I am the true World Warrior
Posted by Spooky M on March 06, 2006

I been everywhere, still I’m standing tall.
I’ve seen a million faces, and I’ve rocked them all.

Vega: I caught this little asshole in a bar in Spain. When I walked in, he was talking all kinds of shit. I walked up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder, he turned around, and turned pale white. He immediately started apologizing, but it was too late. I grabbed him by his hair and dragged him across the bar. When I threw him on the ground, his face was all cut up, and I decided to leave it alone. I grabbed a chair and broke it on a table, and started wailing on his body with the broken leg. A coupld swings after he passed out, I dropped the chair leg, and walked out. Adios, motherfucker.

Blanka: There I was, in Brazil. I got wind that Blanka was going to be around a certain area, so I hired a local guide to take me to him. The guide took me about halfway through the jungle, and then explained that he couldn't take me any further, because it was too dangerous. I paid him, and then slapped him in the face for being a bitch. I continued on my way, and a few miles past where the guide left me, I hear a rustling in the trees. I look up, and here comes Blanka, diving down from at least fifty or so feet up. I dive out of the way, and he hits the ground with a blow that would've surely killed me. I grab a vine and use it like a makeshift whip, striking him with it repeatedly. He grabs the whip and yanks me towards him. Instead of grabbing me like he wanted to, he catches a face full of foot. I hit him square in the nose, and he goes down. I use the vine to tie him up, and hang him from a tree. I left him there as am example to those who dare defy me.

Cammy: On a trip through England, I notice that I'm being followed. A small shadowy figure wearing a long parka. I'm not stupid, it's Summer, no one wears something like that unless they're trying to hide something. I dart around a corner and wait, and she comes around the corner quickly, trying not to lose me. She didn't expect the clothesline that knocks her to the ground. She collapses, and I throw the hood off. I really didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything. I just gave her a quick right cross to the face and left her unconscious body on the street.

Chun Li: On my travels through China, I encountered what many might call "The Strongest Woman in the World". Bullshit. I was minding my own business, eaten ramen at a small restaraunt, and she comes busting through the door. I continue eating, because I knew for sure that this crazy bitch wasn't interrupting my meal to come and try to kick my ass. I suck down some noodles and put my bowl down. She comes flying at me with some crazy spinning kick, I grab her leg, and break it in three places, and fling her to the ground. She looks up just in time to see my empty bowl smack her in the face. I pay my bill and leave. On the way out, I see a trio of teenagers dragging her body into a nearby van. Crazy kids.

DeeJay: Jamaica, a wonderful place. The clubs are awesome, except for when people like this come and try to rain on your parade. I'm on dance floor, getting my cabbage patch on, and he rolls up trying to act all hard. He pushes me from behind, and I turn around. We get face to face, playground style, and I catch a whiff of his breath, reeking like a combination of marijuana and stir fry. I give him a quick headbutt, he staggers back, holding his now bleeding nose. He tries to shake off the pain, but it's too late. I'm hurling billiard balls at him from a nearby table, and they all seem to be catching him right in the balls. After a half dozen, he goes down, clutching his bruised genitals. I'm still mad over him fucking up my groove, so I start kicking him in the stomach. After he vomits a nice healthy puddle on the floor, I walk away.

Dhalsim: This skinny fool didn't have a chance. He actually caught me in California, and it was quite a surprise, because I was wondering why the guy that ran the 7-11 was naked in the middle of the street. He calls me out, and I turn around, annoyed, to face him. He throws his arms at me with that stretchy Indian magic. I grab his left arm, bend it around a telephone pole, and run back towards him. He tries to stretch out his right arm out at me, but I duck it and tackle him low, at the legs, sending him to the ground. I drag his body away from the pole that I bent his arm around, like some kind of slingshot, and release him into traffic. I turned away, but all I heard was screeching tires and metal in an industrial symphony of pain.

E. Honda: Fat ass. I'm walking down the street in Japan, on the way to a friend's house, and I see this man in a noodle bar. It's hard not to notice him, because he weighs like 800 pounds. I walk in the door, unplug a phone from the wall, and wrap the cord around my hands. I dive onto his back, trying to get the cord around his neck, which was hard due to all of his chins. I finally get it around, and I latch on like a groupie at a Winger concert. He's crashing around, trying to get me off of him, and he backs me up into a wall. I black out for a second, it was like being hit by a car. I wake up to see him standing above me, arms ready for a strike. I remember what Van Damme did in Bloodsport, and go right for the balls. I give him a thunderous uppercut to the junk, he turns blue, and passes out. I stayed for a bit, punching him in various places, but it was like trying to pop a bouncy castle with a toothpick. I gave up.

Fei Long: This Bruce Lee wanna be was in a Karaoke Bar that I was strolling by, and the almost ear shattering rendition he was singing of "Born to be Wild" was simply more than I could take. I kicked the door in, the music stops, and he's on stage still harping away, acapella style. I run up to the stage, force the mic into his throat, and start slamming his face into the monitor that displays the lyrics. I picked him up Ultimate Warrior style, and give him a quick Gorilla Press before launching him behind the bar. He stands up slowly, drunk, and I break a bottle of Jim Beam across his face. He stayed down that time. Everyone in the bar was silent as I walked out, so I decided to lighten the mood a little bit. I grab the mic and do a quick "Slow Ride" before exiting the bar, to a round of applause.