Reviewing The Disney Sequels
Posted by 7th on November 21, 2005

The Disney name carries a lot of weight in the world of animation, and quite well it should. They invented the medium of feature animation. They didn't just refine it, nor did they merely perfect it. They INVENTED the concept of an animated feature film.

Disney is the only animation house in the history of film to have one of its animated features nominated for an Oscar for Best Picture (Beauty and the Beast.) No other studio has achieved this; not Dreamworks, not Fox, not Warner Brothers, not even Studio Ghibli. Disney stands alone.

So it perplexes me when they bring out a direct-to-dvd shitfest of a sequel to one of their classic films that is a rehash plotwise, and the animation isn't up to snuff. Oh, they get a triple every now and then, but they never hit it out of the park.

So parents wheel their kids into Wal-mart, and right there at the entrance is a cardboard rack with the newest Disney sequel, its artwork fairly similar to the original release with a big fat 2 or 3 across the top. And of course, the kid will invariably reach for it and start screaming. The parent trusts the Disney brand as one of family values and quality (both of which have been rather questionable over the past ten years) and so has no problem shelling out the same price they'd pay for one of Disney's theatrical releases. I wouldn't have so much of a problem with this if they were bargain priced: say, oh, 9.95 or so. But no. They charge 19.95 and have "A new Disney Classic" or "A New Addition to the Exciting Trilogy!" across the top, as if it was always planned that they would follow the original film with inferior also-rans.

And so let us look at these films and what merits (if any) they may have. We'll also take a look at a more recent phenomenon, that of Disney releasing theatrical sequels (and no, I won't be covering the astounding Toy Story 2, since technically it's a Pixar film, not a Disney film.)

... what, you don't think you can make it through an entire article of shitty Disney sequels? You think you can just walk away? You think you have no one to answer to for ignoring all my hard work? Well let me tell you something, Jerky.

1) Rescuers Down Under

Historically, this was the first animated Disney sequel. It differs from most of the others because it wasn't produced by Disney's television animation wing (now known as Toon Disney) but their feature division. It had a theatrical release that netted about 30 million, which wasn't bad for an animated film during that time. It was a sequel to the Rescuers, but was leaps and bounds beyond the original in terms of animation quality and overall production values.

It follows the continuing adventures of Bernard the mouse and his true love, Miss Bianca, agents of the Rescue Society. This time, a young Australian boy is kidnapped by an evil poacher named McLeech (voiced brilliantly by the late George C. Scott) who wants to kill a rare giant golden falcon... and the boy is the only one who knows where to find it.

This film is often credited as Disney's first foray into combining computer animation with traditional hand-drawn images, but it was actually preceeded by The Great Mouse Detective and Oliver and Company, which both had computer-animated action sequences.

While most of the original voices from the first film return (Bob Newhart, Eva Gabor), what makes this film stand out for me more than anything is the score. This is not a Disney musical. This is a pure action adventure with a rousing, sometimes breathtaking score in true Indiana Jones fashion, composed by the under-appreciated composer Bruce Broughton. He is best known as the composer of many memorable tv themes, including Hawaii Five-O, Gunsmoke, and Dallas. He has also composed scores for many popular movies, including Silverado (for which he was nominated for Best Score), Tombstone (my third favorite Western next to Dances With Wolves and Unforgiven), the unforgivably awful Lost In Space (but hey, the score kicked ass), and some of my most beloved childhood guilty pleasures: The Boy Who Could Fly, Young Sherlock Holmes, Harry And The Hendersons, and Monster Squad. His work on Rescuers Down Under is without a doubt one of my favorite film scores of all time. I often pop this one in the DVD player just to let it play in the background.

2) The Return Of Jafar (aka Aladdin 2)

I was rather surprised when I walked into Phar-mor to start my shift in the video department (I was 17 at the time), opened a case of new movies, and found this sitting at the bottom of the box. "When the hell did I miss this at the theater?" I thought to myself.

I rushed it home that very night and popped it into my VCR, and spent the next hour and a few minutes in shock. All the characters from the original Aladdin had returned, but Robin Williams was gone, replaced by Dan Castalleneta, the voiceman behind Homer Simpson. The animation was utter garbage, easily the worst I'd ever seen from a Disney "feature." Further inspection of the closing credits revealed that the film had been made by Disney's TV animation wing, and was comprised mostly of Asian animators from overseas, who no doubt drew all the thousands of cels that made up this piece of shit for 2 cents an hour.

This "film" is essentially nothing more than the ninety minute pilot to the Aladdin TV series that was a big part of Disney's afternoon kidvid block back in the early 90's (it's still shown several times a day on Toon Disney.)

The story follows a theme that many Disney sequels to come would follow.

1) The hero of the story is either the original hero, or the hero's son or daughter.

2) The villain is either the original villain or a close relative who looks and acts just like the original villain (an evil sister, for example.)

3) The story usually involves a simple moral lesson that was more than adequately covered in the original piece with better pacing and subtlety.

4) The songs, if there are any, will suck in every way compared to the original.

These are the four criteria to learn if you want to discern a decent Disney sequel from an abysmal one. Take, for example, our next flick.

3) Beauty And The Beast: The Enchanted Christmas

Whoever chose to make this pile of tripe should be drawn and quartered, then fed to the wolves from the first film. There's very little here to justify the film's existance. Again, this was made by the TV wing of Disney's animation department, not feature animation. The story takes place prior to the conclusion of the first film, during the holiday season Belle spent in the castle. Generic evil guy Tim Curry plays an malevolent pipe organ who has spent the years of the curse "consoling" the Beast with his dulcid tones. He does not wish for the curse to be lifted, because he has come to covet his hold over the beast, and apparently enjoys being stuck to the fucking wall all day, and he has a little piccolo voiced by Paul Reubens who is trying to undermine Belle at every turn, and it's a perfect role for Pee Wee since he has such a storied background in playing the meat flute, and OH GOD STOP IT NOW BEFORE I DIE!

4) Aladdin And The King Of Thieves

Robin Williams was filming another movie for Disney when he recorded his lines for this film. This is a trend I've brought up before, that when Disney hires an actor for a specific movie, that actor's voice often shows up in an animated film six months to a year later. It may be a law, I don't know.

At any rate, this film showcases the same shitty TV animation, but has a much better story than Return of Jafar, and of course, it has Robin Williams, which is a hell of a lot better than the other guy (yes, I'm too lazy to keep typing his last name.) Suffice it to say, he was born to play Homer Simpson and should never stray beyond that.

Aladdin and Jasmine are planning to ge married, but the blessed event is put on hold by an attack from the King of Thives, voiced by Ghimli from Lord of The Rings himself, John Rhys-Davies. It soon turns out that he is Aladdin's long lost father, and they must put aside their differences and work together to retrieve the Hand Of Midas, a magical scepter that turns all that it touches to gold.

The script is not as tight as the original, and the animation is pure balls, but it is a fun ride with a few catchy tunes. Off all the animated sequels, it's one of the least asthetically offensive, mostly due to the retun of William's frenetic improvisation.

5) The Lion King 2: Simba's Pride

This was one of the first Disney direct-to-video sequels that had an animation quality somewhat close to the original. Close, but not quite. It also has a couple of song numbers that, while nowhere near as good as those in the first film, at least have the "feel" of the original songs. They sound like something that would've fit well on the original soundtrack CD (and if I recall correctly, are songs used in the Broadway musical.)

Despite its high animation quality, and the strength of the score, it does have some glaring problems, mainly that it fits into the Four Signs Of A Shitty Disney Sequel mentioned above.

1) The hero of the movie is Simba's daughter

2) The villain is Scar's "wife."

3) The moral of the story, I suppose, is not to punish the son for the sins of the father. Inasmuch as the plot of The Lion King was heavily influenced by MacBeth (and Otomo's Kimba the White Lion, of course), Lion King 2 has a lot in common with the "forbidden love" aspect of Romeo and Juliet. Simba's daughter falls for Scar's son, a war nearly ensues (well, as close to a war as this film's budget would allow... about seven lions on each side) but instead of a double suicide, we get a happy union, a new baby, and a dead mother-in-law. All is right with the world.

4) And as mentioned above, the music, while passable, sucks compared to the original score.

So overall, thumbs down folks.

6) Little Mermaid 2: Return To The Sea

This movie makes me sea sick. It's such a pointless retread of a film. When watching it, it had the feel of one of those "pack-in" movies that comes with certain new Barbie dolls and the like. It's like watching a 90 minute commerical for Little Mermaid merchandise. The animation is better than the early DTV sequels, but I'd take either of the Aladdin sequels over this shit. Especially since it fits right into my four part formula:

1) The hero is Ariel's daughter, who pulls a reverse as a human princess who becomes a mermaid.

2) The villain is Ursula's skinny evil sister, who looks for all the world like a cross between an octopus and Phyllis Diller.

3) The moral, I suppose, is for kids to trust their parents, and for parents to not keep secrets from their children.

4) What little music there is blows orcas.

The only reason you should buy this movie is if you have a little girl/boy who absolutely adores the original. They'll appreciate it in the short term, but eventually, they'll grow old enough to see how much it sucks, and will blame you for it.

7) Cinderella 2: Dreams Come True

I remember when this was first announced, the trailer for it had the tag line "Ever wonder what happened AFTER happily ever after?"

No. I didn't. Because it's happily ever after, you moron.

This "movie" was nothing more than Disney trying to earn some returns on a failed project: namely, a Cinderella afternoon TV show. The episodes they created failed to make an impression, didn't sell, so they added a few transitional scenes to tie the episodes together and sold them as a movie. As you read on, you'll learn this is not an uncommon practice at the House of Mouse.

These brief morality tales take place after Cinderella has married the prince and moved into the castle. One involves helping one of her evil step sisters find love, and one involves Lucifer the cat and the mice, and so on and so forth. Little girls will probably love it, but its very teen queen soap operaish. Apparently, what happens after Happily Ever After is you spend the rest of your marriage dealing with everyone else's shit.

8) 101 Dalmations 2: Patch's London Adventure

Now this is more like it, believe it or not. Disney does a fair job trying to emulate the look and feel of the original here, though it does look newer and more processed. Disney's films of that age of its history (101 Dalmations, Jungle Book, Aristocats, etc) had a very rough look to them. The animation was more fluid, but you could see the actual pencil strokes in many frames, and they relied less and less on using actual actor's movements to animate walking, for example. Those pencil strokes are not visible here. Everything is very smooth edged, but the characters all have the same features, so it almost has the look of a "digitally enhanced" or restored version of the original film.

The story is actually not as much of a rehash as you might think, though it does fit some of the four criteria:

1) The hero is the son of Pongo, one of the 101 pups. This one is named Patch because of the black circle over one eye.

2) Cruella De Vil returns, free from prison and looking for a new outlet for her madness, something to replace her love of fur. Susan Blakeshee does a commendable job mimicking the stylings of the original Cruella, Betty Lou Gerson. One hardly notices the difference.

3) The moral is that it's alright to be different and independent, and is re-enforced by Patch proving to be the true hero and saving the day instead of relying on others to do it for him.

4) The music is actually very well done, so it only fills three out of the four, and thus cannot be considered a shitty Disney sequel.

The story is nothing new, but lots of fun nonetheless. Patch and the rest are moving to a new farm house. Patch isn't ready to go, because his TV hero Thunderbolt (seen briefly on tv in the original and voiced here by Barry Bostwick) is coming to London to audition a new sidekick. Meanwhile, his current sidekick Lightning (played by Jason Alexander) is conspiring to get rid of Thunderbolt. Through a series of unforeseen mishaps, the two wind up together, with Patch trying to save his family from the newly maddened Cruella, and Thunderbolt using the kidnapping as a way to get his name back in the papers and save his job.

Also of note is Martin Short, providing the voice of the wacky french beatnik artist who is obsessed wth painting big black dots. He has a sort of, well, romance with Cruella that's just too sickening to not laugh at. (I'm assuming Short cut these voice tracks while doing the voice of B.E.N. for Treasure Planet, or vice versa... the whole double role deal again, dontcha know.)

I really dig this movie. It's one of my kid's favorites, so naturally I watch it a lot. The scenes with Short playing off of Cruella never fail to make me laugh, so this one is a true rarity: a Disney DTV sequel that gets my mark of approval. Thumbs up, yall.

8) Lady And The Tramp 2: Scamp's Adventure

This film starts out as being a good natured, mostly harmless rehash of the original, with all the old beloved characters returning for a good laugh. But at its heart, there an underlying meanness that I don't particularly care for, and I'll get to why shortly. First, the criteria:

1) The hero is Scamp, Tramp and Lady's son, who yearns for freedom and adventure. He finds it by running away from home to the junkyard, where he meets Angel (voiced by Alyssa Milano), and Buster, the head dog of the yard, so to speak.

2) The villain is Buster, who is a stereotypical mean junkyard dog that's been seen numerous times in films like these, so while he's not the original villain or relative of such, I still feel he meets the criteria of an unoriginal foe.

3) The moral was originally intended (I believe) that you must be treu to who you are, but it ends up de-evolving into "There's nothing wrong with being a sour winner." I'll explain shortly.

4) The music is utterly forgetable and redundant. It attempts to hearken back to the original, but does so by tying into rehashes of classic scenes, such as the scene behind Tony's Restaurant (in this film, Scampa and Angel end up flinging spaghetti all over each other.)

So here comes the end of the film, and Scamp, having defeated Buster and won the heart of the girl, has decided to return home where he belongs. But before he does so, he takes a cheap shot at the defeated Buster. He turns and tells his family "There's just one thing I have left to do." He turns to say goodbye to the rest of the junkyard gang, who have all seen the error of their ways and have chosen to abandon Buster, and then decides to rub salt in buster's wounds by knocking a piece of junk at him, and then laughing at him when he gets trapped under a fallen pile of junk. Scamp then announces that he's leaving Buster trapped there alone to "learn his lesson."

And as if that's not bad enough, Tramp steps up alongside of Scamp to join him in laughing at this poor, dejected dog, and says something to the effect of "That's my boy!"

So what's the REAL moral, "Kick 'em when they're down?" "Bad guys deserve proper punishment, plus 10 percent?" Who the hell thought this was a fitting ending to a Disney film? It's incredibly cruel and completely out of character for the original Tramp, who most likely would have had stern words for Scamp over such behavior. No one likes a sour winner, thus I certainly do not care for Scamp. This one is completely forgettable. Don't bother, unless of course you want your kid to scream "Hah, hah!" and smash the game board over their best friend's head whenever he/she wins at Checkers.

9) Jungle Book 2

This movie makes me want to puke banana yogurt. It's not that John Goodman doesn't make for a good Baloo, because he does. It's not that King Louie is missing, because the actor who portrayed him had a voice that cannot be copied, and he is dead, so his absence was to be expected. It's not even Haley Joel Osment playing Mowgli. It's just that there's nothing here that wasn't in the first film, short of Mowgli's adopted little brother, so why the hell bother?

Easy. To make more money from additional DVD, video game, and toy sales.

Of course, this film had just enough production quality for Disney to consider it theater worthy, so it got the big screen treatment, though few people went to see it. This was probably done because they didn't have the usual yearly Pooh sequel for parents to take their extra little kiddies to (something started with A Tigger Movie, which we'll get to shortly.) But enough speculation. On with the Criteria:

1) The hero is Mowgli. Again.

2) The villain is Sher Kahn. Again.

3) If there is a moral, it's that "you can't go back again." Why? because Mowgli just up and decides one day to go back to the jungle and sing more songs with his groovy "papa bear," tigers be damned.

4) I really can't say anything bad about the songs here, since 90% of them are the same songs from the original movie. "The Bear Neccessities" is sung at least fifty four hundred times in this film, enough so that becomes stuck in your head in a sort of endless loop that only hours of exposure to System of a Down can cure.

As with Patch's London Adventure, the animators do a good job trying to recreate the look of the original, only again, the "pencil stroke" look is gone, replaced with a more modern-looking Disney asthetic. Its art style more resembles Tarzan than the original Jungle Book, along with a much brighter color scheme.

There's just nothing new though. More wandering through the forest being chased by Sher Kahn. It's the same fucking story all over again. And it has Phil Collins providing the voice of one of the vultures, and that's a travesty I'm not willing to stand for. Thumbs down.

10) Return To Neverland

First off, I'll admit right now that this film definitely meets all four criteria for a Shitty Disney Sequel:

1) The hero is Peter Pan, and the heroine... in true Disney Sequel form... is Wendy's daughter. AND SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN FAERIES OR PETER PAN OR NEVERLAND!!!! The film hammers in the point that growing up in the horror of World War II era London has caused her to be callous and practical. In one scene, she runs through wartorn London, with Nazi planes flying overhead, and meets Wendy and her little borther out back in an underground bomb shelter. Her reason for tempting fate? To bring her little brother a birthday present. What did she bring him?

Socks. That don't match.

2) The villain is again Captain Hook. But this time, he's not being chased by an alligator with a clock in its tail. Oh no, this time, he's being chased by a giant octopus, whose bobbing eyes make a "plip plop" sound when it moves. Oh yeah, that's TOTALLY different, way to hit me over the head with your blazing creativity, you unoriginal bastards.

3) The moral is a mixture of the original film's moral, and its direct opposite. While it is a good thing to grow up and be responsible, it is equally important to not lose sight of our childish nature. Thanks Disney. Now I'm schizophrenic.

4) The orchestral score is fantastic. but the songs suck. "This Is The Way Lost Boys Play" or whatever it's called is just bad, bad, bad. Ugh. And this really surprises me too, since much of the song work was written by They Might Be Giants (which they did while doing some songs for Disney's Playhouse Disney CD Music sets, so again, multi-project deals.)

One thing I did really love about this film was the opening scenes, where Tinkerbell is flying through the clouds over London looking for Peter, and in doing so lights up several clouds that depict scenes from the original film.

Also good is the "kipnapping scene" where Hook and company kidnap jane (thinking she's Wendy) and end up getting chased by British fighter jets as the Jolly Roger takes to the skies. This scene is highly derivative of Spielberg's Hook, but I like it just the same.

Short of that scene, and some of the admittedly fun World War II stuff, there's absolutely nothing original about this film. Everything in it is meant to hearken back to the original in one form or another. It fits every criteria of a Shitty Disney Sequel to a t (and of note: it was also a theatrical release, and did fairly well, though it was no blockbuster by any sense of the word.)

But I don't care. I like it, and am not ashamed to admit it. It has some genuine laughs, the actors do a great job of copying the original voices (especially Hook and Smee) and there are no slow, dragging moments. Peter Pan is one of my favorite Disney films, so in that regard, more of a good thing, even if its the same thing with a slightly more polished sheen, is plenty fine with me.

Don't look at me like that. It's my damned list, I'll do what I want!

11) Atlantis: Milo's Return

Here's another cost-saving measure. Disney was apparently so sure that Atlantis was going to be a huge break out success (and by all means it should have been, since the only thing it had going against it was Michael J. Fox's squeaky, twelve year old geek voice... and the fact that it stole its plot from Nadia and Stargate... no shit, set Atlantis and Stargate side by side and see for yourself) that they created a handful of pilot episodes for a tv tie-in show, wherein Milo and his buddies travel the world looking for other "remnants" of Atlantis technology to prevent it from falling into the wrong hands and what have you.

And then the movie tanked at the box office. Companies looking for kid shows to syndicate laughed in their faces. It was shelved. And then, Cinderella 2 sold a shitload of copies and made millions of dollars. Disney realized they had more failed tv shows they could package, and VIOLA! Instant crap hash to feed your DVD player! Yum.

This is so bad it should give you cataracts. Burn any copy you find.

12) Beauty And The Beast: Belle's Magical World

Yet another TV re-package. Apparently, SOMEWHERE down the line Disney entertained the thought of doing a Beauty and the Beast tv show for girls. It never sold, for one reason or another, so Disney threw the few episodes they produced together and released them as the "Third addition to the magical trilogy!"

It looks like shit. It's sub-Duck Tales quality, something I didn't think was humanly possible. The music sucks. The episodes are linked by some really shitty CGI. And to top it all off, they hired a voice actress that doesn't sound a fucking thing like Angela Lansbury to do the voice of Mrs. Potts. I WANT MY REAL MRS. POTTS, YOU CHEAP ASSHOLES! A KNOCK-OFF SIMPLY WILL NOT DO, SIRS!

It comes with a cheap little plastic make-up mirror for all your little princesses out there, made to sort of, kinda, possibly resemble a small, plastic version of Beast's magic mirror. Try using it to see a GOOD version of this movie all you want, it won't work. Even magic has its limits.

13) Fantasia 2000

This one doesn't really fit into any criteria. It's a fantastic film, with breathtaking animation and wonderful music. Your kids will most certainly get bored, but it's a true feast for the senses, a welcome extension of Walt's original vision (his nephew Roy Jr. was heavily involved in this project) and in my mind, is an essential addition to any Disney library. I have absolutely nothing bad to say about it. If you can find it, for God's sake, buy it.

14) An Extremely Goofy Movie

Here's a real humdinger for ya: a sequel to a film that wasn't particularly successful to begin with. Which isn't to say I don't like Goofy. On the contrary, I LOVE Goofy. His old "Sport Goofy" shorts were and still are hilarious, and are the closest the old Disney toons ever came to the madcap lunacy of the Bugs Bunny shorts. And yes, I loved A Goofy Movie. I laugh my ass off every time I watch it, particularly during the Bigfoot Encounter.

This flick is a different story. Both the original film and this sequel are continuations of the old popular Goof Troop show, and focus on the misadventures of Goofy and his son Max (in the Disney tradition, Max's mom is never mentioned... for some reason, Disney heroes rarely, if EVER know both their parents, or get to keep them.) Still, where the original was fresh and funny and brought Goofy's idiocy to a new level, this movie just drags on and on and puts the Goofy through a lot of tired cliches about hitting your midlife crisis and letting go of the youngsters. So to the criteria:

1) The hero is Max, same as the original film

2) The villain is partly Pistol Pete (also known as Pegleg Pete... see the Disney Fashion Database for more information) and partly the evil jock Max meets when he leaves for college.

3) The moral is that kids don't stay kids forever, and to respect your parents, so we have another two-fold lesson going on here.

4) There is no real music, just generic rock tunes, so this criteria really doesn't apply.

Max goes to college, and Goofy is sad about it. That's pretty much the entire plot. He follows Max to college and decides to enroll himself. Of course, it's been years since Goofy was on a campus, so he comes walking in wearing a suit that looks like something JJ Evans would wear (which furthers my hypothesis that Goofy is a brother.) This humiliates Max of course, and it doesn't help when Goofy falls for the school librarian, and has a full-on Saturday Night Fever moment with her at the local club, he in his best Travolta leisure suit, and she in bell-bottoms, love beads, and an afro (again, Goofy's gotta be a brother.)

There's not enough here. It just plays like Goof Troop: The College Years. Honestly, I kept waiting for Screech to come around a corner, or SOMETHING interesting happening. I swear, by the time the credits rolled, I felt somewhat like this:

F'shure.

15) A Tigger Movie

I don't really count the new Pooh movies as sequels, really, since they're all essentially the same: slow-moving, quiet, easy to digest films for the little tykes. And I have nothing against that. In fact, The Many Adventures Of Winnie The Pooh is a guilty pleasure of mine.

The Tigger movie was a surprising hit when it came out, most likely due to the novelty of a Winnie The Pooh movie being at the theater, and the enduring adoration for all that is Tigger. You can say what you want about Pooh and his little Hundred Acre Universe. Tigger is the perrenial favorite. Disney's version of the character is loved the world over, so it was only fitting that he get his own movie.

It doesn't fit the criteria. The heroes are the same, naturally. But it being a Pooh movie, there is no villain. There's just Tigger, and his desire to know his family, not realizing that it's been right in front of him all of his bouncy life. Hence the moral is not to miss the trees for the forest, so to speak. And the Pooh movies have never really been about the music. I have nothing negative to say about this little film. It's perfect for the 2-5 age group in all of us.

16) Piglet's Big Movie

I'm less appreciative of this film. I don't know why, I guess it's because there's just not that much to the Piglet character. He's a tiny little guy with a timid nature bu the heart of a lion trapped behind his own needless fears. In this film, similar instructure to the "crappy tv episode films" mentioned above, Piglet gives into those fears and runs away. the plot then switches to flashback scenes where Pooh and the others remember things Piglet did in the past that proved he could do anything he set his mind to.

Now I'm not going to make any "Pooh and Piglet are a couple" jokes here, as that's ground that's been well-tread on the internet, and I don't really see any point to it, since these characters, gender aside, are essentially asexual in nature (it's about as worthy a debate as the whole Burt and Ernie bullshit.)

But I just can't get behind this one as much as the other films in the Pooh series, because Piglet is just not strong enough of a character to carry his own movie, and the script does nothing to change that, aside from the predictable climax where Piglet must swallow his fear in order to save a friend.

It's not bad, but Tigger is better.

17) Pooh's Heffalump Movie

In this, the most recent Pooh sequel (I don't count the DTV releases like Springtime for Roo, Frankenpooh, or Heffalump Halloween, because they're all essentially continuing episodes of the Winnie The Pooh show from the 80's in both style and quality) Roo meets a new friend in the form of Lumpy the Heffalump. Up to this release, the films have pressed the point that Heffalumps are huge, hulking untrustworthy monsters. Lumpy and his mother shatter those illusions. The film teaches kids the lesson that we shouldn't believe everything we hear when it comes to other people, or other cultures. To put it in a Southern context, Lumpy is the new black kid who's moved in on the corner that no one plays with because their white parents tell them he'll get them in trouble, but ends up being one of the nicest kids on the block, making the other parents out to be racist asswipes. It's a fine movie, with great music, and let's face it. Lumpy is just adorable, easily one of the most endearing characters Disney has created in several years, Stitch being the other example (though he's far less inocent in nature.) And speaking of 626...

18) Stitch: The Movie

Let's face facts here. This is not really a"movie." Sure, all the original voice talent is back, but for all intents and purposes, this was just the hour and a few minutes long pilot for Lilo and Stitch: The Series, and sets up the whole Pokemonish concept of "Gotta catch all of Jumba's Experiments!"

It's not as funny as the original film, nor is it as well made. But if you're a fan of the series (which I am, as a lot of it is incredibly funny) than this is an essential purchase. Otherwise, ignore it completely and skip straight to...

19) Lilo And Stitch 2: Stitch Has A Glitch

This doesn't meet the criteria, since there's no villain here and no real moral other than to trust your pet alien when it says its genocidal outbursts aren't intentional, therefore I must declare it watchable. In fact, I would like to go on record and say that, though the movie completely rips off the "death scene" from ET: the Extra Terrestrial, it is possibly one of the best DTV sequels Disney's ever done.

The film takes place between the original film and Lilo and Stitch: The Series. Stitch is having a great time living with Lilo, but is haunted by nightmares of returning to his former evil self. As these dreams become more and more intense, Stitch begins to have outbursts of evil, where his eyes turn green and he momentarily loses control.

We eventually learn that Stitch was never finished, that he was supposed to have been exposed to a certain amount of radioactive energy to complete him, but that process was interrupted when Jumba's lab was raided by the Galactic Alliance police. So it's a race against time for Jumba to build the machine from earth parts and get Stitch the energy boost he needs before he destroys himself and everything else with him.

Of note here is that Daveigh Chase, the original voice of Lilo, was getting too old for the part and hence was replaced here by War of the Worlds star Dakota Fanning (though oddly enough, Daveigh WILL be voicing Lilo in the upcoming sequel to Stitch: The Movie.) She does a pretty good job of mimicking Daveigh's childish slurring, but it is noticeable. Dakota has a much clearer speaking voice, so it sounds as though Lilo has been taking speech classes at school.

There's a lot of laughs here, and animation quality is extraordinary for a DTV release. It looks exactly like the original film. Again, the only reservation I have is that it apes ET in its death scene. I won't spoil the film by explaining the comparison. Watch it for yourself, you'll see it.

(Also, watch the scene where the family gathers around the tv for "sci-fi movie night." There's a joke here involving Pleakley and one of Nani's sci-fi snacks that cracks me up every time.)

20) Mulan 2

Crap. Pure, unadulterated crap. Criteria time!

1) Mulan is the hero

2) There's a new enamy in town, and its name is MALE CHAUVANISM

3) It teaches the rather blase cliche that women are equal and should marry whoever the hell they want. I couldn't agree more, as much of the modern world has for the last hundred years or more.

4) The score is fine, more of the same, but the songs sound like they were ripped right off a Spice Girls Reunion Tour.

Mulan and Shang are getting married. But their ceremony is dlayed when the Emperor sends them on a mission to escort three princesses to THEIR weddings, arranged marriages to forge peace between marriages. Halfway along the way, Mulan decides this is wrong and turns on her own fiancee to defend the freedom of these three forelorn princesses. This is a great movie for little girls, I suppose, though I doubt any in this country and this day and age have to worry about the evils of marrying for peace. Little boys will most likely spit on you for making them watch it and go egg your car.

Oh, and Eddie Murphy's been replaced by a sound alike. Fittingly enough, you hardly notice.

20) Pocahontas 2: Journey To A New World

Disney follows up historical butchery with even more of the same, in more ways than one! On to the criteria!

1) The hero is again Pocahontas, only now she's joined by her Giant Indian Companion, a huge bulk of a man who never speaks and has the countenance of Gomez Addams's butler, and her new love interest John Rolfe (voiced by Billy Zane.)

2) Ratcliffe is once again the bad guy, this time attempting to convince the king that Pocahontas is a savage representing a savage race that must be wiped out if England is to prosper in the New World.

3) The moral is the same as the first movie. Don't mess with Indian chicks. I'm just kidding, of course. It's "always heed the advice of talking trees."

4) The songs blow exceeding amounts of racoon ass.

This film, like the first, is partially based on accurate history. Pocahontas (though that wasn't her real name) did indeed to to England. And there she stayed. She died of those newfangled European diseases that killed those other pesky Indians when Ponce De Leon went looking for his Fountain.

Here, she convinces the English King to leave the Indians alone and goes back to her people a hero. Man, this is gonna cause some serious F's in history on a lot of report cards.

21) Tarzan And Jane

Here's another TV jamfest for you. What we have here are a few mini-adventures tacked together by expositional scenes about Tarzan and his lovely new wife. One one, he ventures into a volcano to get her a diamond, and learns that all she wants is his love, not precious BLEEEEEECCCCCHHHH.

These "adventures" must have been prototypes of a kind, as the animation quality of the Adventures of Tarzan TV is miles ahead of what is to be found on this DVD. I shit you not, the animation looks like it was done in Macromedia Flash 5. It looks more like something you'd find on joecartoon.com, not a Disney DVD. If you MUST have a sequel to Tarzan, ignore this mess of random moving colors and lines and go straight to the following:

21) Tarzan 2

I want to badmouth this movie, but I can't, because my kid loves it to death. Plus, it does have some genuinely funny moments, and it doesn't fit all four of the criteria:

1) The hero is still Tarzan, but the entire movie takes place during his childhood years.

2) Since it takes place before Jane, her father, and the evil Clayton came to Africa, there are new villains, namely three ultra-mean mountain apes: a mother and her two sons (one of which is hilriously played by the Frankenstein's Monster who played Ray's brother Robert on Everybody Loves Raymond. He's a regular contributor to Disney DTV. He also played a big fat roughian in An Extremely Goofy Movie.) The mother ape is played by George Costanza's mom from Seinfeld.

3) The moral is that our differences are often what makes us strongest, the same moral Disney's been teaching since Dumbo came out.

4) Again, the songs are done by Phil Collins, so it depends on whether you liked the original soundtrack, as it's more of the same here.

Tarzan is still not fitting in. Eventually, he runs away, and comes across the above mentioned mountain gorrillas. He is consequently rescued by the "monster of the mountain," a creature that calls itself Zugor.

This "monster" later proves to be just a really old, cantankerous gorilla voiced by George Carlin, of all people, who just wants to live up on his mountain alone and worry free. He soon grows fond of Tarzan, teaches him the ways of the forest, his heart grows three sizes, and he carves the Roast Beast. The End.

The animation is extremely high quality for a DTV flick. In fact, it pretty much matches the quality level of the original film frame for frame. Nope, the only thing keeping this from being a classic is the non-existant story. It's a fun flick for kids, but it lacks staying power where adults are concerned.

21) Mickey's Twice Upon A Christmas

I hesitate to include this film, as it's a sequel in name only, and even then it's a sequel to a direct-to-video film, not a theatrical feature.

Basically, this was Disney's first foray into CGI animation without Pixar. It was done as a DTV film because they were just testing the waters to see if people would accept a Disney film that wasn't hand drawn. The DVD sold like hotcakes, and thus Disney abandoned theatrical hand drawn films. So in a way, you can blame this movie for that.

It's a sequel to a hand drawn DTV film called Mickey's Once Upon A Christmas that was really just an overly long Christmas episode of Mickey's House of Mouse. And much like it, this film doesn't have one coherent story, but several linked together by the image of a "pop-up book" under the Christmas tree.

The stories are fun, overall. Pluto runs away and joins the reindeers. Donald goes berzerk in a shopping mall. The Nephews spend Christmas with Uncle Scrooge and end up invading Santa's workshop, Max brings his girlfriend over to Goofy's for Christmas dinner, and so on. There are lots of laughs and overwhelming yule tide Christmasyness in abundance here. It's just a fun little harmless movie that my kid loves. And if nothing else, it does prove that Disney has some CGI chops of its own. I recommend it.

22) Lion King 1 1/2

This movie is actually quite funny, if not completely superfluous. It postulates that there was a lot more to the story of the original Lion King than what was originally shown. Essentially, it left out the entire story of the REAL heroes: Timon and Pumba.

Here you'll learn where the Dynamic Duo came from, why they're best friends, why certain things REALLY happened in the first movie (the animals didn't bow to Simba during his coronation... they were passing out from the gases spewing from Pumba's ass.)

There are fun musical numbers, a lot of sight gags, fart and booger jokes galore, rampant bug eating, and some fun cameos, such as Timon's mom (played by the actress who voices Marge Simpson) and Timon's uncle, who's voiced by Jerry Stiller of Sienfeld and King of Queens fame. Most, if not all, of the original voice actors appear here (with the exception of Jonathan Taylor Thomas, whose voice finally broke in 2004, and I think the hyenas are voiced by sound-alikes as well.)

It's an absolutely unneccessary film. It doesn't really add anything to the original movie. It's just a dumb fun romp with the comic relief, which isn't always a bad thing. You can really tell the writers had fun with this one. Watch the ending for some MST3K style cameos from other Disney stars.

And now, get ready friends, 'cause I've saved the worst for last.

23) the Hunchback of Notre Dame 2

Fuck you, Disney. To quoth Carlin, fuck you in the asshole with a big rubber dick. This was un-fucking-called for. This is a travesty upon the original film (which is not considered a classic by Hugo purists as it is) and should be considered nothing less than an insult to those who worked on the first film. All memory of this "movie"'s existance should be electronically wiped from every person on earth, and all existing copies be shot by rocket directly into the sun.

1) Quasi is once again the hero, though now, he has a sidekick: Zephyr, the adventurous son of Esmerelda and Phoebus.

2) The villain is a traveling carnival gypsy magician who, thanks to Frollo being dead, is free to wander the French countryside. He wants to steal one of Quasi's bells, a bell never mentioned in the original film whose interior is lined in solid gold and covered in priceless jewels. Yeah, I could see Frollo allowing that to stay in the bell tower (Insert Eye Roll here.) While not a relative of Frollo, he is nonetheless a cliche villain, voiced annoyingly by Michael "Lenny" McKean.

3) "Love is blind," and "trust in love" are the morals here, much like they were in the first one.

4) These songs are utter SHIT. You will hate each and every one of them. The music is a complete travesty. God, I can't believe the original cast actually reprised their roles for this drivel.

Okay. Long story short, or in this case (since the movie's only 68 minutes long) short story shorter. Quasi is best friends with Zephyr. He takes the kid (who is voiced, once again, by Haley Joel Osment, who also did Jungle Book 2, AND the voice of Beary in the Country Bears Movie... multi-project deal, folks) to the carnival, where Quasi falls in love with the tightrope artist, voiced by Jennifer Love Hewitt (she sings a song here too, so you can imagine the suck factor.)

They fall in love, of course (there's some bedroom home movies I hope never make it on the net) running through Paris hand-in-hand ( a home porno movie joke and the word Paris in the same line, who'd a thunk it, eh?), catching rain drops in their mouths (this scene is unintentionally hilarious, as one might imagine... Quasi doesn't exactly have a face built for romance.)

But soon, his faith in his new love is shattered when he finds that she's in league with the evil magician, who is THIS close to getting his hands on that golden bell! (the machinations of how he gets it out of the tower, and hence out of Paris, are laughable at best.)

Eventually, she realizes how much she loves her frumpy new boyfriend and helps him save the day, and all is well (though for obvious reasons, Quasi will always have to be on top.)

And there you have it folks. Consider yourself well-informed come holiday movie buying time. Be forewarned though. Many new sequels are well on the way, as Disney is always looking to make a new buck. The new DTV movies in production or about to be released are:

Cinderella 3: (a real sequel rather than tv episodes this time)
Leroy And Stitch: (A sequel to Stitch: The Movie)
Bambi And The Prince Of The Forest: (starring Patrick Stewart as Bambi's old man)
Kronk's New Groove: (chronicling the further adventures of our bumbling Mayan henchman and cook... this one actually looks pretty funny.)

And it's also rumored that there's a new Hercules sequel, Dumbo 2, and a ... God help us... sequel to Snow White on the way.

If those come out, that would leave on the following films with no sequels:

Pinocchio
Saludos Amigos
The Three Caballeros
Make Mine Music
Fun And Fancy Free
Meoldy Time
The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad
Alice In Wonderland
Sleeping Beauty
The Sword In The Stone
Robin Hood
Aristocats
The Fox and The Hound
The Black Cauldron
The Great Mouse Detective
Oliver and Company
Treasure Planet

Scary to think that those are all that's left to be cannibalized, isn't it? Once those have been mined for whatever gold is remaining, Disney will either resort to making sequels to their upcoming NEW classics (Chicken Little 2, anyone?) or make their extra DVD buck by constantly re-releasing their DVDs with a new feature here and there (as they're doing with The Emperor's New Groove next month, and with Tarzan last month.)

They're unscrupulous money hungry bastards, every one of them.

Please, Roy. Either fix the leak in the boat, or jump back overboard.

-=7th=-