2007 Yearbook, Parts 1 & 2
Posted by SugarRay on November 29, 2007
2003 was a great year. The website had started just in time for the war and the 2004 pre-primaries. Lots of fun stuff to write about with Howard Dean and the rest of the nine dwarves saying all types of stupid craps. But when the year ended, so did Howard Dean's reign and we were left with John Kerry. While Kerry was a fun distraction, it just wasn't the same without ol' Howie.
This year was just as much fun, if not MORE fun than 2003. Mainly because we have morons from both sides of the aisle trying to slide into the White House in the most wide-open Presidential race since 1928, which was the last year neither a sitting President or Vice President was out there throwing mud with the rest of them. I took 2003 and Howard Dean for granted, I am not going to do the same for 2007. With the Iowa Caucus less than seven weeks away, I would like to take this time to slap together a yearbook with all the familiar faces that we may never hear from again. Here are the ones that made this year so memorable in 100 words or less.
Part 1 -The Democrats
Main Issues: Universal Healthcare and Global Warming
Hillary Clinton - She's the best at throwing mud, but the worst at taking it. She portrays herself as a strong woman as long as you don't ask her any tough questions and insist she take a stand on any given issue beyond her talking points and pandering platitudes. Bill is her biggest asset and also her biggest liability, but we won't know it until the general election when Republicans will have to pull out all the stops to beat her. A hardcore power hungry socialist, she will do anything, destroy anything and anybody to get back into the White House.
Barack Obama - Barack is a rookie Senator, with less than three years of practical experience of national policy. But he's "the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean," according to Joe Biden and "The Magic Negro" according to the L.A. Times, so that makes him infinitely more qualified than, say, Ken Salazaar (D-CO), the only other rookie Democrat elected in 2004. His silver tongue is not going to be enough to beat out Hillary, as even now his inexperience is showing and it has become glaringly obvious that he is in over his head.
John Edwards - Despite looking pretty, John Edwards is the ultimate slimeball of the pre-primary season. After playing Veep on the ill-fated Kerry campaign, he left the Senate and began his own trek towards the White House once again, as if failing to get the Democrat nomination and then failing to become the Vice President somehow makes you more appealing the second time around. Edwards disgusting strategy is to use his wife to do all his mudslinging because if anybody criticizes her they can defame them for picking on someone with cancer then fundraise off it. How much lower can one really go?
Bill Richardson - Bill Richardson doesn't really have much to go on. He's the governor of New Mexico. Big whoop! The only thing that separates him from the rest of the pack is the fact that he's Hispanic. Again, big whoop! He's no Matt Santos, and Matt Santos doesn't even exist! I'm surprised he's stayed in this long, which leads me to believe he is merely auditioning for Hillary's Veep.
Dennis Kucinich - I am so glad Dennis decided to give it another try this year. I really, really am. In 2003, he was the comic relief and has played that same role this year. Beyond that, though, he is the only Democrat who unapologetically says what he really thinks and where he really stands. He doesn't pander and he doesn't flip-flop, which is probably why he is so far behind in the polls. When people find out what Democrats really believe, they go running and screaming. And that whole UFO thing was priceless.
Joe Biden - Joe Biden is the only Democrat in the field who is actually Presidential. He has experience and common sense. But he is also a boring white guy, and that's not what the Democrats want. They want to show off their diversity and open mindedness by nominating a woman (Hillary), a black guy (Barack), or a flaming metrosexual (Edwards.) Boring white guys like Biden have no chance on the Presidential level in the current Democrat party climate.
Part 2 - The Republicans
Main Issues - Immigration, Iraq, and who can say they are "like Reagan" the most
Mitt Romney - The Stormin’ Mormon has really come into his own in the last few months. Instead of looking like Rudy’s second fiddle, he is looking more and more like a contender. He has been plagued by flip flops and more than a few attacks on his religion. He was elected Governor by the one of the Bluest states in the Union as a Republican, that says something. However, personal attacks on Rudy make him look childish in a lot of ways. Look for him at the convention. If he doesn’t get top billing, he would make an outstanding Veep.
John McCain - John McCain IS Presidential. The main beef I have with him is his support of illegal immigration, and in that aspect he is no different than President Bush. Being strong leader in the war on terror is more important, and we have an entire Congress to harass about immigration reform. He knows how Washington works and knows how to get things done. The downside is looks too old and fragile, and he is a loose cannon. He won’t get the nomination because of his lack of energy, not because of his lack of convictions.
Fred Thompson - A Hollywood phony who talked a big game while everybody else was out campaigning. The point of this was to create an aura of mystique around him. When he finally entered the race, bandwagon followers in tow, he decided to announce on Leno instead of actually going to the Republican debate. It shows you where is real priorities are: style before substance. In the end, he is just another stiff suit and if the GOP nominates him, we deserve to lose.
Ron Paul - The Dennis Kucinich of the Republican party. Actually, he isn't really a republican at all. He is a libertarian. He moved out of the lower tier by actually saying something different, even though much of what he says is either insane or foolish. But you have to give him credit for not screwing up the Republican's chances in the general election and not running as a third party candidate, which would basically hand the Clintons the keys to the White House next November. Has that ever happened before?
Mike Huckabee - The only one of the lower tier candidates who is showing any signs of life, weak as they may be. Has no chance of becoming POTUS, the best he can hope for is to play VEEP for Mitt or Rudy in hopes of bringing in the Southern Christian/Conservative Base vote in the general election.
Rudy Giuliani - There is a reason why a Rudy sticker is featured so prominently on SRD.com. He is the best man to lead the Republicans to victory and the best man to lead the country after President Bush leaves office. He turned New York around and can do the same for America. While he may not be a “true conservative,” he shares a positive vision for the future of the United States that everybody can get behind. That is why I support Rudy. That is why we should nominate and elect him to be the next President of the United States.
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