Actors Who Should Never Be Actors Vol. 1: Bill Goldberg
Posted by 7th on January 17, 2006

In all my years of movie watching, there have been numerous instances where I've watched a given performance (and keep in mind, I use the term performance loosely) and wondered aloud "why is this person getting acting gigs?"

Bridgette Nielson was one of them. So was Andrew "Dice" Clay. And by God, Hulk Hogan should have never been allowed on a movie set.

Movie producers seem to think that professional wrestlers make for natural actors. After all, that's what they do every monday night, right?

Yes and no.

Acting like a punch that missed you by a clear four inches knocked the wind out you and portraying a complex flux of emotional changes are two distant islands in a vast sea. Just because Steve Austin could pretend to break someone's neck doesn't mean he could play King fucking Lear, you know? Shit man, he made Don Johnson look good. HE MADE SONNY CROCKETT VIABLE.

Arguably, Duane "The Rock" Johnson has been the exception to the rule. While the Scorpion King has been his only "big" hit, the other films he's done have at least exhibited a general acting sense, and a gradual improvement from film to film. This contrasts with a career like Hogan's, which started out with Rocky III and went straight down from there in a steep drop that would make Sheikra look pale by comparison.

Somewhere in between those two points on the Wrestling actor scale is former WCW/WWE superstar Bill Goldberg. Goldberg's career in film began with his role in the poorly conceived, barely budgeted sequel to Jean Claude Van Damme's biggest hit, Universal Soldier.

The film was called (oh so originally) Universal Soldier: The Return. I won't get into the plot of how Van Damme's character from the original film survived, or the plot inconcistencies and downright shitty film production in play here. Let it simply be said that this is a prime example of an uneccessary sequel that, if made, at least needed the budget, director, and screenwriter of the original to make it even marginally worth watching. It had none of those. It just had an occasionally sober Van Damme, and Bill Goldberg. The movie was so bad, folks, that it made the tv movie/direct to video Universal Soldier films look good by comparison.

Bill played the brainless bad guy muscle of the film, Romeo. His role basically consisted of him stomping around the set doing his Goldberg scream in a 70's era "HULK WILL SMASH"/Godzilla through Tokyo vein. There were moments where he actually used weaponry, but you're never convinced that he actually knows what he's doing. Watching him fire a weapon in this film was akin to watching any given actor from any given 80's sitcom pretending to play video games (You know of that which I speak... you see them pressing buttons like mad on their Game Boy/Nintendo controller while the sound effects to the 2600 version of Pac-Man are piped in. You just knew they didn't know what the fuck they were doing.)

Shit, even Jesse Ventura was able to play a more convincing soldier than this back in '87 by simply saying "I ain't got time to bleed." You'd think Goldberg could at least pull something somewhat watchable out of his limited bag of acting tricks (a bag which consists of yelling and acting constipated. He'd have a great future in German porn.)

Needless to say, that shitwipe of a film wasn't exactly the catapult for Bill's acting career that he'd hoped it would be. Two of the movies he's been in since then (Ready To Rumble, produced by Eric Bischoff as a big budget, big screen insult to every wrestling fan who ever lived, and The Kid and I) had him playing himself, which still somehow came across as bad acting. Then, he did a "Hulk shows up in Muppets From Space" move and starred as a nameless piece of hired muscle in Looney Tunes: Back In Action. This was followed by yet another brainless muscle role in Sandler's remake of The Longest yard last year, where he played a grunt nicknamed "Battle."

So in those shoes, how does one follow that up and bring his career to the next level? Easy. By releasing to DVD a film that's been on the shelf for the last year, a movie that dares to mix Silent Night, Deadly Night with Santa With Muscles, a film so BAD that it's original debut was scheduled to take place on Spike TV.

Behold what is possibly the WORST Christmas movie ever made (and yes, I'm including Hogan's movie in there.) This purports to be a "horror comedy" produced by the mastermind behind the Rush Hour films, Brett Ratner, but the only humor in it comes from a few scenes with Dave "Take Off, eh!" Thomas, and several other scenes that are on a level of badness I'd previously thought to be unattainable. This is the kind of movie that makes you wish Neo would shove his fist into the chest of MST3K and bring it back to life. It's so unfunny it could learn a thing or two from the Jack Frost films. it's so humorless, it would make Woody Allen's snore-a-thon "Melinda, Melinda" play like a Farrelly Brothers film.

See if you can swallow this plot synopsis (and I swear to God almighty that it's all true.)

Santa Claus isn't who you think he is, kiddies. Ever wonder why Santa and Satan have all the same letters in their names? Well wonder no more. You see, Santa IS Satan! A thousand years ago, he lost a bet with an angel (he lost a curling match, of all things), the terms of which stipulated he must be a good little devil and bring toys to children on Christmas Eve every year for a thousand years. So yeah, he's been nice all this time, but he didn't mean a damn bit of it, folks. They say with Christmas gifts that it's the thought that counts. If that's the case, we're all in for a painful, agonizing and icky death, probably amidst the screaming of a lot of HO HO HO's.

I can just see the pitch now: "Hey guys! Let's make a new Christmas horror movie, and for the lead role, we'll hire a gigantic musclebound Jew!"

Counting the moments for the "Hell Comes To Hannukah" sequel, folks. Maybe Bill will play an evil Hannakah Harry.

Not that I have anything against Jewish people, but come on. Hiring one to play Santa Claus is like hiring Charles Manson to play St. Francis of Assisi.

As the film opens, Satan Claus's 1000 years of goodwill toward men is up, and he's looking to slaughter as many bad little Christians as possible on Christmas Eve to make up for lost time (again, I hate to play this card, but here you have a film with a giant Jew dressed as Santa Claus murdering little Christian kids. It's like Kryptonite for the politically correct.) He has his naughty list in hand, and he's taking them out one by one as he rides through town on a sleigh drawn by a "hell deer" (ie a big fucking YAK) to fill the halls of Hell with fresh souls.

I feel dumber for having written that paragraph.

The "Naughty and Nice" list is a prevalent plot device throughout the film (even the opening credits are a naughty and nice list, which is a vast lie in itself, as everyone involved in this movie deserves severe punishment.) As the cops trace Satan Claus's murders on a map of town, they soon realize that the pins on the map form the shape of a Christmas tree (even though he's mainly murdering bad kids. So if he killed good kids, what would his pattern be shaped like, a lump of coal?)

While all of this is going on, we meet Nick and Mac (Emille De Ravin from TV's "Lost", formerly of the short-lived teenage sci-fi drama "Roswell") two locals who feel compelled to stop Satan Claus's rampage. You see, Nick's grandfather (played by a very ancient looking Robert Culp) WAS the angel Satan lost the curling match to. But he fell in love, and gave up his immortality to marry Nick's grandma. (A guy named Nick. Angel who gives up eternal life for human love. Yeah, the screenwriter wasn't a big fan of Meg Ryan's work AT ALL.)

Eventually, with Grandpa's heavenly help, Nick happens across a book called the Book of Claus (God I can feel my IQ dropping expo... Exponen... shit, a LOT) that tells the entire story of how Satan became Santa, and how to defeat him. Convenient how, all along there was a "How to Defeat the Ultimate Evil" Cliffnotes book lying around for a thousand years, eh?

The film's got several established actors in it, which just confounds me. I suppose, for them, this movie was just a notch above selling their nick knacks and garbage on Ebay or sucking dick. The cast includes Dave Thomas from SCTV/Strange Brew (that one kind of makes sense, as his last big role was as a moose on Brother Bear), James Caan (last big role was also a Christmas movie, Elf, besides his TV role on Vegas, or whatever the fuck it's called), Fran Drescher (whose new sitcom is, let's face it, the TV equivalent to Chinese Water Torture, with enhanced audio torment), Kris Katan (the monkey guy from SNL and star of Corky Romano), and Rebecca Gayheart, an actress whom you could call a low rent Rose McGowan, what with her roles in Urban Legend, Jawbreaker, Scream II, and so on. She looks like someone ran Earl Hickey's ex-wife through a slut compactor.

In short, the cast is a cornucopia of has beens, never was's, and God-why-won't-they-just-die-already's. Add Goldberg to that pile, and you have a film destined to be a favorite with drinking game afficianados. "Every time Goldberg screams like a wild man, take a shot!"

I'm not going to bother telling you how it all turns out, because by doing so, I'd be robbing you of what little the film has to offer: seeing what asinine plot contrivance they throw into the mix next.

I can't see this movie taking Goldberg's post-wrestling career to any new heights. Depths maybe. Deep, deep subterranean depths. Doug McClure depths.
His only choice would be to either put the tights back on, or focus on his strength and do some real meaty character roles, roles like...

Jesus Christ in Passion Of The Christ 2: Fists Of Christ In Red! (ya gotta love the Fark forums, folks.)

Other than that, I think he's pretty much washed out. Guys like this get roles from their muscles and fanbase. When they drop out of wrestling, the fanbase withers, along with their muscles. Its an eventuality. Look at Ahnold. He wasn't even a wrestler, but when he started to show his age, ticket buyers stopped giving a shit. For Goldberg, it was just over before it could even start. He should just run back to McMahon and beg to job to Foley for a steady paycheck.

In the end, anything's better than his REAL first role, an uncredited cameo (and quite frankly, you should have seen this one coming.)

Welcome to the asylum, newbie.

-=7th=-