WWE RAW Reflections: 21/01/2008
Posted by Al Creed on January 22, 2008

-I guess I have some ‘splaining to do, where the reflections have been for the past 4 weeks. Opting not to bother with the “Holiday Themed” RAWS (I wasn’t home New Year’s Eve, and making fun of the Christmas in Iraq show would have been too tasteless, even for me), and being REALLY busy the past two weeks, RAW (and my site in general) saw a rash of inactivity. Well, This week, this impromptu hiatus ends…

-And what better way to make my return, than the episode RAW goes High Definition! Yeah, I’m not calling it HD, because HD sounds like some sort of venereal disease.

-RAW High Definition kicks off with your rehashed Martin Luther King Day! Because, if you didn’t know already, Vince was quite the foot soldier in the days of the Civil Rights Movement…

-The new RAW intro looks cool and silly at the same time. Like The giant face of The H’s presiding over the digitized version of New York City.

-WOW. I have to say, whoever designed the new RAW set deserves a raise and a cash bonus. For as long as I’ve been writing this column, I have complained about the ridiculousness of the RAW set. I hated EVERYTHING about it, most of all, its Parallelogram theme. It was just so cartooney. Now, the new RAW set is slick, animated, and really nice to look at. I also like how they kind of shrunk the stage. It works really well.

-Who does WWE send out to kick off their new High Definition programming initiative? OLD MAN HICKENBOTTOM!! Sweet, now he looks even OLDER than before! And his balding spot was more noticeable too. Age jokes aside, it was a good idea to kick off this supposed new era of RAW with Shawn vs. Ken Kennedy. It’s a hot feud, both can wrestle VERY well, and it made for a good opener. Also, I really liked the ending of this, the whole teasing of the Superkick and such. I have reiterate, though, Shawn looks MUCH older in High Definition.

-Backstage, we learn exciting new things from Randy and Vince’s conversation! Like how Randy Orton has the professional mentality of a 11 year old! Like how Vince McMahon is SECRETLY suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder! And like how oblivious both men are to the BROADCAST VIDEO CAMERA that is oh-so-subtly airing their (I can only assume) top secret scheming against Jeff Hardy for the world, and (I can only assume) Jeff Hardy, to see!

-GUESS WHAT! WE’RE IN SOMEONE’S HOMETOWN TONIGHT! You know what that means! The Hometown Hero gets humiliated! YAY!!! Who is it this time? Why, It’s Mickie James, WWE’s most over female face! Let’s feed her to Beth Phoenix, THAT’LL MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY, AND LOOK GOOD ON TELEVISION! Ugh. I like Beth Phoenix and all, but c’mon, let the hometown hero win once in a while. Even by countout or something! Doing this sort of thing (not just to Mickie James) doesn’t create Drama, it just makes the audience in attendance unhappy.

-In the back, Nadd Grisham is with Vigo the Carpathian, wearing his oh-so-cool Shao Khan/Vlad the Impaler T-Shirt. Man, those forehead blading scars look more noticeable in High Definition. The H’s favours us with a history lesson about Royal Rumbles, and guarantees that he’s gonna win. EXTREME CLOSEUP! Look closely, you can count the razor scars.

-Further in the back, Brian Kendrick and Cody Rhodes are discussing the Rumble, until Bob Holly’s all “HAY YEW GOT MAH BACK TO-NITE YEW PUNK KID? HAWDA YAH LIKE ME NAH?” Brian Kendrick tries to explain MySpace and the Internet to Bob, who gives me the impression that he never made it past FreeCell, to no avail. GAT DANG IT, BR’AN, IT’S A SERIES OF TUBES!

-The video package of Randy Orton they aired was REALLY nice… until some Non-Descript radio-friendly metal band interrupts and ruins it all. Nice work, garage band!

-You know, I always thought that a stable of Regal, Finlay and the Highlanders would be pretty cool. Hornswoggle and Finlay vs. the Highlanders was not. Not in the least. It lasted no more than 2 minutes, and made the Highlanders look even more stupid than WWE Creative usually makes them. We could have done without this.

-Last week: JBL bragged about how he almost lynched Chris Jericho the week before. He also spoke to Jericho’s kids via broadcast television. Seriously, that segment last week ran at 10 O’Clock. Jericho’s oldest kid is 4, and the set of twins aren’t even two yet. Chris Jericho lets his toddlers stay up past 9?

-…Apparently so, because Jericho is here, and he has a message! Jericho’s 4 year old saw the show, and was completely devastated that the bad man in the cowboy hat might be right! Now Jericho is MAAAAD. A REALLY intense promo that would have been better served as a video, as the live audience didn’t know how to react to it, it seems.

-In the back, Vince is SCOLDING Jeff Hardy for doing EXACTLY the kind of thing WWE has promoted him for, for the past 7 years. The taking unnecessary risks and such. Vince wants Jeff (who has REALLY improved his vocal skills, btw) to shake Randy’s hand to “get people talking,” to which Jeff replies that he’s going to do something, in a pseudorebellious sort of way.

-OH GEE, Brian Kendrick vs. UMAGA in a Royal Rumble Qualifier. WHO WILL WIN THIS ONE? Will it be the skinny twig guy that WWE uses only when they remember he’s on the roster, or the guy WWE has invested so much money and time in portraying him as an unstoppable monster? Kendrick got some nice looking offense, but you could smell the outcome of this one three townships away.

-In the back, Mickie James is having an emotional breakdown, while Maria is trying to console her in the way females do. However, “Captain Oblivious to everyone else but herself” Ashley Massaro (Who is wearing a nametag, to remind people who the fuck she is) thinks this is the ABSOLUTE BEST time to approach Maria about posing for Playboy. Wow, way to be fucking heartless, bitch. Mickie James is sobbing in the fetal position, and all you can think about is “OH HI HUGH HEFNER WANTS TO OFFER YOU THE DEAL OF A LIFETIME! SIGN THE DOTTED LINE MARIA!” Eurotrash Superstar shows up, and so vainly assumes that Hefner wants to give him a lifetime subscription to Playboy. As if Hugh Hefner knows who Santino Marella is…

-On some other network (NBC I think), Vince is going to guest star on that show Donald Trump does. I guess months of inane bickering, along with being publicly humiliated on pay per view at your greatest creation don’t mean a thing, when a chance to stick your giant nose on Network television is offered…

-Jeff Hardy gets his own video package, complete with wussy, non-descript radio-friendly pop rock band. Randy’s video was better.

-I fucking hate Bob Holly matches. I don’t know how he does it, but he just has this ability to suck the energy out of the arena, whenever he wrestles. I think it mostly has to do with the fact that he sucks and has no charisma. Didn’t care about this match.

-January 2002: The H’s returns after a year-long quad injury, steamrolls over everyone in the Royal Rumble, and proceeds to engage Chris Jericho in one of the WORST WrestleMania main event feuds EVER. Ah memories. Heh, Kurt Angle looks SO goofy with hair.

-YOUR MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING… The H’s vs.… THREE PEOPLE! In a Royal Rumble Gauntlet! First is Snitsky, who looks even more gross in High Definition. Gone. Next… Mark Henry? God, I haven’t seen him in so long, I forgot how much of an ape he looks like. Out. And finally… I had predicted Big V or whatever his name is now, but instead, Regal figured he’d get the job done himself! Yeah, that worked out. And now, the H’s is going to the Rumble. Yay.

-Didn’t care about the Main Event promo. A Daily Show with Jon Stewart was on. And I figured it would turn into heavily scripted chaos anyway.

-All in All… a decent show for their new, High Definition Era. The new set was a VERY nice touch, and some of the matches didn’t suck the big one. Even though I’m sick of “Hometown Hero Humiliation” shit, Mickie vs. Beth was good, but I kind of expect the two best female wrestlers WWE has to put on a good match anyway, so I hope it goes without saying. And Brian Kendrick vs. Umaga, with a HIGHLY predictable ending, saw good action and such. However, I still say that Holly SUCKS, and the Highlanders squash was not necessary.

As well, what was the point of the Triple H Gauntlet anyway? First of all, The H’s trashes RAW’s set last week in a fit of rage, so Vince punishes him by… Giving him a Royal Rumble Qualifying match. And then, with this whole teasing of “WILL HE DEFY THE ODDS” thing… they have him run roughshod over his opponents, with the anti-climatic finish with Regal. I would have been much happier with Big V, actually. And that’s saying something. I know the H’s is supposed to be real strong and tough and such, but even Superman had his ass handed to him sometimes.

-END

Al Creed’s WWE RAW Reflections is a satirical and analytical review of WWE RAW, and should never be taken as a serious or legitimate attempt at reporting. WWE RAW Reflections can be read on TCR Comix and The 7th Level.