Guilty Pleasures
Posted by Caitlin on February 16, 2006

I know what you're thinking, guys: "Caitlin, how did you get so perfect and good looking, like you are?" and the answer is no, vampire day-time television doesn't REALLY exist.

Unless you count the fact that it exists CONSTANTLY in my brain.
I create the ammunition that fires from inside the gun of my imagination in one of two ways.

Sometimes I read books about vampires and werewolves, like those zany Anita Blake novels (Thank you Annabelle Bennet for introducing me to that source of shame of which I am most fond), but instead of a latina lady who totally "takes it to the limit" stabbing and shooting and wanting to molest all the good-looking ghoulies, I amend the storyline in my head to include episodes of Jerry Springer and Oprah.

"I'm Sleeping With Your Zombie Sister"
"You Are Not The Father Of Our Undead Child"
"Tom Cruise Jumping On My Couch"

...and so on.
Instead of stage brawls on Springer, they rip each others heads off and hump large pieces of meat that they tear from the dead bodies (I've never read or seen anything about vampires humping dead bloody body chunks, but it's my head, remember? We humps what we wants).

There are shows with trailer trash corpse incest drama and werewolves that receive awesome vacations from Oprah because of their disease that ruined all of their dreams (le boohoo).

I read these books usually when I can steal them or borrow them, and if you look at the website of Laurell K. Hamilton...(http://www.laurellkhamilton.org/) and just "browse" the books and view the book covers, you will undoubtedly respect me for trying to get through one of her novels.

Seriously.

"Obsidian Butterfly"
"Cerulean Sins"

I'm not even making those up! The fact of the matter is, these books are addicting. If any of you have ever been strung out on heroine, cue the flashbacks and unsettling memories now. There's a couple reasons why you can't stop once you start, but my favorite one is being my own author.

Mrs. Hamilton's books aren't really well written. It's like having half of a good story, constantly being ruined by the author's stupid (stupid to the limit) ideas about "independent women", "being quirky", and "modern fashion". You pretty much have to dress the characters yourself, because I refuse to believe that any badass heroine moved her BLACK ANKLE HIGH NIKES WITH THE BLUE SWOOSH THAT MATCHES THE PENGUIN ON THE SHIRT THAT COMES DOWN TO THE KNEES OF HER TAPERED (YES FOR CHRIST'S SAKE: TAPERED) FUCKING JEANS in any direction even mildly related to somebody's ass (also what the fuck is up with the fanny pack thing? Stop making them wear fanny packs!). Basically the clothes she describes are more likely worn by this woman.

YOUR UGLY AUNT: VAMPIRE HUNTER!

As for the dudes, you kind of have to give them all haircuts. NIX THE FABIO, LAURELL! Please! It isn't hot anymore, if it ever truly was in the first place.
Also, if I'm going to read about death and mayhem, please don't interrupt me stroking the gothic node in my brain with anecdotes about the main character's stuffed animal obsession. You might think "Yeah, this'll be a great way to make her seem vulnerable despite her tough exterior!" but nobody else feels that way. We just think she's creepy.

Like this lady:

Despite the ridiculous wardrobing, it isn't such a bad little story to follow, and besides all that, now I have something more modern than Bela Lugosi to reference when I watch actual day-time television.
Why would I simply watch t.v. when I can enhance it through the staggering and often earth shaking powers of my own mind juices? Jerry Springer is a ghoul, Judge Joe Brown is a jolly vampire, and Judge Judy...well, I have my own ideas that Judge Judy is second in command to Satan himself, Tom Jones.
This is the best way to live wrapped in Vampire Daytime Television dreamland, because I have the option of either a) muting the t.v. and creating my own "scintillating" dialogue (I feel bad about myself after using that word. Self esteem? Consider it lowered) or I can b) leave the sound on if I'm feeling lazy and just assume everyone is a monster.

Because vampires are awesome. And real.

Now at this point, you're probably wondering how something that exists for absolutely no other human besides myself and has remained up to this point unknown to the same population could ever be considered a serious guilty pleasure. My answer to you would have to be that I remain as awesome and good-looking as I do by lifting weights, some light jogging and a healthy diet of fruits and vegetables.