Manly Music
Posted by SugarRay on May 13, 2006

Have you noticed anything about the music scene lately? Not me. I haven’t noticed much about it because I don’t really pay attention to it at all. I used to be a big music junky, but now it all seems to be jerks talking about releasing their bodily fluids on their girlfriends faces in degrading, non clinical terms. Freakin’ gross! I don’t want to hear about that, for crying out loud!

My question is, when did music become stringing a few beats together and talking about bustin’ caps in whitey rather than actually, y’know, playing instruments and singing?! I met this moron at my brother's house last year who told me that "anybody who can put two sounds together is a musician." His point was meant to defend rappers, but I said "I can wreck my car through the neighbor's front door, that would make all kinds of noise. Does that make me a musician?" Idiot.

I’d say that some of today’s artists need a lesson/butt kicking from some of the more manly musical figures of the twentieth century. These guys can play the gi-tar, sing their butts off, and would more than likely outlast any blowhard rapper in a f’real gunfight. They are just that manly.

Elvis Presley:The King! What an appropriate title. This guy single handedly changed the face of popular music forever. The roots of modern day country, rock, and R&B can be found in Presley’s work. Not many entertainers today would walk away from the amount of fame Elvis had to serve in the Army, but Elvis did. When he returned he found his territory had been pouched by the Beatles and the rest of the tea drinking crumpet eaters. But even the Beatles couldn’t hold Elvis back, as he had a very successful second golden age.

Manly facts – Liked deep fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Moved to Buenos Ares under the travel alias of Jon Burrows immediately after faking his own death in 1977, how awesome is that?

Johnny Cash: “Hello. I’m Johnny Cash.” And the crowd goes wild for the man in black. The entire hip-hop community can’t hold a candle to the awesomeness that was, and still is, Johnny Cash. Although he is considered predominantly country, he considered his music to share elements of rock, gospel, folk, blues, and bluegrass music. He was a true American songwriter/singer who loved his wife, family, and his God. During many shows in the 1970s, he preached to the crowd to turn to turn away from blatant sexuality and accept Jesus Christ. Just try to pick a fight with this guy. I dare you! Chicken!

Manly facts – Actually played live at Folsom Prison. He was also the voice of Homer Simpson's animal spirit guide, otherwise known as "Space Coyote." Beat that!

Garth Brooks:Think way back to the magical time known as the nineties. Bill Clinton was President, Friends was the number one show on television, and the Macerana and the Spice Girls were burning up the charts. But it wasn't all bad. The man in the hat roared onto the country music scene in 1989, and lit the world on fire with his mixture of rock and country. He was able to rack up over 70 hit singles, with manly names like "Rodeo," "The Thunder Rolls," "Wild Horses," and "The Beaches of Cheyenne." His live shows rival those of Kiss and Ted Nugent. On stage, the man is a crazed maniac with a headset, a guitar, and bottled water. He's retired more times than Hulk Hogan, and he still seems to be coming out with amazing unreleased material from his vault.

Manly facts – Admittedly, most of us would like to forget that whole "Chris Gaines" weirdness, but that doesn't make him any less manly! He married Trisha Yearwood, so he must be doing something right.

So there you go. Manly men. Manly music. If for some reason you think that criticizing the current hip-hop movement and saying that a few true gentlemen are more manly than they somehow makes me "intolerant" in some fashion, then please send me a self addressed stamped envelope so I can send you one of these: