Ten Undeniable Facts of Life
Posted by SugarRay on March 26, 2006

1. People at work are morons - You will always be the smartest person around, but no one realizes it but you. There are three types of people who will always be in charge of you, boss you around, get on your nerves, insult your intelligence, talk down to you until you let all your frustration explode in one big purple angerball. They are:

a) The college educated type who went to school and didn't learn anything practical but since he/she has a degree in something, anything, it somehow becomes their god given birthright to be in charge, get paid more to do less work, come in later and get off earlier.

b) The ultimate suck up. You know, the kind that was hired the same time as you, but sucks up to the right people, complains about everything but sounds insightful when he does. He becomes chummy with the boss and miraculously gets promoted without doing anything.

c) The airheaded chinadoll who has long legs and big boobs. The only thing she is good at is batting her eyes and some other things that are beneath my dignity to mention. But you can probably guess what they are.

These people have no idea what they are doing. They are rely on groupthink. They need to come to a consensus before they can do anything. Margaret Thatcher said that consensus is the absence of leadership. She was right. These types of people aren't real leaders. But there is nothing you can do about it. You can work your butt off and no one will notice you. The only thing you can do is throw a pie in someone's face, get fired and go work at the circus.

2. Coke is better than Pepsi - It's true. Coke is a real man's drink. You'll find Coke in more pickup trucks and other vehicle's of manly men and womanly women. Anybody who drinks Pepsi is a tool.

4. You're a Homophobe - Stop pretending. It's okay. Come out of the closet. I'm sure there are people out there who will accept you for who you are.

5. Nobody cares that you grew up in the Ghetto - Okay, so you had a rough childhood. Get over it. Stop thinking you are better than those of us whose parents actually had money and lived in nice neighborhoods. Everybody is getting a little tired of being accused of having everything just handed to us and how we don't know what it's like to be poor and that somehow makes us morally inferior and incapable of having an opinion on welfare. We're all grown up now and have to pay bills just like you, only our parents taught us how to save our money and not blow it on booze, clubbin', and useless junk for your car. It's your own fault you're broke now, so shut up!

6. Chinese Democracy is never coming out! - Accept it. Axl Rose has too many emotional and personal problems to actually complete an album that has been pending for a better part of a decade. But it isn't like that Velvet Revolver album was worth half a damn, either. The Guns N' Roses Era has been over for a long, long time. Let's just remember the good times. Where's your copy of Appetite for Destruction?

7. Scientology is Bullhonky! - While more and more celebrities are recruited to go fight the million year war for Earth, the rest of us are having a good time laughing at them!

8. Fat is the New Black - It is way cool to be fat these days. Ask anybody, then offer them a cheeseburger and some cake.

9. Getting married is for chumps - No, I'm not just saying that because I'm a 25 year old guy in a religion that expects you to be married by 22 at the very latest. What?! Don't look at me like that! I am perfectly capable of finding a girl then subsequently woo-ing her, taking vows and successfully impregnating her. Go away!

10. EVERYBODY drives and talks on their cell phones - Even you!

If you are one of these people who is always complaining about other people talking and driving and have a bumper sticker to that effect, then politely take your own cell phone and cram it someplace uncomfortable, you self righteous, preachy bastard! We all know your little secret! We know you that you like to think that you are the only person that isn't a bad driver when you are on the phone and that's how you justify breaking your own rule, you hypocrite. If you truly wanted to improve road safety, you would be lobbying to increase the speed limit to one hundred and twenty miles an hour.

That's all I've got for right now. Go kill yourself!

- SRD