 (The 7th Level) | John
Smith (1995)
Animal
Outfit: Breastplate / Richard Gere's Face / Fabio's Hair Tagline: "Are you a cop? Are you 18 or older?" Plot summary: John Smith ventures to the New World with Ratcliffe searching for gold, and instead finds love and a better understanding of the world around him in the form of the Native Princess Pocahontas. He also learns about the virtues of statutory rape, as old Pokie gets a good taste of what she comes to call "The Plunderer's Position." But alas, like all illegal loves, theirs is not meant to be. In the end, she throws herself upon Smith to save his life, and in memory of the night before, when she threw herself upon him in exchange for a bag of "magic beads" and a handful of turkey feathers. (more) User Comments: John Smith is about the most boring all of Disney heroes. I blame this mostly on Mel Gibson's lifeless voice acting, but it's also in his bland appearance. They modeled him straight after a Fabio book cover, which isn't even half as bad as what they did with Pocahontas (have you ever seen an actual photo of the woman? She looked like she applied her daily makeup using a handful of smoldering buckshot.) And then there's the overall sleaziness factor. I don't care how heroic he is. He was a grown man putting the old John Thomas to a girl who in reality was (at the time) barely old enough to wear a training pelt. Personally, I think Pokie's dad should've given John the old "Man Called Horse" treatment, and seen how horny for teenage Native poon he was after hanging by his skin from eight foot wooden spikes for three days. User Rating:
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Cartoon
