WWE RAW Reflections - 17/09/2007
Posted by Al Creed on September 18, 2007

-Oh good, it’s the first RAW after a PPV! Statistically, RAW’s that surround PPVs are usually really weak, and considering, from the accounts I’ve read, that Unforgiven was a really bad PPV, this RAW should be… bad.

-We kick off RAW with a video package that conveys one message. John Cena wuvs his daddy. Immediately following, John Cena comes out to deliver a public apology. Is he going to apologize for being a bland, pedestrian babyface, when we all know he’s capable of being razor sharp on the mic? Nope, he’s apologizing for “Not being himself,” and basically being a Mr. Angrypants. Wow, ok. The face apologizing for beating up various heels? That’s… wow. Anyway, Cena is interrupted by The Coach (who’s theme intro, and I swear to god, sounds like someone masturbating furiously), who’s become a really, really dickish heel. Dickish in the good way. He’s booked Cena vs. Orton, but with a special surprise! It's Cena’s DADDY vs. Randy Orton! Damn, that's cold.

-So, wait a minute here. Shelton B. Ware hasn’t won a match in AGES, singles or otherwise. He was just soundly defeated last week. So, WHAT, exactly, entitles him to an Intercontinental Championship match? Is Jeff Hardy just THAT nice of a guy? Regarding the match, considering what both guys are capable of, it was really boring. Both are comfortable using high impact moves, but last night’s match was dominated by the All-Mighty Resthold. Seriously, I was zoning out during the match, it was so boring. I’m absolutely fucking serious, too.

-Diva Search crap.

-Seriously, they’re calling Cena’s dad “Mr. Cena?” Couldn’t they have at least TRIED to give him a first name?

-In the back, The Coach and Vince conspire on how to deal with Finlay’s Leprechaun… who is taped in a booster seat, because, for some reason, Vince thinks Finlay’s Leprechaun is an infant. I actually found the image of Finlay’s Leprechaun, taped in a boosterseat and wolfing down a box of cereal really funny. Somehow, the little scamp frees himself and runs off. These kind of antics might actually be awesome.

-Back from commercial, Johnny is begging his Daddy not to fight Randy Orton, but Daddy Cena’s all “RUCK FULES.” So, THAT’S where Cena gets his Superman bullshit from.

-Further in the back, Eurotrash Superstar is looking for Maria to berate and harass like Europeans do, but Jillian Hall says Maria dunna wanna. She then does a terrible impression of that awful Britney Spears fan video that’s floating around the Internet, and threatens us with another taste of her really bad gimmick. I really fucking hate it when WWE goes topical, I do.

-Even FURTHER in the back, we have Vince going NUTS over the fact that someone decorated his office with an “Irish” Theme. You might be thinking, Like I initially did, “HEY, VINCE IS A PROFESSED PROUD IRISHMAN! WHAT’S HE COMPLAINING ABOUT?!” Well, if you look closely, there’s not one HINT of anything to do with Irish Culture, except for Finlay’s Leprechaun (Who, coincidentally, has NO accent). Lucky Charms? Not Irish. The Notre Dame logo? Not Irish. UNICORNS? Ok, what the fuck? Anyway, the loveable scamp pops out and runs off, so the chase continues!

-We come back to Ringside for a…. FLAG MATCH! SURPRISE! Seriously, this came out of nowhere, considering that the participants (Hacksaw and Daivari) are seldom used. It felt more like a chance to give people a chance to boo a foreigner than anything. SPEAKING OF, don’t they bill Daivari from “Detroit, Michigan?” Didn’t they do a whole groundbreaking gimmick on how he was an American Citizen who just happened to have Middle Eastern Ancestry AND believe in the teachings of Allah? Why would be trying to win the flag of a nation he’s not a citizen of? Who cares! BOOOOOOOOOOOOO! FOREIGNER!!!!!!!!!!

-Backstage, Cody Rhodes is trying to convince The Coach to let him pinch-hit for Cena’s dad, because he has his own beef with Orton. I call that pretty nice, logical booking. Coach is all “NUH UH,” and wanders off… Only to be confronted by CENA MAD, who intimidates… I mean, makes Coach remember that Cena has a match tonight, and if he wins, Orton-Daddy Cena is cancelled. Who is his opponent? IT’S A MYSTERY! AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

-After the break, we have that sneaky old Vince trying to put Finlay’s Leprechaun up for adoption! I gotta say, Finlay’s Leprechaun has the most adorable “Sad :-(“ face ever. You could just hear the “AWWW” audio track from a sitcom, everytime the camera panned on Finlay’s Leprechaun. The Leprechaun would have NONE of being adopted (Is Vince even legally allowed to do that? Let’s forget, for a moment, that in real life, the Leprechaun is AT LEAST 18 years old, the age of majority, therefore inelligable for the adoption process… But, since the Leprechaun is not an Orphan (it has been established that he does have a Mother), Doesn’t Vince need the approval of the Leprechaun’s mother to even make this whole Adoption thing legal? Who cares, LOOKIT! THE WEE ONE BIT THE GUY ON THE ASS! Speaking of toilet humour….

-Here’s WWE’s resident Teen Comedy Superstar, H’s Threefold! Apparently, it was those H’s who decorated Vince’s office in such a unfounded stereotypical way! Oh that wacky prankster! After about what seems like an eternity of sex jokes, capped off with The H’s saying “Jack Off” and “penis” clear as day (Yet, “Jackass” being bleeped for some reason…), Vince announces the next match… The H’s vs….

-CADE AND MURDOCH! HEY WAIT A MINUTE!!! Didn’t Vince try this approach before? Siccing Cadoch on DX last year? And didn’t it fail miserably? Well, it failed miserably again, with Cade being beaten by The Spinebuster (Not good enough for the Pedigree? This reminds me of the time The H’s beat Jeff Hardy with a SLEEPERHOLD). Which leads to Carlito running in for the Triple Team On Triple H, which THEN leads to Londrick running in for the save, which leads to… The H’s squashing Londrick for no reason….

-RANT TIME. OK, WHAT. THE. FUCK. What the FUCK was the point of Triple H squashing Londrick, who just ran in to help him! First of all, THEY’RE BOTH FACES. POPULAR FACES, TOO. Second of all, WHAT DOES IT DO FOR ANYONE??? Seriously, you do this kind of thing when you’re trying to turn someone heel! And the Crowd was as confused about the whole thing as I was! I call a lot of stuff on this show “pointless,” but the Londrick squad was MOTHERFUCKING POINTLESS. It only made Londrick look stupid, and helped NO ONE. It totally and completely ruined this TV segment too…

-Not that it was starting out very great either. I’m getting REALLY fucking sick of these commercial breaks interrupting matches. This segment, we’re brought into the match HALFWAY. How the FUCK am I supposed to care about a match that’s halfway finished? Hell, I refuse to even watch movies, Movies that I’ve already seen, if I’m coming into it halfway through. I don’t know about you, but if I don’t get the whole story, from beginning to end, I just don’t care. WWE REALLY needs to reorganize their production team, this shit is getting on my nerves.

-ANYWAY, back to the show!! We get a Diva’s Tag Match… with my new Favourite women’s wrestler, Beth Phoenix, out on the floor. I’m glad they brought M

-In the back, Vince is on his way out, probably having his fill of Leprechaun antics tonight, and climbs in his limo. Coach promises to find Finlay’s Leprechaun, and does… in Vince’s Trunk! UT OH, SPAGHETTI-O!

-Back from commercial, we have John Cena vs. his mystery opponent…. EUROTRASH SUPERSTAR!! Oh God. Typically, Cena beats the crap out of Eurotrash Superstar,, until he’s interrupted by Orton, and Cena wins by DQ! Before I could get a chance to say “WTF?”, The Coach comes out to tell everyone that he forgot that, in order to win his Daddy’s freedom from having to face Randy, he had to win by PINFALL. OH that Coach, he’s a regular Forgetful Jones! Cena is cuffed to ringside, so he can’t stop…

-Orton vs. Cena’s Daddy. Why, oh why, did Randy go to the back, only to come back out not 3 minutes later? Anyway, as one would expect, Orton throws around Cena’s Daddy like a toy, taking some really sick looking bumps. Cody Rhodes tries to play the hero, but is beaten for his efforts (nice touch, really). Cena eventually dismounts the turnbuckle, but not before Randy delivers one SICK looking RKO. The show closes with Cena and Orton staring at each other, while the crowd breaks out into a rousing chant of “YOU CAN’T WRESTLE.” Um, Ok? Nashville, the Smark Chants only work during a match, NOT after. I appreciate the effort, though.

All in all, this was kind of a reverse show. The angles were, mostly, actually… dare I say… Good. I kind of enjoy the Vince-Leprechaun thing, I really do. For the first time ever, I liked how they used Cody Rhodes. And, the whole thing with Coach being an INTELLIGENT evil boss was nice. The wrestling, though, was ugh. I really, really don’t like one-sided matches, and this show had three of them (although one had a twist ending). Jeff Hardy vs. Shelton B. Ware was about as fun as watching white paint dry, and the best match of the night, scary as it is, was the Diva’s match. The one thing that hurt the show, for me, was The H’s bust burying Londrick. I’ve talked a lot of shit about Triple H burying people for no good reason, and some have argued with me. However, I DARE one of you who reads this, and is a Triple H fan, to convince me that there was a logical reason WHY Triple H should have pummeled Londrick. I DARE YOU.

-Oh, by the way, there will definitely be no RAW Reflections next week. Why not? Because it’s my Birthday next Monday, and as a birthday present to myself, I’m not going to submit myself to a show with great potential of ruining my day. If you need your RAW Comedy recap fix, go read James Guttman, or something. Send your birthday cards to tcrcomix@gmail.com!

-END.

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