of fascination.

The Third Eye was an attempt to make a sort of Twilight Zone for kids. It was a conglomerate of four 7-8 episode serials from the UK and New Zealand, each running in succession, over and over and over until the show was finally pulled. The production quality was sub- Dr. Who level, but nevertheless, I couldn't NOT watch it, no matter how many times I'd seen it beforehand. It had that weird sort of hypnotic quality to it, particularly the series I remember most out of the four:

The first series was Into The Labyrinth, a serial originally filmed in 1980 for the BBC. Three kids (Helen, Terry, and Phil) are off on a hike one day when they happen across a cave. They decide to check it out, and instead get sucked into a sort of time vortex, ruled over by a wizard named Rothgo. He sends them on a quest to receive the Nidas, a jewel that was the source of his power. In each episode, the Labyrinth of caves they were trapped in would morph into a different period of time... I recall one seemed to be in Nazi Germany, for example. Each time, they would find Rothgo living as someone else, with no memory of who he was. So they'd remind him, and he'd invariably say "Rothgo? Ah yes! I AM Rothgo!" and then help them try to find the Nidas, only to have it somehow taken from them at the last minute by the evil witch Belor. So naturally, they'd have to move on to the next time period.

The effects were lousy, but the writing was really sharp. I am told there were more episodes to this serial than the seven that were shown on the Third Eye, but none have been released on DVD. I can always hope.

The second serial was Children Of The Stones, a British show from 1976. It concerned one Dr. Adam Brake, a scientist, and his young son Maathew, who move to a small, quaint village to get away from the city life. But something is amiss. The villagers there all seem to be trapped in a weird, zombie-like state. As the show drags on, Dr. Brake traces the source of this mind control to a strange circle of celtic runes that sit just outside the village proper (an obvious nod to Stone Henge.) From there, it's a race against time to unravel the mystery beofre it takes hold of Dr. Brake and his son.

I don't remember much about this one, other than an old castle, the ruins, and people walking around in hooded robes.

The third serial was called The Haunting of Cassie Palmer. This was my least favorite of the whole bunch. It was about a young girl named Cassie Palmer (what a surprise) who is the 7th daughter of a 7th daughter, which apparently means she's especially susceptible to otherworldy no-goodnicks. She soon finds herself being haunted by a possibly evil spirit who calls himself Deverill (which wasn't at ALL a givaway, nope, not at ALL.) This one was far too soap opera for me. Whenever I flipped on the Third Eye and this serial was showing, I'd turn it off and go play Monopoly with myself (only child, dontcha know.) The sad part is, even when I played the game against myself, I STILL cheated.

The fourth and final series was called Under The Mountain, a 1981 serial from New Zealand. It concerned two twin siblings named Rachel and Theo, who move in with their aunt after their parents' death. While there, they meet a strange old man named Mr. Jones who clues them into the fact that he's an alien, sent to save the world from these strange alien walking grey boogers who want to take over the earth... and then he unloads a real earth shaker. Rachel and Theo are aliens too! And they have super powers they can unlock by using these glowing magic river stones he gives them (one is red, the other blue.) The three of them set off into the tunnels beneath the mountain to confront and defeat the evil alien grey booger monsters.

In other words, it was a complete rip-off of Disney's Escape From Witch Mountain with a few extra twists (not to mention boogers) thrown in. But I still loved it. Short of Cassie Palmer, I loved them all. They were quite spooky for their time, and helped develop my love of horror and suspense. Oddly enough though, my favorite part of the show was the opening, which was legitimately creepy (or it was to eight year old eyes, anyway.) You can see the opening by clicking here.

Then there was The Tomorrow People... not the crappy remake show Nickelodeon did in the 90's either, the REAL Tomorrow People from the late 70's/early 80's. It starred a group of British children who were, I suppose, the next step in the development of man. They had powers beyond that of ordinary people. They could read minds, communicate telepathically, in some cases, even heal wounds with their minds... and they could jaunt.

Jaunting was what they called teleportation and was the way they moved from their super secret base (in some episodes, this was in a secret government lab... in others, it was deep undergound in an abandoned subway tunnel system) to other places all over the globe. By the power of the mind, they could move from one place to another instantly ( a similar phenomenon was the topic of a Stephen King short story from his Night Shift collection, oddly called "The Jaunt," where a device is used to transport people from one side of the galaxy to the other... the gist being that you must be asleep when you do so, otherwise you go mad. One night, a curious little boy decides to spit out his medicine, and keeps his eyes wide open... (ATTENTION ALL 7TH READERS: Your weekly reading assignment is to track down that short story, give it a go, and discuss it on our wonderful forums. You may now continue with your scheduled article.))

Like many British tv shows, The Tomorrow People was split into numerous serials, or series, rather than seasons like shows are here in the states. Each series in the show had a new cast of kids, as the previous kids grew too tall, or their voices changed too much, or their breasts grew too large. But the overall concept remained the same. The kids used their amazing powers to make the world a better place, along with the help of their computer Tim, who in some episodes was a dismebodied voice and lights that came from the ceiling, and in others was a weird rolling table thingy.

At any rate, it was a show about kids who could save the world at a time when the Power Rangers didn't exist. The closest thing to it on American television were the Bloodhound Gang shorts on 3-2-1 Contact, and they were basically Mystery Inc. without Scooby Doo. The effects were lousy, the sets equally cheap, and their clothes really date the show. But it was good, and it was different. It sparked a real love of science fiction in me. Oh, I loved Star Trek, and the Star Wars films, Buck Rogers, and Battlestar Galactica, sure. But these were KIDS out protecting us from the evils of the world. I could relate to them more than Luke Skywalker, Captain Kirk, or Starbuck. This was a sci-fi show made for kids, that didn't insult the intellegence of its target audience. And for that, it should get more recognition than it does.

God, how many hours did I spend watching You Can't Do That On Television? More than I could ever hope to count, I'd guess. From the first time I saw it (the above mentioned episode that was apparently about breakfast food or some such, as I distinctly recall their circular "stage" set was dressed up to look like a fried egg) I was hooked. I'd never seen anything like it before in a kid's show. Here were kids making jokes about farts, body odor, barfing, the school bus driver, and so on, and the adults weren't scolding them for it. Far from it, they were playing along!

For those of you not old enough to remember it, You Can't Do That On Television was a comedy show in the vein of Saturday Night Live or Mad TV that starred kids, with most of the adult roles being played by a classic radio actor from Ontario named Les Lye. His primary role was as the Sniederish show director Ross, who was always the butt of jokes played on him by the host. The host was (for the first seven years) a young woman who proved to be, believe it or not, my first childhood crush. Yes, I had a crush on a Moose, and I'm not ashamed!

As I was growing up, the other boys in my class were obsessed with the likes of Daisy Duke, or Wilma from Buck Rogers, Charlie's Angel re-runs, and so on. Not me. For me, no other tv starlet held my eye like Christine "Moose" Mcglade. Moose was a real life nickname given to her in grade school, and she made the mistake of telling the producer of the show. She wasn't your typical host. Hell, she didnt even want the job. She was at the audition to help out a friend of hers, and was told that she'd either have to audition or leave. The rest is history.

Christine was a far cry from the quiet, shy, reserved little girls that were in my class. Christine was loud, and outspoken. She'd play tricks on Ross, smart off to him, and basically refused to be pushed around (though she did get her fair share of water and slime dropped on her... funny part is, she wore a wig through at LEAST one season that I know of, because she had her hair cut ultra short and dyed punk style, hence why her hair always seemed over poofy. It wasn't hers.)

Each episode had a different theme.. barfing, farts, food, exercise, money, and so on. The show was comprised of a series of sketches, most of which took place in repeated locations, such as the detention room, the class room, the school bus, a south american dungeon, Barth's Burgery ( I'll get to him in a minute) so in that way, it was almost like a disjointed sitcom where the subject was the key, not a coherent plot.

In an episode regarding money, I think, there was one little "mini-skit" that took place on the main stage, that was basically cracking wise about candy bars. In it, the little short blonde haired kid (I think his name was Doug) is shown trying to open a candy bar (made to look like the old-fashioned Hershey's bar) and the more tin foil wrapping he peels away, the more wrapping there is. He says "Why is it that as the price of a candy bar goes up, the amount of chocolate you get goes down?" and finally manages to pull the chocolate from the wrapper. It's about the size of two Hershey's bar squares. This was the appeal of the show, really. It approached the humor from a kid's point of view.

And right there in the thick of things was Les Lye. GOD BLESS LES LYE. The man had timing, hilarious expressions, and had that kind of one man show, man of a thousand faces appeal that guys like Red Skelton made famous. He was, effectively, the real star of the show. Were it not for Les, the show wouldn't have worked. He brought it all together, by being both the straight man AND the clown. In fact, I think one show in particular owes Les a word of thanks. That show is the Simpsons. In the Simpsons lies unmistakable influence from the characters of Les Lye. Behold!

First, there's Barth, the owner of Barth's Burgery, where all the kids continue to eat, even though they know the food is pure nastiness. Barth has no morals, no manners. He wipes his nose on his hand, then hands you a burger with a big booger on it, then eats it himself if you turn your nose up at it. And if you insulted him, whether he was in the room or not, he'd stick his head through the door and bellow "Daaaaaaaaaah, I HEARD THAT!"

THAT, is the essence of Barth. Oh, and according to his BARTH certificate (viewable on the web, believe it or not) his last name was "Bagge." Go figure.

Then there was the Dad, whose official name (though rarely, if ever mentioned) was Lance Prevert. He was a Canadian Senator, and thus (since the Canadian Senate is a bunch of good old boys appointed by their buddies rather than elected) was an old and drunken slob. he was balding, wore an undershirt covered in stains, and did whatever he could to avoid any actual work or responsibility. In other words, put him and the character of Barth together, and what you end up with is...

Need I say more?

But these only scratch the surface of what Les brought to the show. Take a look at some of the other characters he brought to life.

Snake Eyes was the insane bus driver who drove his school bus like a bullet stuck in the ass of a bat out of hell. These skits usually ended with a car accident, which really shouldn't have been amusing (a busload of dead kids is nothing to laugh about) but somehow, still made you crack up. According to Les, the original sketches, as filmed, always ended with Snake Eyes pulling out a gun and blowing a hole in the roof of the bus to get the kids to shut up. Nickelodeon had them reshoot these, so they just wrecked the bus instead. Yeah, that's MUCH better.

I loved these skits because Snake Eyes reminded me so much of my own bus driver, a real redneck named Roscoe (I'm not making this up) who chewed Redman while driving, listened to nothing but country music, and was constantly telling us to 'SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!" He died when I was in high school of throat cancer. I felt bad for him. He always had me sit right behind him, as I was very small for a kid, and he kept the bullies off my back. Whenever I see or think about Snake Eyes, I think of Roscoe.

It was, I'm sure, no coincidence that the school teacher had a Hitler moustache, as he ran his class like a Nazi drill sargent. Or at least, he TRIED to. The teacher had a lot in common with the principal character, seen in the pic above with the kid in the electric chair. They were pretty interchangable, only the principal was always assigning punishment, usually copying dictionary pages from the LARGEST DICTIONARY IN THE HISTORY OF WRITTEN WORD. Seriously, this thing ha to be two feet thick, and was so heavy that when he'd drop it on the student's desk, the whole desk would shake like it was going to fall over. He'd then say something to the effect of "copy pages thirteen to eight hundred and seventy-two!"

I would've loved to have that kind of punishment in school. Instead my principal would make me bend over his desk and he'd beat my ass with an inch thick wooden paddle with holes drilled in it to reduce wind resistance for maximum ass damage. To this day, I can't sit on a plastic chair that has holes cut in it, else I get "ass backs." get it? Ass.... nevermind.

One of the weirdest aspects of the show were the reoccurring scenes that didn't seem to make any sense, such as the infamous firing squad scenes. What the hell was a Canadian kid doing in a South American prison? Here Les played a Mexican/Cuban general dictator type, ordering a firing squad to shoot one of the kids. Almost every time, the sketch would end with the kids tricking the firing squad into shooting the general instead. Can you even imagine a skit like this being done on a kid show in this day and age?

Other scenes with the general had the kids chained up in a dungeon, while the general slapped at them with his little horse prod and interrogated them, and so on.

If they tried to pull something like this on, say, the Wiggles, those Aussie bastards would be booted back to Ex-Con land faster than you could say Yahoo Serious.

Of course, the two things the show were most famous for were water and slime. A running joke of the show (dating all the way back to the show that inspired it, a live weekend show in Canada called Whatever Turns You On that had all the same cast, but was recorded in front of a live audience and had musical numbers... You Can't was recorded in a studio with a dubbed in laugh track) was that whenever someone said "water," they got sprayed with water, or had it dumped on their head. If they said "I don't know," they got a bucket of green slime dumped on them (though sometimes red or multicolored, it was usually green.)

So often times, the skits taking place on the main stage set involved someone trying to trick Moose, Ross, or Alesdair (one of the most popular male castmembers and Moose's replacement when she left) into saying "water" or "I don't know." This became such a popular aspect of the show that the green slime was incorporated into a later Nickelodeon show, Double Dare. To this day, getting "slimed" is still prevelent in shows like Slime Time Live, where kids visiting Nickelodeon Studios in Orlando Florida can be slimed for various prizes and choose shows to play. The fountain in front of the Nickelodeon building at Universal Studios Florida still sprays green water to this day. In fact, if you look at the current Nickelodeon logo (the orange blob) it seems to be a combination of the green slime from You Can't Do That On Television, and the orange color scheme from the original Double Dare promos.

Over it's long history, the show had a total of over 50 kids in its cast, including a young and then unknown Alannis Morrisette (visible on the far right in the above picture.) Of those actors and actresses, Moose, Alesdair, and Les are the most fondly remembered. These days, Alesdair has moved on from acting, but still shows up at the annual "SlimeCon" up in the Great White North (which I'd love our infamous Canadian comic artist Al Creed to attend for us.) And what about Moose, my first pubescent obsession?

Well, she spent sometime behind the scenes with one of the bigger Canadian television channels, and is now a producer for the Canadian kids show CBC Playground. She too attends the SlimeCon conventions, and doesn't stray from questions or fond remembrances from fans, or so I've read. Perhaps one day, one of us can squeeze an interview out of her.

And as for Ross, well, he's 80 now, and retired. He had other various projects during his storied career (including providing additional voices for the short lived Teddy Ruxpin series) but his years on You Cant Do That On Television are still dearest to his heart. From what I've heard, he still attends every con, and answers every piece of fan mail. I wish him well.

Anyone who's been around me long enough to be familiar with my sense of humor should be able to see this show's influence rather plainly, as they should also be able to see the influence of the Tomorrow People and The Third Eye in my writing. In a way, this seems sad, considering I'm about to turn 31 in December. To me, it's just my refusal to become old. These shows, YCDTOTV especially, represent everything that I loved about being a kid, and that's a part of myself that I hope never to lose sight of. With those shows gone, I haven't had any desire to watch Nickelodeon (aside from an occasional craving for Spongebob, or if my son wants to watch Dora The Explorer.) I miss these shows still, and wish that someone would release a DVD box set of YCDTOTV. Will I ever look back on those old shows with adult cynicism? I can honestly say that I don't kn.... wait, I'd better NOT say that.

-=7th=-