Guilty Pleasures: Capcom and Disney, sitting in a tree...
Posted by Spooky M on February 16, 2006

There are few partnerships that have made significant impacts on society. Bill & Ted, BJ & The Bear, Peanut Butter & Jelly, they all have magic. That said, nothing quite as magical as the relationship that was shared by Capcom and Disney on the NES. There was a spark there not unlike what you get when you piss on an electric fence, one that dazzles you and then leaves you laying on the ground with your pants down, in more pain than you've ever felt in your life. More than when you found out that you were an accident, and your parents couldn't afford the abortion. More still than that time you found out that the woman you were in love with used to be a man. I feel for you on the first one, but c'mon man, Look at the calves on that thing. And the Adam's Apple. How could you not have known? I left out certain games like "Disney Adventures In Magic Kingdom" and the sequels, because I only have so much attention span, and even this paragraph is killing it.

First up, Darkwing Duck. Quite possibly one of the greatest cartoons that ever graced the Earth. If there was one thing I didn't love about this show, I can't remember what it was, because all of the greatness has overshadowed it. The game translated very well, having most of the popular bosses, from The Liquidator to Steelbeak. My favorite was Quackerjack, because his sidekick Mr. Banana Brain was always the life of the party. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go look in a mirror and try to punch yourself in the face. If you're fast enough, you might get your fist through before the guy in the mirror raises his fist to block it.

Next up, Ducktales (Woo-ooh!). The show's premise wasn't exactly clear to me, but that really didn't matter. No one seemed to know where Huey, Dewie, and Louis' parents were, they just had Uncles all over the place. The show seemed to revolve around Scrooge and his money, and people trying to steal it, or other zany situations that interfered with his bin-swimming. On the NES, the plot was that someone had taken it all, and he was out to get it back. Fuck the police, he was going to handle this himself, mano-a-wing. I admire his courage, but c'mon Scrooge, you don't need to go all the way to outer fucking space to recover your cash. Get NASA off their asses and into a rocket.

The Little Mermaid. Quite possibly the hottest fish alive today. I've seen pictures on the internet that give her legs, and penii, and tentacles, and I can't find one that makes her less attractive. It simply cannot happen. I don't recall much about the movie, because I had my hands in my pants, and the audio on mute. I suspect that the game follows the movie in some way, and probably has the same characters. Maybe it's even set in the ocean, due to all the fish and what not. Again, I don't know, due to the hands in the pants and the mute.

Rescue Rangers. This show was interesting enough, due to the fact that evil villains around the world could not follow through with their twisted schemes, because a couple chipmunks, a rat, a mouse, and a fly stopped them. The average lifespan of a fly is 15 to 30 days. Zipper lived for how many years? Ok, Disney, talking rodents are fine, but flies that live forever just isn't believable. The game was pretty fun, being a clone of Megaman like all the rest of the Disney games, but with the ability to pick up and throw shit. Any game where chipmunks toss around balls is pretty good in my book. Gadget was hot, btw.

Talespin. What the Fuck, Disney? This show was garbage. You can't take characters from the Jungle Book, throw in the plot from Cheers, and suspect that no one is going to notice. First off, bears don't have thumbs, so they can't grip a steering yoke. Secondly, Kit had this magical surfboard thing, that he hid behind his head, that he used as a means to skip on clouds and shit. Let's not talk about this show anymore, let's just transfer all the hate to the game, which was garbage. It's not even based off of the Megaman engine. What the fuck, Capcom? You had a decent formula going until you fucked it up with this zany new shit. People like what they are comfortable with. If you throw something new at them, they'll hate it. Case in point, me.

Well, that's all the energy I feel like devoting to this. It's been an up and down adventure, and I'm glad to have owned a system that could bring together the greatest pair since Michael McDonald and Patti LaBelle. His voice was amazing, it had the ability to disintegrate panties upon the first four bars of a song. If I had that kind of power, I'd be walking around with a microphone and a camera, and I'd be on some other kind of site.