WWE RAW Reflections - 03/12/2007
Posted by Al Creed on December 04, 2007

-God damn, I feel quite the negligent father here. An explanation is needed, and deserved. For those of you who don’t know me, in real life, I’m an Honours History student in my third year of University. Every November, the school enters into what I call “Essay Season,” where every class assigns the due date of its respective major paper sometime within this cold and miserable month. This year, I literally had an assignment due every week, each accounting for 8-12 pages in length. As such, I unfortunately neither the time, or in some cases, the energy to do my RAW Reflections (RAW is JERICHO was an obvious exception). For that, I apologize. Last Friday, regular semester ended, meaning, No More Essays. I’m back. ;)

-We kick off the show with Jericho RIGHT off the bat. Thankfully, he chose not to illustrate his point with pictures of Cookie Monster this time. Instead, in what came off as a BLATENT shill for the WWE Mobile service (yuck), the world (read: the dozen or so who are actually subscribed to WWE Mobile, I can only assume/hope, and are too simple for the Internet…) found out that, INDEED, Jericho and Randy will get it on at Armageddon. Keep in mind this match was publicly booked last week, after the Cameras stopped rolling. WHY, OH WHY, is WWE booking storylines OFF-CAMERA? Whatever. Randy comes out to heel it all up in Jericho’s face, but Jericho reminds Randy that, one time, Jericho was one of the best heels WCW had to offer. Before fisticuffs break out, Regal comes out and puts a stop to it. Also, he feels lazy tonight, so Jericho and Orton will book each other’s match tonight. Jericho v. Umaga I, and Orton v. Michaels XXXIV. Splendid.

-Back from break, we have the old, time-tested, feud build up: the Tag Match in which feuding wrestlers are pitted against each other, Mickie James and Maria against Melina and Beth Phoenix. However, we get Beth Phoenix completely dominating and getting a CLEAN PIN on Mickie James in record time. WOW. Just, Wow. So, what about that Women’s Title Match? I mean, Melina’s interference was minimal at best, and this isn’t a case of Mickie being an Underdog; Beth just walked all over Mickie. Way to book a PPV!

-In the back, Nadd Grisham is with Old Man Hickenbottom, cutting one of his old guy promos, when he’s interrupted by THE GIANT, ANGRY HEAD OF KEN KENNEDY! Seriously, that was a fucking awesome visual, of Ken Kennedy’s sour face popping up on the screen behind Shawn. It would have been TEN TIMES better if Shawn jumped when Kennedy shouted his name, but oh well. After the break, Kennedy has a special surprise from Shawn’s past…. Oh boy.

-Back from Break, Kennedy’s surprise is… he has invited a special panel of Shawn’s old Friends/Enemies to get to know Shawn a little better. First up is HOLY SHIT MARTY JANNETTY IS OUT OF PRISON?? THIS MUST BE LIKE HIS 23RD CHANCE WITH THE WW-Oh wait, it’s a fake Jannetty. Oh boy, this won’t end well. We’re also treated to fake Razor II (complete with Smarky jab at Scott Hall no-showing TNA’s PPV Sunday night that only half of the audience, at most, would have understood) and fake Diesel II. It would have been cooler if they got the REAL fake Razor and Diesel, but I think the fake Razor is wheelchair bound, and the fake Diesel is, well, Kane. Anyway, we’re also treated to a fake Shawn Michaels on top of all this, and Shenanigans commences… until the REAL Shawn comes down and breaks up this monkey business, because he thinks the use of atrocious imposters to embarrass a rival is NOT funny.

-Unless it’s a midget in a Bret Hart mask.

-In the back, Vince has booked some HUGE talent appearances for RAW’s 15th Anniversary show! We have HULK HOGAN (So, come crawling back, eh?), MICK FOLEY (again? Oy), ERIC BISCHOFF (yay), STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN (HOLEE SHIT STONE COLD? I HAVEN’T SEEN STONE COLD IN… weeks…), and TRISH STRATUS (eh… could be good). Also, next week, the NEW McMahon family is getting a family portrait done… IN THE RING. Wow, ok. After all of that, once again, Vince books another one of these “Tough Love” matches for Hornswoggle. This week, he faces the dominating duo of… The Coach and Carlito. RATINGS! After this, The Leprechaun gets on a cell phone and calls someone. Ghostbusters?

-In the back, Vigo The Carpathian (decked out in his Shao Khan T-shirt) demands to know why Regal booked him against his BFF, Jeff Hardy. Apparently, it was for two reasons. First, the winner gets a shot at the WWE Title at the Royal Rumble. The second, Regal wants to see how Those H’s fare against an opponent that The H’s is friends with. This doesn’t phase the H’s. He vows to go through anyone, including his mother and his own FATHER IN LAW! GET IT? BECAUSE THE H’S IS MARRIED TO VINCE’S DAUGHTER IN REAL LIFE! AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA aren’t inside jokes THE FUNNY?

-Back from break, Jericho vs. Umaga! The match was not terrible, but GODDAMN was it slow-paced. Jesus, they could have picked it up just a LITTLE. And seriously, NO MORE NERVE PINCHES. Also, SHAME ON JIM ROSS for forgetting the name of the Lionsault. SHAME. The match was ended when Randy Orton came out and RKO’d Jericho. THAT’LL show him!

-Next week, the greatest RAW superstar of these past 15 years will be announced! They had a whole picture of various faces from WWE’s past. WHO WILL IT BE? Will it be the guy who faked health problems just to get out of his contract and get the fuck out of WWE? Will it be the guy who quit WWE and jumped to TNA because WWE slapped him with an unjust 60-day suspension? What about the Hall of Famer who absolutely refuses to work any sort of angle for WWE? Will it be the supposed budding action star that a certain owner’s son-in-law hates? My money is on the girl who quit wrestling to form a mediocre rock band…

-Coachman and Carlito vs. Hornswoggle… didn’t happen because Hornswoggle hired the APA. I can only assume this was a way to hype next week’s RAW 15th Anniversary show, with a “HOLY SHIT GUYS, DO YOU REMEMBER THIS?” kind of thing. I highly doubt that the army of greasy, BO-ridden preteens doesn’t. I gotta say, regardless of my feelings on Bradshaw, or empty nostalgia, a good-ol’ fashioned shit kicking is fun to watch. Also, god DAMN, how old must those APA shirts be? Also also, is it JUST me, or is Coachman getting really doughy?

-Stop giving Snitsky opportunities on the Mic. He’s not good at it. In fact, I would prefer you keep him off television altogether. At the best of times, his look is completely bland and non-descript. At the worst of times, he’s completely disgusting.

-Yuck, Snitsky vs. Hardy for the Intercontinental Title. HEY KIDS, remember when they actually cared about the Intercontinental Title?? SO DO I! How I miss those days. At least the IC Champion gets regular television time, which is more than I can say for the Tag Champs. I actually had to stop and think to remember who they were. Cadoch, btw. Anyway, Jeff Hardy beats Snitsky clean, kind of, sort of undermining the whole MONSTER RAR thing. After the match, Snitsky does an EWR beatdown, only to have the H’s come in and save Jeffy. BEST FRIENDS FOREVER!!!

-And ever and ever! <3

-In the back, Jillian is butchering a Christmas Carol, until Vince basically tells her to piss off. Good call. Regal then comes in and gives the worst news of the night. STEPHANIE IS ON HER WAY TO THE ARENA. NO!

-MAIN EVENT TIME. PLEASE, OH PLEASE let this be the finale of Orton v. Michaels. Not saying that their matches are terrible, it’s just, really, give it a rest. It was a decent main event, and that sick Superkick to the Timekeeper spot was pretty brutal. Unfortunately, the ending was a revealed just a bit, when Shawn started stamping his foot halfway between the turnbuckles, and not in the corner like he usually does. What was he prepping for? A Kennedy Run-In! Wow! He’s good. Not only did he know that Kennedy was coming out, but the EXACT trajectory that he was using! … anyway, post match, we have a Jericho-Orton brawl as we fade to…

-OH FUCK STEPHANIE MCMAHON! She’s come to warn Daddy that she thinks, considering who will be on RAW next week, that Vince will end up having the shit beat out of him, with another lame, inside joke dropped. This time it’s about Al Snow. Nyuck nyuck nyuck. Vince snaps at Stephanie all of a sudden, saying he likes confrontation. Oh man, he’s going to be a peach when he reaches the next stage of his dementia…
-Overall this show was absurd and ridiculous. It wasn’t terrible, it was just… I can’t think of a more apt description than “Absurd.” The Inside jokes were lame and the skits (especially the Kennedy-Fake New Generation Guyz thing) were really hammy. The wrestling, for the most part, was alright. Nothing ground breaking, but alright. One question I have is, where was Ric Flair tonight? I don’t like the guy one bit, but why was he nowhere to be found tonight? I mean, they started a whole angle with him, strike while the iron is hot, and such.

END.

Al Creed’s WWE RAW Reflections is a satirical and analytical review of WWE RAW, and should never be taken as a serious or legitimate attempt at reporting. WWE RAW Reflections can be read on TCR Comix, ClassicFigs.Com, and The 7th Level.