HEY SANTA!
Posted by Spooky M on February 26, 2006
I don't give a fuck that it's past Christmas time, the spirit of giving is all year round. That said, I dug up some letters to Santa that I found and thought I'd help the old fat red guy out and answer them for him. I'll even do him a two-for and Decide if they're nice or naughty, so he can have a couple less houses to visit on his yearly world voyage. Maybe I'm just mad that after all these years, I still haven't gotten my black and green PoGoBall. I was extra good, too. You jolly fucking son of a whore. Ok, you got me, I'm not in the spirit, whatever. Shut up and allow me to exact my revenge.
Whoa whoa, slow down. Who the fuck is "Santa Claas"? I'm assuming that this kid is about 6 to 8 years old, and when I was that age, I knew how to spell the name of the person I wanted something from. I can see that little Judith has already decided that she was a good girl, so I'll let that decision slide. She's not asking for much, but for fuck's sake, tell him what kind of candy you want. I don't want to sound like a dick, but I'd be pissed if I was asking for a peanut butter cup, and I got some gummy worms. You can't be so general, or you might end up with a dildo and a sack of hair. And what's this about a Christmas tree? What kind of parents do you have that don't even put up a tree? I'm on the phone with the child abuse agency and we'll get you into a home that gives a fuck. Mission accomplished.
Little Noah here apparently didn't read my last answer about being specific with your wants. Your dildo and hair package is on the way. Notice that he said "I emailed you too". This means that he has access to a computer, so he can probably pirate his own DVDs. I like that he added in that he wants to hug a reindeer, that's cute. When I was this little, I had no idea how to spell reindeer. I probably would've spelled it "rain deer" or "reigndeer" or maybe "raeigndere". There goes your books, Noah, you're too smart for your own good. Go sit in front of a TV for a couple of years, then get back with me. Go build an ark or something, fuck. I love you, too.
First off, don't use lined paper if you're not going to use the damned lines. Secondly, don't waste Santa's time with this crap. Do you realize how many letters this man gets? If all of them were filled with the same garbage that this nameless fucker stuffed his with, he'd have to hire on some elves to read them all. That takes away elves from making all the toys, but you couldn't give a shit about that, because you're not asking for anything. This kid makes it sound like Santa is out at some bar or something, and it's been years since you've seen him, and you just wish he would call or something, and he never does, and you cry yourself to sleep every night. Sorry kid, I already wrote this letter long ago, and it was to my dad. Next letter.
This kid knows what's going on. Make your letter stand out with all kinds of stickers and all that crap. Good job, Burlington dweller. He starts off by paying respect to Santa for the stuff he got last year, great strategy. You can never kiss too much ass when you're in the business of begging. It's great how he pinpoints the exact things he wants, and then makes sure not to sound like he's the most important little bastard in the world by adding "if possible" at the end. What a considerate little guy. I wish the rest of these little assholes were as cool as him.
Scott. Scott, Scott, Scott. I don't get it. I know you're 6, but what the fuck? Is that some kind of blue hand grenade? It looks like an apple that got raped by all the Smurfs, and they set it on fire as they ran out the door. I can't tell what the rest of the stuff this kid drew is. He wants a scooter? Fuck that, he needs some art lessons. Those scooters are gay anyway, and he'd probably just get his ass kicked at school and have it taken away. It happened to me, Scott, and I don't need you to go through that. Especially not with your career as a painter to fall back on. Scott rhymes with twat.
Oh, fucking great, another artist. That looks like two midgets fucking on top of a snowboard. You see it? Yeah, with the legs right there, and the green poop out there in front... Great stuff, Calum. You want some drums? Perfect, so now when you're not annoying your parents with your drawings, you can slay their eardrums with your awesome drumming skills. I guess you can have them, as long as you promise never to touch crayons again. I seriously almost just had like five heart attacks when I saw this. I've never wanted to smack a child, but this child, oh man. You're fucking lucky I don't have your address.
My kids will never know there is a Santa Claus. I refuse to have them begging for shit they don't need from someone who already has a ton of stuff going on. I hope you appreciate this, Santa, because I did it for you. If I don't get my PoGoBall this year, I'm going to board myself in a crate, mark it "North Pole", and FedEx myself right to "Punch your fat ass in the mouth"-ville. Seasons greetings to all, and a good night or something.
|
